#19 Ends & beginnings

I've started & deleted this post about 5 times now. I keep writing words but none of it seems to make sense or it just hurts to much to think about. I've also had to edit the finished product quite heavily because of personal nature, it got a bit too personal & a lot of it is still quite raw

15/11/2012
Started again

It feels so much better being back at home, I think I might have completely lost the plot if we'd have spent any more time in that hospital, It's just got too many bad memories attached to it & it's far from aestetically pleasing to look at
Apparently there was some complications in surgery, I'm glad I didn't know this at the time or the seemingly eternal wait for Libby to come back from theatre would have been a hell of a lot more agonising than it already was. The offending fallopian tube had become bound to part of the bowel, so it had to be separated gently for it was completely removed.
The wait was strange, I had to go to the Accident & Emergency dept to get my elbow checked & ended up in tears in front of the doctor, Luckily she was really understanding & was really comforting, having just started her forth IVF cycle, she knew pretty much what I was feeling (Or so she said, maybe she just said that to help calm me down) I spent some of it once again in the chapel, but left before the chaplain offered his unwanted godly views (No offense to any religious readers out there) The rest of the time I just sat in the window of cubicle staring out over a courtyard, where people go out to smoke, including expectant mothers, & that there is the ultimate kick in the teeth. Why should these people be allowed to have kids when people like us try our hardest & seemingly never get anywhere. More annoyingly, the hospital don't seem to do anything about it, even though they claim to have a no smoking anywhere on hospital grounds policy.

16/11/2012

This is horrible, I didn't think it was possible to feel so sad & drained of life. I keep trying to put a brave face on things, mainly for the sake of the people I deliver to, but then I feel guilty for smiling. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Normally self pitying people wind me up, but here I am contradicting myself.
I'm so glad I have band practice tonight, just for a few hours distraction & take my frustrations out on my drums, Probably not a wise decision with my elbow in the condition it's in, but needs must when the devil drives

18/11/2012

Why do people feel the need, to tell you how you should feel? when they don't really know anything about me, I'm sick & tired of people telling me I need to stay strong & supportive for Libby. I may be a typical bloke to a degree, but I'm not afraid to admit to having emotions & feelings. I can't pretend not to be absolutely devastated by the event of this last week, the last thing I need is being made to feel even worse than I already do, because I can't by the rock I should be for my wife. We're there for each other & that's what counts.


22/11/2012

Today is the first day i've felt anything like human again. I've not cried for a few days, I just wish I could say the same for Libby, she hasn't got the same distractions from reality as me, When I get in from work or band practice, I can see straight away she's struggling & it hurts to see it. I think she'll actually be glad to get back to work.

26/11/2012
One last addition before I finally get round to posting this.
It seems the dust has settled & the normality we've been craving is finally starting to show it's face, I know we still have a long way to go, there's still going to be emotional days, but they seem to be interspersed with good days, We've managed to get out & about to see friends & family for food & drink, & that in itself has been really healing.
As horrible this experience as been, I'm so thankful for the few positives to come out of it.
I've come to realise that the 6 week scan that took our dream away, saved my wife's life, If this had been a regular pregnancy where upon the scan wouldn't have been done until 12 week'. The embryo growing in the tube could have taken her life. She wasn't feeling the pains from ectopic pregnant because she's used to the cramps & sharp pains in her lady bits, because she's had endometriosis for so long, the pain was 'normal' to her. Also, now that the tube has been removed there is no chance of another etcopic pregnancy  because the other tube is blocked & that's one less thing to go wrong.

Libby is back at Rotherham General Hospital for yet another blood test, because the beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels hadn't dropped quite enough, so hopefully the test tomorrow will be good news.

Both of us will hopefully making a trip back to the hospital to make an entry (our second) in the memory book. This is a book where all the would-have-been parents get to leave a little message or poem for their lost little angels. I dreading this to be honest, it was quite painful last time, but i'm so glad to have do it

We're still none the wiser as to what happens next, whether we will start a second live cycle or if the clinic will try to use our frozen embryo's. & we have no idea when we will be able to start again. If anyone can fill in the blanks, it'd be much appreciated

#18 .My heart is broke, But I have some glue

04/11/2012

Whilst going through the various webpages where I normally share this blog, I came across something so hateful & bitter, it angered & upset me a lot. I am usually not all that easily offended, but this really hit me. www.facebook.com/story.php?korawalker>ivf

"I find it highly offensive this shit (IVF) is allowed, and encouraged, to proceed when so many kids already exist who need homes, food, and medical care JUST so some mother fucker who is SO SELFISH he wants,and can PAY for, a worthless, "mini me". HOW SELF ABSORBED could a person be to believe HIS DNA is so stellar and superior the world can't do without his offspring?"

Then goes on to say
"I would never force this world on another human and those smart and selfless enough wouldn't either and adopt if they want parenthood so badly. It does effect my life, you people are ruining this planet and it's heart wrenching. Ivf is expensive and it's just a smack in the face to all the other millions of homeless children.You people are ignorant. Infertility is a blessing. Adopt, you selfish moos"

I don't know if this person is trolling & just out to upset people that are already in a delicate frame of mind. or if he/she actually believes the bile they're spewing. I'd really like to meet this person, just to see what makes them tick &/or give them a slap

08/11/2012

I'm currently sat in Rotherham's accident & emergency dept awaiting an Xray to see if I've dislocated my elbow after a fall at work. I'm so clumsy it's unbelievable!
I'm taking this as a good omen. the last time Libby was expecting, we had to come here because little eggburt had to leave us. So now Libby is pregnant again, It's my turn to be here, So Nemo will do just fine. Good logic eh?

09/11/2012

This day has taken so long to come. We have our six week scan & hopefully i'll get to see someone special

10/11/2012

Yesterday didn't quite go to plan. the scan didn't show anything in the womb, but high levels of the pregnancy hormones in the blood. So it's definitely there somewhere, just no idea where. The clinic thought it wise that
Libby should be admitted to hospital straight away, because of the high possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. They want to keep her under observation because of the complications associated with it. If the foetus is in the fallopian tubes. it will have to be terminated. There is a chance things will be ok, but it is very slim.
I don't know what to feel, it swings between anger & misery constantly, I want to cry, but can't

11/11/2012

I'm so frustrated right now, I don't have a clue what is happening, Libby is an emotional wreck, & all the doctors seem to be doing is assume. Another blood test has shown that he the hormone level has doubled again.
The doctor has suggested that the reason for the no show on the scan could be that it's twins & may have been too small to see on the scan, but it's more than most likely ectopic. so a scan has been book for the morning & hopefully if it is twins they should be more visible because of the hormone level being so high. & if it proves to be ectopic, it's looking like a trip into surgery to remove the foetus & he offending tube. On the plus side, if they remove the tube, it's one less thing to go wrong
I know this is a horrible things to say, but I think a miscarriage would have been easier to deal with, purely because is a definite end instead of being (unavoidably) dragged out

12/11/2012

Today we've had to say goodbye to someone so special, so wanted & so much needed. But they'll never get know any of this. We'll never get to meet our little Nemo, Hopefully one day we'll meet, along with Eggburt & we'll have our day in the sun.
Libby was taken into surgery this morning to remove the foetus. Its hit me so fucking hard i can't even begin to make sense of it all. I even wen't to the hospital chapel,  I have no idea what I was expecting, inner peace the voice of god? all I got was angry & more upset. If there there is a god, I want to know why, why now, why us AGAIN???

I very nearly scrapped this whole blog today, I hoped something like this could never happen, but I suppose it's all part of the journey, no matter how much it hurts, & if it helps someone in the long run, then I suppose Ive achieved something

Please don't be offended by this, but I'm not after sympathy of anything like that, I don't handle messages of sorry & stay strong  or positive or whatever too well, I just need to time to get my head round things & hopefully dust myself off & carry on with life

#17 Needing a hug & a shoulder to cry on

03/11/2012

Since we've had the positive pregnancy test on Monday, I think i've become even more worried, than I have at any point up to this. Every little pain & ache Libby has, I automatically assume the worst is happening. I'm trying to remain as positive as I can about it all, But something keeps eating away at me. I'm absolutely scared to death of history repeating itself.
It's been just over two years since we lost 'Eggburt' (that's the pet name we gave to our unborn child) & it still feels pretty raw to this day. I dread to think what another miscarriage would do to us.Hopefully we'll never get to find out. no one should ever have to endure it. It was hard on me, I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life. The worst thing about it for me was seeing it almost physically & mentally destroy Libby and not be able to do anything about it. I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I rarely remember my dreams, but I'm fairly sure I know what I'm dreaming about, I seem to be grinding my teeth more & more, to the point of agony. This next clinic appointment & scan cannot come quick enough to put our minds at rest.

My Mum passed away 18 years ago. & right now I never missed her more. I really need that one person you can always rely on to say the right thing to put your mind at ease or just to listen to what you have to say & not pass judgement or anything like that. It doesn't help that I don't have a grave or anything to go & visit to vent my spleen. Instead she's still 'sat' in an urn in my dads flat gathering dust. I just wish we could spread them somewhere special, somewhere where we could visit when we need to be close to our mother. but i have a feeling that'll not happen anytime soon
Sorry to go on & on about death & misery, It's just how i'm feeling. Positive by day, bitterly negative by night

#16 The never ending emotional rollercoaster, This time i'm not complaining

28/10/2012

Coming to terms with our first cycle not working was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, the fact that we are still so far from the end of this journey has had quite a comforting effect on us both.

This morning we had to do a pregnancy test as directed by the clinic to confirm or deny what we thought was happening. There is almost an element of relief, knowing that there would then be a 'full stop' on this chapter of the story.
So here we go, One line for negative, two for positive. Well there's definitely one line, & after a minute or two, a second line appears, but only very faint. ...so what does that mean? Is it positive, was it positive before but now isn't?
Great! Now I'm just confused, so just bought another supposedly better rest to do in the morning to clear any confusion. Well it had better be a 'better' test, it cost me bloody £8

29/10/2012

6.30am on a Monday, the first day of my week off from work & I'm wide awake (dressed as spiderman... Don't ask) I didn't really sleep much last night, & what little sleep i did get, i think i spent that grinding my teeth because my mouth & teeth are so sore. it's hardly surprising considering the level of mixed emotion we're both experiencing.
Time to get down to business, & it's quite possibly the most nervous yet excited i've ever been.

....And the result is:
...Time to shit my pant in excitement & fear .

How & why we've actually gotten to this stage is beyond me. Less than a week ago we'd near enough given up & now we're 9 months away from potentially being parents.
Really need to call the clinic & find out what happens now.
The wait for the pregnancy hotline to open is far too long, but not stressful, for once i'm on cloud nine.


We're booked in for a scan on November the 9th, (Just over a weeks time) just to make sure the embryo/embryo's haven't settled in the fallopian tubes, because we're at a high risk of it being ectopic.& that could be disastrous.  We also will be having more regular scans than usual because of the miscarriage for suffered a couple of years ago.
But i'm trying not to think of the possible negative's. This is our time to shine, I can feel it

#15 Emotional rollercoaster? That's an understatement

17/10/2012
Having no actual means to update this blog other than a mobile phone is proving to be a nightmare (Note to self: win lottery & buy a new laptop or if that fails, get the other one repaired)

Things are going well so far, one of the embryo's that wasn't implanted has been frozen for future use. & having recently read a pretty interesting article on the BBC website about frozen Embies, appently te freezing & unfreezing process is good for the health of the baby & mother, so surely this is a good thing, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19468026
I wasn't initially overwhelmed by the fact that only one was frozen, considering that we had so many fertilized eggs, but we've been informed that this is quite normal, as they only usually freeze one or two,

19/10/2012
Well wasn't expecting that, The clinic have just phoned to let us know that they've frozen another two embies  , That 3 in the bank, Hopefully we'll never need them.
All the hallmarks of being pregnant are starting to show, Stomach cramps, sore & swollen boob's & being off certain foods. I know it's still to early to say, but surely that's a good sign. Even the dog is acting very strange. our Labrador Jess has suddenly switched from Daddys little girl to a mummys girl. She's keep cuddling up to libby & sniffing & occasionally licking her belly (that's just gross. I know). it's almost as if she knows that there is something in there. Spooky huh?

21/10.2012
So much for taking it easy & avoiding stress. Being foster parents we have the joys of unpredictable behaviour, the girl that we currently care for has been relatively well behaved & settled for a few months now, but things couldn't have changed at such a worse time. her attitude towards us has suddenly changed like the flip of a switch, Constant picking at us as though she's going out of her way to cause arguments.
To make things worse I've just snapped back at her, making the situation a hell of alot worse! Time for a meeting with social services I think. We need a little help

23/10/2012
I don't know if it's just coincidence, or a direct result of the last few days of stress, but Libby has started bleeding today & it's progressively got heavier & more painful as the day has gone on. It's safe to say all my new found optimism has gone out of the window. I'm so scared that this attempt has come to an end

24/10/2012
I had previously come to the conclusion that it really wasn't an issue if it didn't work, because everything up to now had had such brilliant results including 3 frozen embryos. But the realisation that this might have failed has hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. The clinic have said to stay positive, but that's easier said than done
I just feel numb & a little lost

Please note, I'm not fishing for sympathy here.

#14 So much to write about & no idea where to start

12/10/2012

We're not having a 13th post, because I don't want any bad luck

It's egg collection day & it's fair to say things are a little on the tense side. It really doesn't help when we Libby get's out of the shower & says "give me a shout at 7.10, 'cause we need to be setting off" Which is a fine plan indeed considering 7.10 was two minutes ago & i'm in the middle of making breakfast & still needing a shower myself. I don't think we've had a single appointment without some element of chaos. But in all honesty I believe we thrive on being disorganised, It's much more fun than that way (In this instance fun is pronounced ARGHHHH SHIT! ) Life would be boring if it was organised.
God knows how we managed it but we made it, mainly thanks to Libby's heavy right foot & it's loving relationship with a car's accelerator pedal.

Libby appears to have been making friends in my absence, which is kinda nice because she's not normally the most outgoing of people & on the plus side it makes it all a bit more 'normal'. Then to take the normality away, I found out this lady has spent a scary amount of money on treatment, more than a fifth of what we paid for our house. Just to clarify, I don't have a problem with the amount of money people spend on treatment, If I could afford it, i'd probably do the same, It just makes me wonder where you would draw the line? I just hope we never get to to such a position, because (to quote Mick Hucknall...yeah, sorry about that) "Money's too tight to mention"

Thankfully we're not sat in the waiting room too long otherwise I'd have probably said something stupid or offended somebody.  We both have our own little task to perform, so no time like the present to get on with it. Libby has drugs to take & I have to get intimate with a plastic cup. 
The last time I was in this situation, My (bad) sense of humour was going into overload, making me want to check in on facebook with something crude, But I was strong & resisted the urge, but this time, no chance, the temptation is too strong. As I was shown to my little room I was quite relieved that it was a new a new leather chair in there after last time, but I still kinda found it disturbing knowing that someone else had sat in it doing the bad thing.
 I was impressed that they had a different selection of 'mens interest magazines in the cupboard, but was instantly put of using them when I found a page stuck together, that's just uncalled for, I suppose I had better use my imagination. I read somewhere on an internet forum that there's a clinic in Nottingham that has a flat screen TV showing porn movies, Surely that has to be a better option than feeling like a 14 year old boy catching a quick look at their dad's secret stash of magazines. which i'm sure has probably happened to almost everyone. Aren't all dad's supposed to keep ancient porn mags under the wardrobe? not that I ever looked
By the time I'd got back to the recovery room Libby was already dosed up on Temazepam & half asleep, in the white hospital dressing gown she was told to wear, Which she wasn't happy, because it hadn't been washed with fabric softener & felt like cardboard. Typical Lib, Bless her

Much to my surprise, I was invited into the egg extraction, something like that doesn't happen in regular hospitals & clinics. Much more to my surprise, I did it, which is a really alien thing for me to do, I'm pretty squeamish for a bloke, & the idea of probes & sharp objects been inserted into someones nether-regions is quite repulsive to me. Luckily for the doctor & nurses, I couldn't actually see what was going on, otherwise they might have been attacked by my breakfast. I was quite happy to stand there & hold Libby's hand & talk nonsense to her, with the help of one of the nurses, about Ninja Turtles & cake. As usual I have to find something amusing in a situation like this, & today it came in the shape of a visiting doctor from Doncaster Royal Infirmary, who was there to be nosey at how other Hospitals do things, but I anyway, he looked like John Coffey from the film The Green Mile (the big black man)
The procedure didn't last long at all really, half hour altogether. & out of the ten usable follicles  they managed to extract nine eggs. To say i'm proud of my lady is an understatement!
So, what better way to end to appointment, than a spot of tea, biscuits & daytime TV while the people who know what they're doing get on with their thing. Lets get off to town for some dinner AND an extravagant purchase ... a new kettle (which needs to be returned 'cause it bloody leeks)
The tickets we had for the concert in Leeds didn't go to waste either, Libby didn't feel upto it, but didn't feels bad enough to need me around, I couldn't leave her alone, so I made our foster child babysit her.
For those who we're asking who I went to see, It was Terrorvision, I assume most of you are scratching your head & wondering 'who?' They had tons of top 40 hits in the 90's & i'll bet you know the most popular & frankly horrible song 'Tequila'

13/10/2012
I'm a bit half asleep this morning, had a massive shock to the system having to work my first saturday in months, 5am should not be allowed, especially after rocking out the night before.
but the phone call from the clinic makes it all worth while. First the bad news, two of the nine eggs weren't mature enough, but the good news is The other seven fertilised successfully, which is awesome.
Considering that we are nowhere near the finishing line, this is quite possibly the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. Thanks to my natural negativity, I never dreamed that we would ever achieve anything like this. These eggs are our lucky seven & I have a good feeling ...I might make a good optimist after all.
Now, it's a case of playing the waiting game for a day or two to see if the cells have multiplied enough to re-implant the eggs into the womb, Hopefully it'll be Monday, but more than most likely it'll be Wednesday.
Time to cross all appendages!

16/10/2012

Sorry this part of the post is going to be quite disjointed, my laptop had died, so i'm having to do it on the blogger mobile phone app, & it's harder to edit stuff using a phone keypad

It's fair to say, the last few days has been a bit of a rollercoaster, I'd pretty much given up on a Monday appointment after sat around waiting for the phone to ring. & when it did, it wasn't particularly the call I wanted, It was work asking me if there was any chance I could work. Because we'd still not had a call from the clinic I decided to earn a few extra pennies. Two minutes after I walked into work, Libby phoned to say the clinic had called & the wanted us at the clinic for 14.30. Bloody typical, considering i was due to finish my shift at 14.15. Thankfully my manager has been amazing throughout this process & let me finish at 12. If you're reading this Teresa, I owe you a huge favour.

Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two are classed as grade nine, which is really good, as they prefer to use eggs grade seven & over. two are borderline usable and the rest are still developing  But in the short space of time of the phone call & us arriving at the clinic, the two borderline embryo's have developed quite significantly, so hopefully the rest will be good enough to freeze for potential future use, We should find the results of that on Wednesday.

These are the two embryo's that are to be implanted, (& for all you science buffs, The one on the left has 8 cells & the right has 9) Weird looking things aren't they. It's even weirder to think that this is what human life starts off as. I was amazed when they asked if we wanted a picture of them. We've been  encouraged to talk to them, which is a little bit odd, but worth a shot, so we've named them Nemo & Dory (From Finding Nemo)
The implantation went by like a flash, It was just a case of using a speculum & a catheter into the uterus to implant the embryos. and thats that, no tea & recuperation today,
Now the hard work is done, it's completely in the hands of nature. Libby has to take it easy, no  heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise, & No sex (BOOOOOO!)
The no sex thing is going to kill me, Libby has a tablet she has to put right at the back of her lady bits & she cant do it, because her fingers aren't long enough to get to the back, so I'm stuck with the task twice a day. It's already proven to put a lot of strain on the trouser area. & I can't so a single thing about it. ARGHHHH!

I can see the next two weeks 'til we find out if its worked or not, being the longest two weeks EVER!
Thankfully I have quite a lot of stuff to be doing with my band(s) to keep me occupied including playing live this weekend, but the downside to that is that I won't let Libby come, because she always helps with the transport & moving stuff around, So I banned her from coming to remove the temptation.
She can sit at home & watch all the terrible soaps shes got on recorded on the sky box, even better for me 'cos then I don't have to endure them.

Im not a believer in a higher power, but prayers are more than welcome.

#12 How do you like your eggs in the morning?

08/10/2012
It really is starting to bother me that i'm not going to be there for Libby's scan again. I feel as though i'm missing important things, especially now things are coming to a head in our first cycle. Even if nothing interesting happened, I'd just like to be there to hold my wife's hand.

So it turns out I have kinda missed out. The scan shows that Libby has 15 ovarian follicles (the cells where the eggs develop) 2 ready, 2 almost ready & the rest just need a little bit more time. Something I did find odd is that the drugs have also stimulated the 'useless' ovary, although I have no idea if they're of any use, We shall see.
Because the follicles are almost ready, Libby can reduce the intake of drugs to avoid overstimulation, but i'm guessing that might mean that I have a little bit of my wifey back
Another scan has been booked for Wednesday, which is our 5th wedding anniversary, so I reckon that's a good omen


10.10.2012

Okay, so that's just odd. In my absence for yet another appointment, Libby got talking to another girl in the waiting room. Out of the blue, she asked if I was called Paul. It turns out she had been reading this blog. Heh small world eh?
I was right in thinking that because today is our wedding anniversary that it was a sign of something good! Because it is indeed good. Todays scan shown that there is 10 good sized follicles, which I understand is a pretty normal number to have. So as you can imagine, it's smiles all round.

When I started writing this blog, I thought that it would take for ages to get to the stage we're now at, but it only feels like yesterday that all this started to take over our lives. This Friday, we're both due at the clinic for Libby's egg collection. Now that we can see something resembling a light at the end of the tunnel, things are starting to feel a lot more real ...like really real ...shit yer pants scary real. Being the kind of person I am, my mind has gone into overdrive with thoughts of 'what if'
The procedure, sounds fairly straightforward, but quite painful at the same time, its an a vaginal ultrasound probe  to see the follicles in the ovaries. A fine needle will then be used to collect the eggs from the follicles. The doctor or nurse will push the needle through the top of the vaginal wall and into each ovarian follicle in turn. to flush out the eggs. What scares me about this is that it's done only with local anesthetic & oxygenWhile this is happening I get shown to the little room to make a semen sample ...Again! for those of you who have been reading this blog from the start, you'll know the score here. And for those who haven't have a look here http://paul-semii-holden.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/here-we-go.html
In preparation, Libby has to inject two lots of Ovitrelle tonight, one in each leg. But as a bonus, she doesn't have anymore injecting herself after this (unless we have to go through another cycle) It's not the last of the drugs however. There's some tablets to take & a suppository. She looks so relieved at that, apparently putting drugs up your bum is a welcome break from sticking them in your legs with sharp things.
To put a slight dampener on things, Libby has started bleeding slightly, only spots, but it's enough to raise concerns. But just called the clinics emergency number, & the nurse we spoke to didn't seem to think it was an issue. but you can't help but assume the worse

Something that I did find slightly weird is, we've been asked to bring a CD with us to the appointment. I'm assuming it's for relaxation purposes, But is it played while the procedure or is played via personal headphones. What kind of music get you prepared for having probes & sharp things stuck up where you don't really want them putting? And what if you opt for something with a fast tempo or obscenely noisy, imagine that being played in the middle of a delicate procedure. surely thats going to be a distraction for the Doctor & nurses


Months ago, Libby bought us tickets to see one of my favourite bands in Leeds for our anniversary. But when she bought them, she hadn't taken in to consideration that it might clash with our treatment. Well it has, on a major scale. the show is on Friday night. My wife, being the angel she is, still wants me to go without her, & I still really want to go. But at the sametime, I don't want to leave her after what she will have been through during the day. I'm still going to make plans to go because i'm selfish. If everything is alright & I didn't go, I'd be mortified. but I can always cancel the plans on the chance that things aren't right

As I've mentioned before that one of the staff at the clinic is been very 'off' with us, for what i presumed was because it's a private clinic & were not paying, therefore we're inferior, or something to that effect
Well, she appears to have a change of heart, She's been nothing short of brilliant with us recently, even with us phoning her at 21.40 to ask about the bleeding. Miracles do happen ;)

#11 Selfish thoughts

03/10/2012
I don't want to sound self pitying or anything to that effect, but it's such a frustrating set of circumstances we're in. I know things are progressing & we're getting closer to the end of our first cycle (hopefully the only cycle) but it absolutely destroys me seeing Libby struggling with the injections & the side effects that come with them. She started off so well with it, & Considering she's never given herself an injection before, she was quite confident with it & seemed to take it all in her stride, but lately She seems to be getting herself worked up & nervous, making the whole thing into a drama. No matter how much I try to reassure her, it just seems to fall on deaf ears. Then once the drugs kick in, it seems to just knock her out. I know she feels worse than she's letting on because she's stopped baking & decorating cakes, that is one of the things she loves to do most.
I know where trying to do a good thing, & making a life that is our own is what we want so badly, But sometimes I just seem to want the woman I love back, Then I just feel terrible for having these selfish thoughts

04/10/2012
There's been a few times over the course of this process that I've thought the staff at the clinic seem to be looking down their noses at us, one person in particular that seems to think she's the lord god almighty. Everytime we've spoke to her with any concerns she's come across that she doesn't really want to be talking to us.
Today Libby has completely run out of one of the drugs she needs When she phoned up to speak to the nurse, who intern had to speak to the person I'm refering to & Lib' could tell by the tone of her voice in the background how she feels about us. I can't help but feeling it's because we're having funding for the treatment, this woman believes we shouldn't be in her clinic,  we aren't able to pay for this therefore we are inferior. These kind of people make my blood boil!!! Hopefully, I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but I doubt it

05/10/2012
Once again Libby has an appointment at the clinic that i'm not there for. Yet another internal scan.
Thankfully the results are quite positive. The drugs seem to be doing there job.
Libby has 15 follicles in her good ovary, but they're not quite ready for the next drug (Another dose of Ovitrelle) So another scan is booked for Monday (Which, again i can't be there for) We're getting closer to finding out when egg collection will be. Exciting times

#10 Drugs, Drugs & More Drugs

01/10/2012
I haven’t posted anything in what seems like an eternity, but not a lot has been happening, just some (Prescription) drug taking, blood tests & transvaginal scans. Mostly stuff that I haven’t been present for. So this post is basically just a short and sweet update.

As I’ve mention in the previous post that Libby had developed (yet another) ovarian cyst, possibly a side effect of the Suprecur injections. It was suggested that she should inject Ovitrelle to either shrink or break up the cyst. Well it seems to have worked the cyst is still there but it's shrunk enough to no longer be of any concern. & as an added bonus, her oestrogen levels have dropped enough to move onto the next step, even more subcutaneous injections! Next up Menopur to stimulate the growth & development of follicles within the ovary.

This is fun stuff because you get to play chemist. There’s one vial of solution & 4 containing a tablet which is dissolved in the solution. It’s all fun & games…honest 

The side effects of the menopur haven’t been anything too dissimilar to the other injections, Tiredness, nausea, dizziness, a whole lot of water retention, but now with added short term dead leg, like proper dead. I’ve deliberately avoided reading up on the side effects, because I’ve previously got freaked out over nothing, as it’s been nowhere near as bad as I was expecting

The highlight of the scan on Friday (which, annoyingly I couldn’t be there for AGAIN) Other than the shrinking cyst, was that Libby has a odd shaped uterus, now what constitutes as ‘odd shaped’? a rhombus or even a dodecahedron perhaps? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
From what I can gather, it can’t be too much of an issue, other wise the would have said… right?

But what I don’t get is, Libby has had soooooo many scans (Internal & external) & clinical procedures. So why has this never been mentioned before? Unless it can change at random intervals. I just don’t have a clue, But I’m gonna avoid researching it, or will I? 

#9 Stress

16/09/2012

It's really easy to see why fertility issues causes the meltdown of some relationships, even well before they've got to IVF stage. I've seen it happen quite a few times, & the sad thing is, one of the couple's I'm refering to both now have kids with different partners. When I heard that they had split up, I was quite critical (as usual) sayin that the had no commitment to each other or that they didn't love each other. when in fact it's the stress of it that ripped them apart
I consider my marriage to be as strong as as it can be, especially in the last year or two, things have been better that I could have ever imagined. Not that things were bad before, it's just that occasionally we were prone to taking each other for granted, & I'm not always the easiest of people to live with. But recently there has what seems to be a slight wedge between us, not in any serious kind of way, mainly because Libby is struggling with the side effects of the medication & stresses that come with it, coupled with my general inability to do anything about it. Admittedly I can make cups of tea & constantly say "don't worry, it'll be all right" & to a degree that's OK, but to me OK isn't enough. I want to be able to say it's going to be fine & be 100% sure that what i'm saying is what I mean. & that in turn stresses me out & adds to that wedge between us.

18/09/2012

I don't have much luck when it comes to public transport, Well it strikes again. Thanks to both bus & train, I made it into Sheffield twenty minutes late, giving me 10 minutes to get from one side of the city to the other. Thankfully Libby had borrowed the company car from work & was able to pick me up from the station, It just meant I had to get in it without her pulling up in a no stopping zone. I should work for Mi5 with the daredevil stunt I pulled off. Jumping in a moving car? ...EASY! (admittedly it was moving quite slow, thanks to the traffic lights) We made it to the clinic with only seconds to spare.
Annoyingly it proved to be a pointless journey. Well it always was going to be for me, because I'm surplus to requirements at the moment anyway, but I'm determined to be there as often as humanly possible. The scan that should have been taking place, now wasn't taking place, because a blood test will surfice, Ive travelled over an hour by bus, train & car, to witness something I hate & wasted a holiday day at work...AWESOME!
Taking blood from Libby is like taking blood from a stone, Both are heartless & cold! (Did i say that out aloud?) some nurses can do it with the greatest of ease, but most struggle. it's been known for blood to be extracted from her feet because her veins in her arms & hands are so hard to draw from, Today's nurse is of the struggling king & inflicted quite a bit of pain to take some red stuff. So anyway you'll find me in the waiting room, it's like watching a horror film

19/09/2012

Today is blood test results day AND... It's not good. It turns out the suprecur injections haven't been doing the job of dampening down Libby's hormones, Instead her oestrogen levels are higher than normal. So now she's got to go back tomorrow for the scan she should have had yesterday. Apparently this is quite common, but surely if it's common we should have been told about it before now. I would have preferred to have had this information instead of the biology lessons that were inflicted on us.

20/09/2012

So Libby has had to go the her scan on her own, because I couldn't get the day off work at such short notice
delays, which makes me quite irritable, Because I wanted to be there for my Wife, like a husband should.
It turns out Libby has another ovarian cyst, which is probably causing the hormone level to still be quite high.
Libby has a thing about ovarian cysts, most meds she takes seems to trigger them. So it almost seems quite normal to us. but annoyingly it might drag our treatment out a bit longer

21/09/2012

Libby's had a call from the clinic today regarding the results of the scan. She's been advised to skip the next set of drugs (Menopur) & go straight to the last one (Ovitrelle) because it should shrink  the cyst, & then she can carry on as normal maybe only delaying things by about two weeks ... Fingers crossed

The Ovitrelle needle is quite odd looking, it looks a little like one of those pens with interchangable inks, it's quite a large syringe, but with a smallish needle & a button instead of a plunger.

Like an idiot, I've read up on the side effects again & got myself worked up. So hopefully it's 'worse case scenario' stuff like it was with the Suprecur

<sometime later>
So far we've had nausia, dizziness, aches & pains, tears, hugs, tea & sympathy & for now I now have a comatose wife. She's watching Hollyoaks on TV, but with her eyes closed, (which I find the best way to watch soap opera's & without sound too) but she's not asleep... Honest
I've also plucked up the courage to voice my concerns about the aforementioned 'wedge' between us, but also reassured ourselves that we'll get through it because we know it's there, We know why it's there & we know it'll go away once things calm down
& if it gets too much, we can stop the treatment, because our relationship will always come first. As much as this is important to us, it isn't the be all & end all

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#8 Hopes & Fears

11/09/2012
I want to thank everyone for their kind words of support, it's been a really big help. Even though I haven't done this for sympathy or praise, it's still nice to receive it. I originally did it as a bit of Therapy for myself, getting some things of my chest & maybe help other people who going through similar things, Especially the blokes out there who don't like asking for help or talking about subjects like this, because it is hard

I'm praying that if all this works, that we have a boy, because there's far to many females in this house already & I never get to watch what I want on tv because there's ALWAYS bloody soap opera's on, Even the dogs are higher in the pecking order than me. I'd be safer getting in the chinchilla's cage.
In all honesty, I really don't care if it's a boy or a girl, & wouldn't want to know before it's birth, I wan't to experience all the fun & surprises along the way, I want to be like a little kid at Christmas, But i'm getting ahead of myself, I don't want to get my hopes to high, purely because there's still so much that can go wrong,
We already have a high risk of an ectopic pregnancy, which is far too scary for me to even contemplate. plus there's the other risks that go with having children after the age of 30, like higher risk of Downs syndrome & other disabilities & scariest of all miscarriage, I really think that would be like a hammer blow to us if that happened again.

13/09/2012
Y'know when I started writing this blog, I said 'some of it will make you think I'm a dickhead' Well this is going to be one of those posts, Because the stage we are now at with our treatment, (I keep saying OUR treatment, when in fact I don't have a great deal to do, besides getting acquainted with little plastic pots) things are quite slow moving & not a great deal to write about, so i'm going to air some thoughts & views that will probably put people off me &/or this blog ...Sorry!

It has occurred to me many times that if we hadn't waited til now to start trying for a family things might have been very different & perhaps less complicated, but i'm kinda glad we did. purely for the reason that the current 'younger' generation scares the crap out of me. For example If I look out of my front windows right now (Or at almost any time of the day, except in winter) I see families sat outside their houses smoking & drinking (including a pregnant teenager), shouting & swearing at each other in front of young children, shouting & swearing AT young children. Litter & beer cans all over the place. Kids running all over the road & it's quite a busy road too, It's a miracle no one has been hurt. Children aren't taught respect any more either, We had an incident a week or so ago, where one of the kids from the house opposite threw a piece of wood at our car as we parked up on the street. Libby confronted the mother about it, & all she said was "he's a right little c*nt" with no apology what so ever, then she she threatened to beat the kid when she got hold of him. What has that taught the kid or any other kid that saw it? I dread to think
I know this isn't just happening on my street or even just in Maltby, its almost every village, town & city throughout the country.
So hopefully, by waiting to have kids, they might miss this generation altogether & things might improve, I doubt it, At least it can't get much worse. ...I hope
One though does enter my mind quite a lot is that there should be some form of licence to have kids, like you would for a car, you learn how to be a parent before you can become one. We had to be checked that we didn't have a criminal record & we could provide a safe environment for a baby (See previous blog) before we could start our IVF, so why isn't such a thing applied to people having kids naturally? Although that would be impossible to enforce & probably against a whole load of human rights

14/09/2012
Today I saw quite possibly the most horrifying thing ever. A woman at a cash machine with a little girl & a dog. Not that scary eh? Anyway the dog bolted off across the road, The woman chased after the dog leaving the little girl stood on her own on a relatively busy high street, not many people around but plenty of cars. I told Libby to pull over so I could go after the dog So the woman could stay with the kid, but she carried on running after dog, leaving a child aged 5 or 6 crying her eyes out. I know we do silly things when we panic, but to leave a child on their own to go after a dog is disgraceful. Anything could have happened to her. she could have run out into the road & got hit by a car, kidnapped or anything sinister like that, How did the woman know I wasn't going to do something horrible? luckily I managed to calm the girl down & take her to her mum or whoever she was. Typically, I didn't even get a thank you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY??? I despair, I really do.

15/09/2012
I was recently having a conversation in a group on Facebook about my fears of being a parent. The lady I was speaking to, said her "eldest of three is now 20 years old & it's still quite scary & doesn't really get much easier. Shame there's no instruction book" So I started looking around the internet for 'Good Parenting guides' & was amazed at some of the things that were suggested, things that are common sense. But if it is that easy, why do so many people seem to find it hard work?
I'm not the brightest of people, not by a long shot, but I do pride myself on my common sense approach to life, so hopefully I'll be able to rise to the challenge, & I'm sure it will be challenging. But If we can care for our foster daughter, a hormonal teenage girl (with added baggage) we can just about care for anything.
But maybe there should be a lot more additional help out there for for people that want & need it. Well that's if it's not there already.

#7. Drugs & sex, but no Rock & roll!

07/09/2012

We've a special delivery .... A large consignment of drugs & syringes! And the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
We have:
Suprecur - A hormone suppressant, Injected daily for 3 weeks
Menopur - To stimulate egg production, injected daily, alongside the Suprecur, on the 3rd week.
Apparently this drug causes what can be described as a 'mini menopause' (now that's a scary term)
Ovitrelle  - To stimulate egg maturity, A one off injection when advised by clinic depending on the results of a scan & blood test, which will take place on the 18th of this month. If this injection is done wrong, the whole process will have been in vein, because it will not work (Hmmmm no pressure there then) Thankfully more needle training will be given at the next appointment. I don't have to go to this, but I want to, I'm determined to be a part of the whole process. AND as added bonus, it means getting another day off work, plus more stuff for me to write about.

I had no idea what to expect from the forthcoming transformation of my wife into a pin cushion.
It was explained in great detail  by our nurse, but it didn't register, Another case of being blinded by science. So I've done some research online. Normally I wouldn't take notice of 'net doctors' purely because a lot of info found on the net is badly researched & inaccurate. There's also a lot of scare stories out there.
A lot of what I've read does sound vaguely familiar, so there must be some truths in it. There is a scarily long list of potential side effects which I really wish I hadn't read. But Hey! I have now & I suppose it adds to the material I can write about. I'm kinda hoping the more worrying side effects are a worse case scenario because the thought of my wife getting a blood disorder or a decrease in bone density amongst many others is absolutely frightening. But then again if this stuff was 'bad' surely it wouldn't be prescribed to anyone, or at least there would be more warnings Arghhhhhh! now my brain is doing overtime, maybe research wasnt such a good idea after all!
I hope i'm not putting anyone off IVF here, that's the last thing I want to do. Surely any potential pains & anguish caused have got to be worth it, even if it doesn't work out. Yes I'm aware that last sentence might not make a great deal of sense. so here's my thought 'It's better to try & fail, than to not try & never know what could have been'
The scary thing about me having that thought is that there is a hope for me as a positive person <shock>

09/09/2012

Soooo now we're on day 3 of the Suprecur, And no sign of any scary side effects, So far we've had a bit of minor bruising & swelling   & quite a bit of nausea & dizziness. But worst of all .... (wait for it) .... brittle nails, For someone who takes great pride in their fingernails & ever changing colour, this is a fate worse than death
I also read that a dry vagina is also a common side effect, but apparently it's quite the opposit. the downside of this is that I cannot take advantage of this because we've been told by our nurse to avoid getting Libby's heart rate above 140bpm ...DAMN!!!!
When Libby was on the clomid, & we had to have sex regularly, it became a massive chore, now it's the other away around & we have to avoid it, i can guarantee I/we will want it 24/7. BAH! just my luck

10/09/2012
Just been reading through the notes we have from the clinic & the afore mentioned heart rate thing is for when the embryo(s) are implanted into the body... So that means... I can Hop on the good foot & do the bad thing (to quote Austin powers) You know what'll happen now, neither of us will be bothered or too tired. Talk about swings & roundabouts, But never say never heheh

#6 Up's & (Mostly) Downs & up's again

03/09/2012
Sorry if I start (& end) with a bit of a rant today, things have been testing my patience & mostly winning.

Why is it, that when you have an appointment, the whole world decides to conspire against you?
Work, Public transport, & people in general just seem intent on not allowing me to get to Sheffield on time &   making sure I don't particularly enjoy the commute either.
What bugged me most is that i'm travelling to a clinic because of our fetility issues & i'm surrounded by people with kids, not just any people though, These are the kinda people who look like they can't look after themselves, never mind the children they have reared. Not that that I begrudge them the right to procreate, it just seems that their only purpose is to rub salt into my wounds.
To add insult to injury I seem to be surrounded by another pet hates. Lots of young girls in denim hotpants & a full face of make up. This look is fine for older teenagers & adults, but not 8 year olds for gods sake.  I hate the over-sexualisation of kids, it scares me to death, & it's certainly not a good look is it?. It actually puts me off wanting kids if they are going to be nothing more than a sex object, & what's even more worrying is... who is it for?
I just hope I can be a good dad & allow my kid(s) to have a proper childhood, like the ones we had as kids instead of being fast tracked to adolescence
(End of rant)

The appointment was relatively straight forward, just recapping on the previous meeting. plus some needle training. Which I can't bare to watch, I don't know what it is that freaks me out about them, I know that (most of the time) they don't really hurt all that much, it's just the though of anything penetrating the skin turns my stomach. Paul, do you wan't to have a go? Haha...er no, I'll pass thanks. Thank god that Libby's sister is a nurse, That'll come in handy so I don't have to assist in anything injection related should the need arise.
We spent the rest of the appointment chatting with our nurse about, what happens if this cycle is unsuccessful.
Because we are being funded by the NHS (tax funded health care - for non English readers) we are entitled to 2 fresh cycles &  1 or 2 attempts using frozen embryo's. So hopefully we stand quite a good chance of success. I just hope that we are successful first time, because the three month wait between attempts will seem like an eternity
We also got talking about us being foster carers, & the girl we care for. the nurse was quite inquisitive on the subject, asking about her mental well being & the health issues, which we were quite happy to discuss. (I can't actually go into specifics with you, because of confidentiality)
I didn't see the nurse's line in questioning actually had a point to it. As it turns out, they had serious concerns as to our as-yet unborn child's safety around a foster child that has a history of health & psychological issues  (the key word here is 'HISTORY' ....as in something that has past). This really didn't seem a problem until we got home & we received a call from the clinic saying that they couldn't allow the treatment to continue until they had written reassurances from social services that a child would be safe in our care with a potential threat from someone / something else under the same roof.
And now we have a welcome return the pessimist that likes to live in my pocket (I carry him around with me for when a stressful situation arises ...and out it comes)
It's times like this I wish I believed in a god, so I could ask him why he's such a vindictive bastard towards me & Libby. Nothing is straight forward, but i suppose if it was, life would be boring (But I'm starting to think that boring would be nice, if only once in a while)
Because of the arrival of Mr Pessimist, my already deep seated doubts in Social services & their ability to know the difference between their arse's & their elbows was suddenly intensified tenfold.
With the treatment now postponed, I had actually given up hope (on everything) I didn't know when the treatment would be able continue, if at all. It seemed like we we're being penalised for being good honest people. I didn't know if social services would hold up their side of the arrangement. Libby was in pieces, I was unbelievably angry (I broke a fan & kicked a wooden cake stand...which hurt) I needed to get away & the poor dog took all the flack, I picked up her lead & we walked for miles to the village where I used to live, probably about a 9 mile round trip. which I'm so glad I did, the fresh air & alone time was the perfect tonic. I got a lot of thinking done, & the main conclusion i drew was. I need to grow the fuck up, go home & apologise for being a dick & face this head on.

I was totally gobsmacked the next day to find social services had actually done a good job for once  & sorted the whole mess out by informing the clinic that we we're the right people to be caring for a foster child such as the one we have & that she is absolutely no threat to anyone & such a situation arise, we would know how to deal with it & we have social & support workers to aid us as a back up plan. Admittedly we did have to make a lot of noise & make threats to quit fostering if it meant we wouldn't be able to go through our treatment. Fostering is important to us but hopefully having a child that would be our flesh & blood is THE single most important thing in our lives
I was still expecting at least a months delay before treatment could start again, but thankfully we can continue on Friday as originally planned ...BRING ON THE INJECTIONS (evil grin)

#5 A kind of prelude

22/08/12
(If bit's don't make sense in this post, It's because i've had to edit it quite a bit. I got carried away with some personal bits, & it became quite painful for me, so i thought it best to take bits out. Hope you understand)

It's weird to think that only a few years ago, I wasn't particularly bothered about being a dad, I'd always thought 'If i had kids then that's cool, it/they would be loved, But if not, so what'
That all changed in the space of one of the best & also one of the worst weeks of my life back in October 2010.
Libby was due for surgery to get to the bottom of a long running gynaecological issue, but on the morning of the op, the pre-op test shown she was pregnant so the procedure couldn't go ahead, When I got the phone call I was reduced to tears in the middle of our dining room floor which is not a pretty sight I can assure you. I don't think I've ever been as happy in my life as I was at that moment
Sadly this happiness was short lived, a week later I got a call to say Libby was bleeding heavily & was on her was to hospital. part of me didn't want to acknowledge what was really happening. I had a rare streak of optimism & I was determined not to let go of it. It was insanely frustrating waiting around the hospital, I had to wait in the waiting room, without any information. The A&E at Rotherham General is normally quite a colourful place, full of drunks & people who look like the should be on the Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer  show, Thankfully it was relatively quite, which is good 'cause I might have killed someone.
After what seemed like an eternity, I was allowed to go through & see Libby, It's air to say she wasn't in a good way. Floods of tear & white as a ghost. & worst of all none the wiser as to what was happening.
Later that evening after being transferred onto the gynea ward of the hospital, the news was broken that Libby was miscarrying. we we're losing our little Eggburt (That was the name we'd given him/her because it was just a yolk sack when we found out about it)
It was incredibly hard for both of us (I assume it's the same for everyone) We'd only had a week to get used to what would been the start of a new future, a future that we really liked the look of. & in a heartbeat it had gone & replaced with a lot of hurt & anguish & millions of unanswered questions. If it hadn't been for the nurses on ward B11, it would have been a lot worse, & they will always be in our hearts

The main advice we got afterwards was that if we wanted a family, we had to get 'back in the saddle' But, after a year of trying, it wasn't happening. We eventually got to the bottom of why, when Libby went back to the hospital to have the op she should have had before this whole saga started.
The op & various internal scans discovered that one ovary was damaged & the other was 'a bit crap', because of how it was damaged, the doctor said it was similar to someone that had had untreated chlamydia,  but both of us have never had any form of S.T.I. so it's kinda unexplained as to why it's like that
They also found Libby had Endometriosis, which they remove whist she was under the anaesthetic

It was a positive sign that one ovary was working even though it wasn't working  as well as it should, but this could be remedied with medication called Clomid
This route was proving to be successful initially, but because it made Libby so ill, it made it vertually impossible to hop on the good foot & do the bad thing. (Which we had to do every other day, it's amazing how hard it is to have sex when it's required on demand, I'd have thought it was ever mans dream to have regular sex, it actuall became a choir) The following months proved to be fruitless, no matter how hard we tried.
After 5 months of the meds another side effect reared it's head, in the shape of a cyst, which made things even harder. Meaning we had to take a break before went for the final month, which again proved fruitless
After another appointment with our consultant, We found out that IVF was the only way forward ...& here we are!

#4. ...& the results are in

17.08.2012

We're off to a flying start!!!
So our appointment is at 4pm & guess what? Local girl done good Jessica Ennis is having a welcome home party in the middle of Sheffield to celebrate her recent gold in the Olympics ...which starts at 4pm. best add an hour to the journey time to be on the safe side. To add extra annoyance some twat in a 4x4 decided to not pay attention to our brake lights & hit the back of our car. Thankfully no-one was hurt & it didn't hold us up too long.

I've actually tried not to think about this, this week. I hate waiting for results, probably because there's still a little bit of the pessimist within.
I knew that the semen sample I gave was going to be OK, purely because the last one I had to do shown no problems, But it was the blood sample that had me worried. I was confident enough that I hadn't got AIDS of Hepatitis, but what if it show I had something else? I blame my Dad for that, he always refused blood tests just in case they found something wrong with him (Kinda funny really that when he finally did have a blood test, they did find something wrong with him. well I found it funny)
Anyway, all tests we're clean. So let's have some more. YAY! height, weight & blood pressure this time, Considering the traffic collision earlier , my blood pressure was fine, just a shame the same couldn't be said for Libby's.

It's nice to speak to someone that doesn't want to prod & poke me or take bodily fluids away from me. they're just going to blind us with science instead, Our nurse Paula, started to explain what happens now & pretty much most of it kinda went in one ear & straight back out of the other side (with the exception of the word 'Blastocyst' ...I like that word, dunno why though)
most of it was like being back in school studying biology, with diagrams of female reproductive organs (Y'know the bit that looks like something from Ghostbusters)
I don't really want to go into specifics of the procedures just yet, because I'll have no material to write about in future blog posts, maybe I'll go into more detail when I've fully got my head around it all.
Also had a slight reminder that I've got the easier end of the deal, because most of sounds quite painful & intrusive BUT I do have to give another semen sample, don't worry I'll not repeat the previous spunk related fun & games. One things for sure I WILL NOT BE PARTING WITH THE RED STUFF THIS TIME!!!

It's typical that all the questions I would have liked to ask, didn't enter my head until we were on the way home, I must make notes to take with me next time
The next two weeks will seem like an agonising wait before we start the treatment for real, so i make that two weeks of my brain doing overtime trying to make sense of the whole damn thing or at least come up with some more nonsense thoughts

#3. Comfort

08/08.12
As things are edging closer, I'm taking great comfort in knowing that I have the support of a lot of people.
I've always had a problem with people wishing me luck with anything, probably because I'm not used to it. It doesn't help, me being the negative person that I am. Now, for probably the 1st time ever, I'm embracing the positivity of other people & I'm certainly going to try hard not to let go of it.
It's also nice to know that since I've been speaking openly about what I/we are going through, that other people i know have either been there & succeeded, Going through it, ot just about to start. Especially when it comes from unexpected places, I got an amazing text from a work mate today, saying (In his usual crude nature)
 "good luck for tomorrow muck chucker, I'll be thinking of you, I just hope you won't be thinking of me"
I'm never going to be able to perform my duties, thinking of a hairy short arse. But I know he means well, because he's been through it & he knows the score

#2. Here we go...

09/08/2012

I'm resisting the urge to check in on Facebook with 'Wanking into a cup at Care Sheffield'

You can tell it's not a 'normal' hospital. We're sat in the waiting room, no signs of a vending machine, just a pot of fresh coffee, which is a nice touch. But what really made me realise this place isn't normal is the fact that all (Yes ALL) the staff are smiling, happy & polite. It's like being in a parallel universe, not Sheffield.
Another thing that amazed me was that there was a sign saying they will try to see people no later than 10 minutes after they're appointment time. How good is that? your lucky if its an hour & 10 minutes late at Rotherham Hospital

So... A rather nice lady asks me to follow her up stairs (ooooh nurse!) She shows me into a little room, explains the situation. In this room there is a sink to wash your bits n' pieces & cupboard full of porn & a leather armchair, Then i get the ultimate question.... How do you feel? Well if I'm brutally honest, I'm a little freaked out! It really was quite surreal, I'm stood in a room, with a complete stranger, just before I'm about to perform an act on myself. that would probably get me arrested if I was anywhere else. She leaves me my little sample pot & closes the door behind her.
Normally, being a bloke, I wouldn't have an issue getting aroused, but not today, maybe it's the thought of having to do it on demand, i sat in the chair, & then that freaked me out further, knowing that someone else had 'knocked one out' in it. I briefly flicked though the magazines & still nothing. So anyway I'll leave the main part out, just to save yours & my sanity.
After going back down to Libby, she's already had her stuff done & was just waiting for a blood test before we could go & have our day in the sunshine, Then i get shouted through the door, 'do you want your blood testing while your here' No, why would i want such a thing? They bloody kept that quiet didn't they!
If they need to know if i have HIV or Hepatitis, all they had to do was ask, not take more bodily fluids. I think i'd have been happier if she had just punched me in the face to draw blood.
But you know what? it wasn't all that bad, I've been quite good at avoiding giving blood all my life, & now at 33, ive done it & it's easy

Now, all i have to do is wait a week for some results & another round of surreality

#1. The beginning of the process, minus most of the begining

I'm not entirely sure if doing this blog is one of my better idea's or not. When I started writing it a week or so ago, I never had the intention to publish it, It was just my way of counselling myself, & i've really enjoyed writing about what im thinking, it's been good therapy
Some of it is crude, some of it is silly, most of it will probably make people think i'm a dick, I find these are the things that make me, well 'Me'. so what have i got to lose
What i hope to achieve is the whole IVF process, from a man's point of view

31/07/12

Maybe if I’d thought of doing this sooner, I would have to actually think about what to put to fill in the blanks. But I reckon I can do that as I go along.

See, being a drummer where well known for been ‘not very bright’ & the less said about postmen the better. Maybe that’s why I haven’t managed to procreate, Nature just simply won’t allow it. Drummers & postmen are at the bottom of the gene pool, so the spawn of something that low, would be similar to the product of interbreeding?

It’s definitely a good think Libby isn’t a drummer, imagine a child born from two drummers, that’s too scary to even contemplate.

So, yeah, I’m not entirely sure that I ‘get’ the process of IVF, but seeing as we start the process in little over a weeks time, I thought I’d try & document it.
So far all I know I’m not allowed to do the rude thing for 4 days prior to the 1^st appointment & I have to take a sperm sample to the hospital with me. I should be used to this process, as I’ve been there before & got the t-shirt
The sperm must be a product of masturbation & delivered to the hospital within half an hour (Please don’t think about me tugging one off, & now I’ve put that, you have a mental image of something you don’t want to see. Well stop it)
anyway the last time I chickened out of taking the sample in, so I made Libby do it. I know the staff of the hospital see this kind of thing daily, but I’ve never had to do it, so it’s majorly embarrassing, walking through a hospital with a small pot of warm ‘baby gravy’ is just way too odd for me. But fine for Lib to do (YES I AM A TYPICAL BLOKE)
So… to save myself from embarrassment this time, I’m going to put the small pot in a big bucket. You see, being a typical bloke, I’ve probably bragged about being able to fill a bucket or something to that effect. Maybe I believed I was part elephant.

01/08/12

Got our 1^st appointment booked in for next Thursday. Thankfully, I don’t have to take a sample with me. I have to do it while I’m there!
I received a leaflet with the following guidance… I have to abstain from sexual contact for 4 days in preparation, I have a cubical to myself (good job really, it could be a little awkward otherwise) Magazines are provided if required. (I’m hoping & preying the previous user hasn’t stuck the pages together *shudder*
Here's a thought though, they should laminate it, wipe clean porn is definitely the way forward, I should patent that idea.)
If after an hour, I haven’t produced a sample, I should go for a brief stroll & talk to a member of staff.

So, I have to consult a member of staff? The only thought that entered my head at that point is, y’know that movie Road Trip? There's the scene where they donate sperm for cash, & E.L (Seann William Scott) asks for assistance & ends up getting a rectally induced ejaculation.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rtUvlR1pZE)  Surely that won’t happen in Sheffield …right?
In all honesty I think i've gotten off lightly, Libby has to have blood tests & have an internal scan of her lady bits

06/08/12

It’s getting closer, 4 days until our first appointment. Four days of abstinence! … here we go, shouldn’t he hard (blatant innuendo)
We’ve already been given an a date for our second appointment to discuss the results from our 1^st session, & this has set me off on a bit of a ponder.
Despite trying my damn best to stay positive & mostly succeeding (you have no idea how hard that is for me) What would happen if there was any kind of problem. What if Libby’s eggs we’re unusable for what ever reason, would that mean using an egg donor? Then there’s something I’d struggle to get my head around, cos that’d mean it’s be my sperm used to create something that’s part of someone else, someone I’ve never met & probably never will. Would I be able to accept a child that isn’t 100%  ‘ours’? for almost the same reason why adoption isn’t an option for me, or at least it isn’t right now
In the past when I’ve thought about adoption, I always come back to the conclusion that I’d not be able to love a child that wasn’t mine as much as I would if it were my own flesh & blood. In effect an adopted child is kinda like a pet to me (for want of a better turn of phrase) …anyway I digress. I’d much rather have something that’s ours as opposed to something that’s mine.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t entertain the thought of using an egg donor, it’s just a lot for me to think about.

Another thought that’s crossed my mind recently is: If both my sperm & libby’s eggs are fine, but both funded attempts to create life fail, we’d then have to look at funding it ourselves (which isn’t cheep) How do you put a price tag on human life?
Could you look at your child & think that cost me £7000 (don’t ask Angelina Jolie, we already know the answer)
To be honest, I think I’d happily pay the money, because you’re gonna get a day when your son/daughter looks up at you & smiles & that moment has got to be worth millions, if not priceless
Would I get a receipt? Can I take it back for refund or exchange? (as if i would)