#5 A kind of prelude

22/08/12
(If bit's don't make sense in this post, It's because i've had to edit it quite a bit. I got carried away with some personal bits, & it became quite painful for me, so i thought it best to take bits out. Hope you understand)

It's weird to think that only a few years ago, I wasn't particularly bothered about being a dad, I'd always thought 'If i had kids then that's cool, it/they would be loved, But if not, so what'
That all changed in the space of one of the best & also one of the worst weeks of my life back in October 2010.
Libby was due for surgery to get to the bottom of a long running gynaecological issue, but on the morning of the op, the pre-op test shown she was pregnant so the procedure couldn't go ahead, When I got the phone call I was reduced to tears in the middle of our dining room floor which is not a pretty sight I can assure you. I don't think I've ever been as happy in my life as I was at that moment
Sadly this happiness was short lived, a week later I got a call to say Libby was bleeding heavily & was on her was to hospital. part of me didn't want to acknowledge what was really happening. I had a rare streak of optimism & I was determined not to let go of it. It was insanely frustrating waiting around the hospital, I had to wait in the waiting room, without any information. The A&E at Rotherham General is normally quite a colourful place, full of drunks & people who look like the should be on the Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer  show, Thankfully it was relatively quite, which is good 'cause I might have killed someone.
After what seemed like an eternity, I was allowed to go through & see Libby, It's air to say she wasn't in a good way. Floods of tear & white as a ghost. & worst of all none the wiser as to what was happening.
Later that evening after being transferred onto the gynea ward of the hospital, the news was broken that Libby was miscarrying. we we're losing our little Eggburt (That was the name we'd given him/her because it was just a yolk sack when we found out about it)
It was incredibly hard for both of us (I assume it's the same for everyone) We'd only had a week to get used to what would been the start of a new future, a future that we really liked the look of. & in a heartbeat it had gone & replaced with a lot of hurt & anguish & millions of unanswered questions. If it hadn't been for the nurses on ward B11, it would have been a lot worse, & they will always be in our hearts

The main advice we got afterwards was that if we wanted a family, we had to get 'back in the saddle' But, after a year of trying, it wasn't happening. We eventually got to the bottom of why, when Libby went back to the hospital to have the op she should have had before this whole saga started.
The op & various internal scans discovered that one ovary was damaged & the other was 'a bit crap', because of how it was damaged, the doctor said it was similar to someone that had had untreated chlamydia,  but both of us have never had any form of S.T.I. so it's kinda unexplained as to why it's like that
They also found Libby had Endometriosis, which they remove whist she was under the anaesthetic

It was a positive sign that one ovary was working even though it wasn't working  as well as it should, but this could be remedied with medication called Clomid
This route was proving to be successful initially, but because it made Libby so ill, it made it vertually impossible to hop on the good foot & do the bad thing. (Which we had to do every other day, it's amazing how hard it is to have sex when it's required on demand, I'd have thought it was ever mans dream to have regular sex, it actuall became a choir) The following months proved to be fruitless, no matter how hard we tried.
After 5 months of the meds another side effect reared it's head, in the shape of a cyst, which made things even harder. Meaning we had to take a break before went for the final month, which again proved fruitless
After another appointment with our consultant, We found out that IVF was the only way forward ...& here we are!

#4. ...& the results are in

17.08.2012

We're off to a flying start!!!
So our appointment is at 4pm & guess what? Local girl done good Jessica Ennis is having a welcome home party in the middle of Sheffield to celebrate her recent gold in the Olympics ...which starts at 4pm. best add an hour to the journey time to be on the safe side. To add extra annoyance some twat in a 4x4 decided to not pay attention to our brake lights & hit the back of our car. Thankfully no-one was hurt & it didn't hold us up too long.

I've actually tried not to think about this, this week. I hate waiting for results, probably because there's still a little bit of the pessimist within.
I knew that the semen sample I gave was going to be OK, purely because the last one I had to do shown no problems, But it was the blood sample that had me worried. I was confident enough that I hadn't got AIDS of Hepatitis, but what if it show I had something else? I blame my Dad for that, he always refused blood tests just in case they found something wrong with him (Kinda funny really that when he finally did have a blood test, they did find something wrong with him. well I found it funny)
Anyway, all tests we're clean. So let's have some more. YAY! height, weight & blood pressure this time, Considering the traffic collision earlier , my blood pressure was fine, just a shame the same couldn't be said for Libby's.

It's nice to speak to someone that doesn't want to prod & poke me or take bodily fluids away from me. they're just going to blind us with science instead, Our nurse Paula, started to explain what happens now & pretty much most of it kinda went in one ear & straight back out of the other side (with the exception of the word 'Blastocyst' ...I like that word, dunno why though)
most of it was like being back in school studying biology, with diagrams of female reproductive organs (Y'know the bit that looks like something from Ghostbusters)
I don't really want to go into specifics of the procedures just yet, because I'll have no material to write about in future blog posts, maybe I'll go into more detail when I've fully got my head around it all.
Also had a slight reminder that I've got the easier end of the deal, because most of sounds quite painful & intrusive BUT I do have to give another semen sample, don't worry I'll not repeat the previous spunk related fun & games. One things for sure I WILL NOT BE PARTING WITH THE RED STUFF THIS TIME!!!

It's typical that all the questions I would have liked to ask, didn't enter my head until we were on the way home, I must make notes to take with me next time
The next two weeks will seem like an agonising wait before we start the treatment for real, so i make that two weeks of my brain doing overtime trying to make sense of the whole damn thing or at least come up with some more nonsense thoughts

#3. Comfort

08/08.12
As things are edging closer, I'm taking great comfort in knowing that I have the support of a lot of people.
I've always had a problem with people wishing me luck with anything, probably because I'm not used to it. It doesn't help, me being the negative person that I am. Now, for probably the 1st time ever, I'm embracing the positivity of other people & I'm certainly going to try hard not to let go of it.
It's also nice to know that since I've been speaking openly about what I/we are going through, that other people i know have either been there & succeeded, Going through it, ot just about to start. Especially when it comes from unexpected places, I got an amazing text from a work mate today, saying (In his usual crude nature)
 "good luck for tomorrow muck chucker, I'll be thinking of you, I just hope you won't be thinking of me"
I'm never going to be able to perform my duties, thinking of a hairy short arse. But I know he means well, because he's been through it & he knows the score

#2. Here we go...

09/08/2012

I'm resisting the urge to check in on Facebook with 'Wanking into a cup at Care Sheffield'

You can tell it's not a 'normal' hospital. We're sat in the waiting room, no signs of a vending machine, just a pot of fresh coffee, which is a nice touch. But what really made me realise this place isn't normal is the fact that all (Yes ALL) the staff are smiling, happy & polite. It's like being in a parallel universe, not Sheffield.
Another thing that amazed me was that there was a sign saying they will try to see people no later than 10 minutes after they're appointment time. How good is that? your lucky if its an hour & 10 minutes late at Rotherham Hospital

So... A rather nice lady asks me to follow her up stairs (ooooh nurse!) She shows me into a little room, explains the situation. In this room there is a sink to wash your bits n' pieces & cupboard full of porn & a leather armchair, Then i get the ultimate question.... How do you feel? Well if I'm brutally honest, I'm a little freaked out! It really was quite surreal, I'm stood in a room, with a complete stranger, just before I'm about to perform an act on myself. that would probably get me arrested if I was anywhere else. She leaves me my little sample pot & closes the door behind her.
Normally, being a bloke, I wouldn't have an issue getting aroused, but not today, maybe it's the thought of having to do it on demand, i sat in the chair, & then that freaked me out further, knowing that someone else had 'knocked one out' in it. I briefly flicked though the magazines & still nothing. So anyway I'll leave the main part out, just to save yours & my sanity.
After going back down to Libby, she's already had her stuff done & was just waiting for a blood test before we could go & have our day in the sunshine, Then i get shouted through the door, 'do you want your blood testing while your here' No, why would i want such a thing? They bloody kept that quiet didn't they!
If they need to know if i have HIV or Hepatitis, all they had to do was ask, not take more bodily fluids. I think i'd have been happier if she had just punched me in the face to draw blood.
But you know what? it wasn't all that bad, I've been quite good at avoiding giving blood all my life, & now at 33, ive done it & it's easy

Now, all i have to do is wait a week for some results & another round of surreality

#1. The beginning of the process, minus most of the begining

I'm not entirely sure if doing this blog is one of my better idea's or not. When I started writing it a week or so ago, I never had the intention to publish it, It was just my way of counselling myself, & i've really enjoyed writing about what im thinking, it's been good therapy
Some of it is crude, some of it is silly, most of it will probably make people think i'm a dick, I find these are the things that make me, well 'Me'. so what have i got to lose
What i hope to achieve is the whole IVF process, from a man's point of view

31/07/12

Maybe if I’d thought of doing this sooner, I would have to actually think about what to put to fill in the blanks. But I reckon I can do that as I go along.

See, being a drummer where well known for been ‘not very bright’ & the less said about postmen the better. Maybe that’s why I haven’t managed to procreate, Nature just simply won’t allow it. Drummers & postmen are at the bottom of the gene pool, so the spawn of something that low, would be similar to the product of interbreeding?

It’s definitely a good think Libby isn’t a drummer, imagine a child born from two drummers, that’s too scary to even contemplate.

So, yeah, I’m not entirely sure that I ‘get’ the process of IVF, but seeing as we start the process in little over a weeks time, I thought I’d try & document it.
So far all I know I’m not allowed to do the rude thing for 4 days prior to the 1^st appointment & I have to take a sperm sample to the hospital with me. I should be used to this process, as I’ve been there before & got the t-shirt
The sperm must be a product of masturbation & delivered to the hospital within half an hour (Please don’t think about me tugging one off, & now I’ve put that, you have a mental image of something you don’t want to see. Well stop it)
anyway the last time I chickened out of taking the sample in, so I made Libby do it. I know the staff of the hospital see this kind of thing daily, but I’ve never had to do it, so it’s majorly embarrassing, walking through a hospital with a small pot of warm ‘baby gravy’ is just way too odd for me. But fine for Lib to do (YES I AM A TYPICAL BLOKE)
So… to save myself from embarrassment this time, I’m going to put the small pot in a big bucket. You see, being a typical bloke, I’ve probably bragged about being able to fill a bucket or something to that effect. Maybe I believed I was part elephant.

01/08/12

Got our 1^st appointment booked in for next Thursday. Thankfully, I don’t have to take a sample with me. I have to do it while I’m there!
I received a leaflet with the following guidance… I have to abstain from sexual contact for 4 days in preparation, I have a cubical to myself (good job really, it could be a little awkward otherwise) Magazines are provided if required. (I’m hoping & preying the previous user hasn’t stuck the pages together *shudder*
Here's a thought though, they should laminate it, wipe clean porn is definitely the way forward, I should patent that idea.)
If after an hour, I haven’t produced a sample, I should go for a brief stroll & talk to a member of staff.

So, I have to consult a member of staff? The only thought that entered my head at that point is, y’know that movie Road Trip? There's the scene where they donate sperm for cash, & E.L (Seann William Scott) asks for assistance & ends up getting a rectally induced ejaculation.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rtUvlR1pZE)  Surely that won’t happen in Sheffield …right?
In all honesty I think i've gotten off lightly, Libby has to have blood tests & have an internal scan of her lady bits

06/08/12

It’s getting closer, 4 days until our first appointment. Four days of abstinence! … here we go, shouldn’t he hard (blatant innuendo)
We’ve already been given an a date for our second appointment to discuss the results from our 1^st session, & this has set me off on a bit of a ponder.
Despite trying my damn best to stay positive & mostly succeeding (you have no idea how hard that is for me) What would happen if there was any kind of problem. What if Libby’s eggs we’re unusable for what ever reason, would that mean using an egg donor? Then there’s something I’d struggle to get my head around, cos that’d mean it’s be my sperm used to create something that’s part of someone else, someone I’ve never met & probably never will. Would I be able to accept a child that isn’t 100%  ‘ours’? for almost the same reason why adoption isn’t an option for me, or at least it isn’t right now
In the past when I’ve thought about adoption, I always come back to the conclusion that I’d not be able to love a child that wasn’t mine as much as I would if it were my own flesh & blood. In effect an adopted child is kinda like a pet to me (for want of a better turn of phrase) …anyway I digress. I’d much rather have something that’s ours as opposed to something that’s mine.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t entertain the thought of using an egg donor, it’s just a lot for me to think about.

Another thought that’s crossed my mind recently is: If both my sperm & libby’s eggs are fine, but both funded attempts to create life fail, we’d then have to look at funding it ourselves (which isn’t cheep) How do you put a price tag on human life?
Could you look at your child & think that cost me £7000 (don’t ask Angelina Jolie, we already know the answer)
To be honest, I think I’d happily pay the money, because you’re gonna get a day when your son/daughter looks up at you & smiles & that moment has got to be worth millions, if not priceless
Would I get a receipt? Can I take it back for refund or exchange? (as if i would)