#16 The never ending emotional rollercoaster, This time i'm not complaining

28/10/2012

Coming to terms with our first cycle not working was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, the fact that we are still so far from the end of this journey has had quite a comforting effect on us both.

This morning we had to do a pregnancy test as directed by the clinic to confirm or deny what we thought was happening. There is almost an element of relief, knowing that there would then be a 'full stop' on this chapter of the story.
So here we go, One line for negative, two for positive. Well there's definitely one line, & after a minute or two, a second line appears, but only very faint. ...so what does that mean? Is it positive, was it positive before but now isn't?
Great! Now I'm just confused, so just bought another supposedly better rest to do in the morning to clear any confusion. Well it had better be a 'better' test, it cost me bloody £8

29/10/2012

6.30am on a Monday, the first day of my week off from work & I'm wide awake (dressed as spiderman... Don't ask) I didn't really sleep much last night, & what little sleep i did get, i think i spent that grinding my teeth because my mouth & teeth are so sore. it's hardly surprising considering the level of mixed emotion we're both experiencing.
Time to get down to business, & it's quite possibly the most nervous yet excited i've ever been.

....And the result is:
...Time to shit my pant in excitement & fear .

How & why we've actually gotten to this stage is beyond me. Less than a week ago we'd near enough given up & now we're 9 months away from potentially being parents.
Really need to call the clinic & find out what happens now.
The wait for the pregnancy hotline to open is far too long, but not stressful, for once i'm on cloud nine.


We're booked in for a scan on November the 9th, (Just over a weeks time) just to make sure the embryo/embryo's haven't settled in the fallopian tubes, because we're at a high risk of it being ectopic.& that could be disastrous.  We also will be having more regular scans than usual because of the miscarriage for suffered a couple of years ago.
But i'm trying not to think of the possible negative's. This is our time to shine, I can feel it

#15 Emotional rollercoaster? That's an understatement

17/10/2012
Having no actual means to update this blog other than a mobile phone is proving to be a nightmare (Note to self: win lottery & buy a new laptop or if that fails, get the other one repaired)

Things are going well so far, one of the embryo's that wasn't implanted has been frozen for future use. & having recently read a pretty interesting article on the BBC website about frozen Embies, appently te freezing & unfreezing process is good for the health of the baby & mother, so surely this is a good thing, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19468026
I wasn't initially overwhelmed by the fact that only one was frozen, considering that we had so many fertilized eggs, but we've been informed that this is quite normal, as they only usually freeze one or two,

19/10/2012
Well wasn't expecting that, The clinic have just phoned to let us know that they've frozen another two embies  , That 3 in the bank, Hopefully we'll never need them.
All the hallmarks of being pregnant are starting to show, Stomach cramps, sore & swollen boob's & being off certain foods. I know it's still to early to say, but surely that's a good sign. Even the dog is acting very strange. our Labrador Jess has suddenly switched from Daddys little girl to a mummys girl. She's keep cuddling up to libby & sniffing & occasionally licking her belly (that's just gross. I know). it's almost as if she knows that there is something in there. Spooky huh?

21/10.2012
So much for taking it easy & avoiding stress. Being foster parents we have the joys of unpredictable behaviour, the girl that we currently care for has been relatively well behaved & settled for a few months now, but things couldn't have changed at such a worse time. her attitude towards us has suddenly changed like the flip of a switch, Constant picking at us as though she's going out of her way to cause arguments.
To make things worse I've just snapped back at her, making the situation a hell of alot worse! Time for a meeting with social services I think. We need a little help

23/10/2012
I don't know if it's just coincidence, or a direct result of the last few days of stress, but Libby has started bleeding today & it's progressively got heavier & more painful as the day has gone on. It's safe to say all my new found optimism has gone out of the window. I'm so scared that this attempt has come to an end

24/10/2012
I had previously come to the conclusion that it really wasn't an issue if it didn't work, because everything up to now had had such brilliant results including 3 frozen embryos. But the realisation that this might have failed has hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. The clinic have said to stay positive, but that's easier said than done
I just feel numb & a little lost

Please note, I'm not fishing for sympathy here.

#14 So much to write about & no idea where to start

12/10/2012

We're not having a 13th post, because I don't want any bad luck

It's egg collection day & it's fair to say things are a little on the tense side. It really doesn't help when we Libby get's out of the shower & says "give me a shout at 7.10, 'cause we need to be setting off" Which is a fine plan indeed considering 7.10 was two minutes ago & i'm in the middle of making breakfast & still needing a shower myself. I don't think we've had a single appointment without some element of chaos. But in all honesty I believe we thrive on being disorganised, It's much more fun than that way (In this instance fun is pronounced ARGHHHH SHIT! ) Life would be boring if it was organised.
God knows how we managed it but we made it, mainly thanks to Libby's heavy right foot & it's loving relationship with a car's accelerator pedal.

Libby appears to have been making friends in my absence, which is kinda nice because she's not normally the most outgoing of people & on the plus side it makes it all a bit more 'normal'. Then to take the normality away, I found out this lady has spent a scary amount of money on treatment, more than a fifth of what we paid for our house. Just to clarify, I don't have a problem with the amount of money people spend on treatment, If I could afford it, i'd probably do the same, It just makes me wonder where you would draw the line? I just hope we never get to to such a position, because (to quote Mick Hucknall...yeah, sorry about that) "Money's too tight to mention"

Thankfully we're not sat in the waiting room too long otherwise I'd have probably said something stupid or offended somebody.  We both have our own little task to perform, so no time like the present to get on with it. Libby has drugs to take & I have to get intimate with a plastic cup. 
The last time I was in this situation, My (bad) sense of humour was going into overload, making me want to check in on facebook with something crude, But I was strong & resisted the urge, but this time, no chance, the temptation is too strong. As I was shown to my little room I was quite relieved that it was a new a new leather chair in there after last time, but I still kinda found it disturbing knowing that someone else had sat in it doing the bad thing.
 I was impressed that they had a different selection of 'mens interest magazines in the cupboard, but was instantly put of using them when I found a page stuck together, that's just uncalled for, I suppose I had better use my imagination. I read somewhere on an internet forum that there's a clinic in Nottingham that has a flat screen TV showing porn movies, Surely that has to be a better option than feeling like a 14 year old boy catching a quick look at their dad's secret stash of magazines. which i'm sure has probably happened to almost everyone. Aren't all dad's supposed to keep ancient porn mags under the wardrobe? not that I ever looked
By the time I'd got back to the recovery room Libby was already dosed up on Temazepam & half asleep, in the white hospital dressing gown she was told to wear, Which she wasn't happy, because it hadn't been washed with fabric softener & felt like cardboard. Typical Lib, Bless her

Much to my surprise, I was invited into the egg extraction, something like that doesn't happen in regular hospitals & clinics. Much more to my surprise, I did it, which is a really alien thing for me to do, I'm pretty squeamish for a bloke, & the idea of probes & sharp objects been inserted into someones nether-regions is quite repulsive to me. Luckily for the doctor & nurses, I couldn't actually see what was going on, otherwise they might have been attacked by my breakfast. I was quite happy to stand there & hold Libby's hand & talk nonsense to her, with the help of one of the nurses, about Ninja Turtles & cake. As usual I have to find something amusing in a situation like this, & today it came in the shape of a visiting doctor from Doncaster Royal Infirmary, who was there to be nosey at how other Hospitals do things, but I anyway, he looked like John Coffey from the film The Green Mile (the big black man)
The procedure didn't last long at all really, half hour altogether. & out of the ten usable follicles  they managed to extract nine eggs. To say i'm proud of my lady is an understatement!
So, what better way to end to appointment, than a spot of tea, biscuits & daytime TV while the people who know what they're doing get on with their thing. Lets get off to town for some dinner AND an extravagant purchase ... a new kettle (which needs to be returned 'cause it bloody leeks)
The tickets we had for the concert in Leeds didn't go to waste either, Libby didn't feel upto it, but didn't feels bad enough to need me around, I couldn't leave her alone, so I made our foster child babysit her.
For those who we're asking who I went to see, It was Terrorvision, I assume most of you are scratching your head & wondering 'who?' They had tons of top 40 hits in the 90's & i'll bet you know the most popular & frankly horrible song 'Tequila'

13/10/2012
I'm a bit half asleep this morning, had a massive shock to the system having to work my first saturday in months, 5am should not be allowed, especially after rocking out the night before.
but the phone call from the clinic makes it all worth while. First the bad news, two of the nine eggs weren't mature enough, but the good news is The other seven fertilised successfully, which is awesome.
Considering that we are nowhere near the finishing line, this is quite possibly the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. Thanks to my natural negativity, I never dreamed that we would ever achieve anything like this. These eggs are our lucky seven & I have a good feeling ...I might make a good optimist after all.
Now, it's a case of playing the waiting game for a day or two to see if the cells have multiplied enough to re-implant the eggs into the womb, Hopefully it'll be Monday, but more than most likely it'll be Wednesday.
Time to cross all appendages!

16/10/2012

Sorry this part of the post is going to be quite disjointed, my laptop had died, so i'm having to do it on the blogger mobile phone app, & it's harder to edit stuff using a phone keypad

It's fair to say, the last few days has been a bit of a rollercoaster, I'd pretty much given up on a Monday appointment after sat around waiting for the phone to ring. & when it did, it wasn't particularly the call I wanted, It was work asking me if there was any chance I could work. Because we'd still not had a call from the clinic I decided to earn a few extra pennies. Two minutes after I walked into work, Libby phoned to say the clinic had called & the wanted us at the clinic for 14.30. Bloody typical, considering i was due to finish my shift at 14.15. Thankfully my manager has been amazing throughout this process & let me finish at 12. If you're reading this Teresa, I owe you a huge favour.

Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two are classed as grade nine, which is really good, as they prefer to use eggs grade seven & over. two are borderline usable and the rest are still developing  But in the short space of time of the phone call & us arriving at the clinic, the two borderline embryo's have developed quite significantly, so hopefully the rest will be good enough to freeze for potential future use, We should find the results of that on Wednesday.

These are the two embryo's that are to be implanted, (& for all you science buffs, The one on the left has 8 cells & the right has 9) Weird looking things aren't they. It's even weirder to think that this is what human life starts off as. I was amazed when they asked if we wanted a picture of them. We've been  encouraged to talk to them, which is a little bit odd, but worth a shot, so we've named them Nemo & Dory (From Finding Nemo)
The implantation went by like a flash, It was just a case of using a speculum & a catheter into the uterus to implant the embryos. and thats that, no tea & recuperation today,
Now the hard work is done, it's completely in the hands of nature. Libby has to take it easy, no  heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise, & No sex (BOOOOOO!)
The no sex thing is going to kill me, Libby has a tablet she has to put right at the back of her lady bits & she cant do it, because her fingers aren't long enough to get to the back, so I'm stuck with the task twice a day. It's already proven to put a lot of strain on the trouser area. & I can't so a single thing about it. ARGHHHH!

I can see the next two weeks 'til we find out if its worked or not, being the longest two weeks EVER!
Thankfully I have quite a lot of stuff to be doing with my band(s) to keep me occupied including playing live this weekend, but the downside to that is that I won't let Libby come, because she always helps with the transport & moving stuff around, So I banned her from coming to remove the temptation.
She can sit at home & watch all the terrible soaps shes got on recorded on the sky box, even better for me 'cos then I don't have to endure them.

Im not a believer in a higher power, but prayers are more than welcome.

#12 How do you like your eggs in the morning?

08/10/2012
It really is starting to bother me that i'm not going to be there for Libby's scan again. I feel as though i'm missing important things, especially now things are coming to a head in our first cycle. Even if nothing interesting happened, I'd just like to be there to hold my wife's hand.

So it turns out I have kinda missed out. The scan shows that Libby has 15 ovarian follicles (the cells where the eggs develop) 2 ready, 2 almost ready & the rest just need a little bit more time. Something I did find odd is that the drugs have also stimulated the 'useless' ovary, although I have no idea if they're of any use, We shall see.
Because the follicles are almost ready, Libby can reduce the intake of drugs to avoid overstimulation, but i'm guessing that might mean that I have a little bit of my wifey back
Another scan has been booked for Wednesday, which is our 5th wedding anniversary, so I reckon that's a good omen


10.10.2012

Okay, so that's just odd. In my absence for yet another appointment, Libby got talking to another girl in the waiting room. Out of the blue, she asked if I was called Paul. It turns out she had been reading this blog. Heh small world eh?
I was right in thinking that because today is our wedding anniversary that it was a sign of something good! Because it is indeed good. Todays scan shown that there is 10 good sized follicles, which I understand is a pretty normal number to have. So as you can imagine, it's smiles all round.

When I started writing this blog, I thought that it would take for ages to get to the stage we're now at, but it only feels like yesterday that all this started to take over our lives. This Friday, we're both due at the clinic for Libby's egg collection. Now that we can see something resembling a light at the end of the tunnel, things are starting to feel a lot more real ...like really real ...shit yer pants scary real. Being the kind of person I am, my mind has gone into overdrive with thoughts of 'what if'
The procedure, sounds fairly straightforward, but quite painful at the same time, its an a vaginal ultrasound probe  to see the follicles in the ovaries. A fine needle will then be used to collect the eggs from the follicles. The doctor or nurse will push the needle through the top of the vaginal wall and into each ovarian follicle in turn. to flush out the eggs. What scares me about this is that it's done only with local anesthetic & oxygenWhile this is happening I get shown to the little room to make a semen sample ...Again! for those of you who have been reading this blog from the start, you'll know the score here. And for those who haven't have a look here http://paul-semii-holden.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/here-we-go.html
In preparation, Libby has to inject two lots of Ovitrelle tonight, one in each leg. But as a bonus, she doesn't have anymore injecting herself after this (unless we have to go through another cycle) It's not the last of the drugs however. There's some tablets to take & a suppository. She looks so relieved at that, apparently putting drugs up your bum is a welcome break from sticking them in your legs with sharp things.
To put a slight dampener on things, Libby has started bleeding slightly, only spots, but it's enough to raise concerns. But just called the clinics emergency number, & the nurse we spoke to didn't seem to think it was an issue. but you can't help but assume the worse

Something that I did find slightly weird is, we've been asked to bring a CD with us to the appointment. I'm assuming it's for relaxation purposes, But is it played while the procedure or is played via personal headphones. What kind of music get you prepared for having probes & sharp things stuck up where you don't really want them putting? And what if you opt for something with a fast tempo or obscenely noisy, imagine that being played in the middle of a delicate procedure. surely thats going to be a distraction for the Doctor & nurses


Months ago, Libby bought us tickets to see one of my favourite bands in Leeds for our anniversary. But when she bought them, she hadn't taken in to consideration that it might clash with our treatment. Well it has, on a major scale. the show is on Friday night. My wife, being the angel she is, still wants me to go without her, & I still really want to go. But at the sametime, I don't want to leave her after what she will have been through during the day. I'm still going to make plans to go because i'm selfish. If everything is alright & I didn't go, I'd be mortified. but I can always cancel the plans on the chance that things aren't right

As I've mentioned before that one of the staff at the clinic is been very 'off' with us, for what i presumed was because it's a private clinic & were not paying, therefore we're inferior, or something to that effect
Well, she appears to have a change of heart, She's been nothing short of brilliant with us recently, even with us phoning her at 21.40 to ask about the bleeding. Miracles do happen ;)

#11 Selfish thoughts

03/10/2012
I don't want to sound self pitying or anything to that effect, but it's such a frustrating set of circumstances we're in. I know things are progressing & we're getting closer to the end of our first cycle (hopefully the only cycle) but it absolutely destroys me seeing Libby struggling with the injections & the side effects that come with them. She started off so well with it, & Considering she's never given herself an injection before, she was quite confident with it & seemed to take it all in her stride, but lately She seems to be getting herself worked up & nervous, making the whole thing into a drama. No matter how much I try to reassure her, it just seems to fall on deaf ears. Then once the drugs kick in, it seems to just knock her out. I know she feels worse than she's letting on because she's stopped baking & decorating cakes, that is one of the things she loves to do most.
I know where trying to do a good thing, & making a life that is our own is what we want so badly, But sometimes I just seem to want the woman I love back, Then I just feel terrible for having these selfish thoughts

04/10/2012
There's been a few times over the course of this process that I've thought the staff at the clinic seem to be looking down their noses at us, one person in particular that seems to think she's the lord god almighty. Everytime we've spoke to her with any concerns she's come across that she doesn't really want to be talking to us.
Today Libby has completely run out of one of the drugs she needs When she phoned up to speak to the nurse, who intern had to speak to the person I'm refering to & Lib' could tell by the tone of her voice in the background how she feels about us. I can't help but feeling it's because we're having funding for the treatment, this woman believes we shouldn't be in her clinic,  we aren't able to pay for this therefore we are inferior. These kind of people make my blood boil!!! Hopefully, I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but I doubt it

05/10/2012
Once again Libby has an appointment at the clinic that i'm not there for. Yet another internal scan.
Thankfully the results are quite positive. The drugs seem to be doing there job.
Libby has 15 follicles in her good ovary, but they're not quite ready for the next drug (Another dose of Ovitrelle) So another scan is booked for Monday (Which, again i can't be there for) We're getting closer to finding out when egg collection will be. Exciting times

#10 Drugs, Drugs & More Drugs

01/10/2012
I haven’t posted anything in what seems like an eternity, but not a lot has been happening, just some (Prescription) drug taking, blood tests & transvaginal scans. Mostly stuff that I haven’t been present for. So this post is basically just a short and sweet update.

As I’ve mention in the previous post that Libby had developed (yet another) ovarian cyst, possibly a side effect of the Suprecur injections. It was suggested that she should inject Ovitrelle to either shrink or break up the cyst. Well it seems to have worked the cyst is still there but it's shrunk enough to no longer be of any concern. & as an added bonus, her oestrogen levels have dropped enough to move onto the next step, even more subcutaneous injections! Next up Menopur to stimulate the growth & development of follicles within the ovary.

This is fun stuff because you get to play chemist. There’s one vial of solution & 4 containing a tablet which is dissolved in the solution. It’s all fun & games…honest 

The side effects of the menopur haven’t been anything too dissimilar to the other injections, Tiredness, nausea, dizziness, a whole lot of water retention, but now with added short term dead leg, like proper dead. I’ve deliberately avoided reading up on the side effects, because I’ve previously got freaked out over nothing, as it’s been nowhere near as bad as I was expecting

The highlight of the scan on Friday (which, annoyingly I couldn’t be there for AGAIN) Other than the shrinking cyst, was that Libby has a odd shaped uterus, now what constitutes as ‘odd shaped’? a rhombus or even a dodecahedron perhaps? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
From what I can gather, it can’t be too much of an issue, other wise the would have said… right?

But what I don’t get is, Libby has had soooooo many scans (Internal & external) & clinical procedures. So why has this never been mentioned before? Unless it can change at random intervals. I just don’t have a clue, But I’m gonna avoid researching it, or will I?