#33 Getting closer, closer than we think?

18th December 2013

Morning all, how you doing?

Its been a busy couple of weeks, finishing off decorating, playing my final gig of the year with my band 10Flaws Down (You should check us out, we're pretty good...shameless plug) Hospital appointments, christmas stuff & A quiet weekend away in York before the chaos of the festive season coupled with imminent childbirth take over everything

So yeah, We had our final sizing scan on Monday the nurse that did the scan was ace, so friendly & helpful, She managed to show us our baby's face & it's chubby little cheeks. But it wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture of its face, but got a good profile shot

Although our due date hasn't changed, because it's too late to do that. Wiggle is measuring in around 40week & because the growth has been constantly above average, It confirms our suspicion that weve had all along that Wiggle was a frosty (Frozen embryo) ... you know, the one that we got a negative test result result from (for those who don't know what happened #27 Another Chapter Closes / #29 An Unexpected twist) I'm now sooo glad we didn't take a re-test, because, not knowing made life a lot more simple & when dealing with infertility, simplicity is no bad thing.
I know it doesn't particularly mean anything whether its a natural conception or not, it really does not make the slightest difference, it won't be loved any more or any less. it's more about knowing that it's due to come earlier than we had been originally been led to believe, well that's if it doesn't come late
The unofficial due date is now December 27th, not the 25th as I originally assumed, because the frozen embryo was 2 days old when it was implanted
We're just playing the waiting game now, everything is ready, including us & thats the scary bit, well actually not, we still need to decide on names

From L to R
 11week, 13week, 20week, 32week & 36week
or by our dates
13week, 15week, 22week, 34week & 38week

#32 Christmas is coming & the goose is getting fat & so is the wife! (I'm sure I'll get a slap for this title)

14th November 2013. 

I've meaning to start this blog post for a few days now, but I'm far too lazy, well that's not strictly true. I've actually been kinda busy decorating the entire world, or do it seems. Next stop: the the former junk room, soon to be nursery. 

The reason for the mad decorating spree... As of Saturday just gone, we are on the final countdown (cue cheesy 80's rock anthem) yeah that's right, we hit the milestone of 9 week remaining. 

To celebrate that milestone I've started freaking out & grinding my teeth again, why? I don't really know. I mean, I know my life is about to change on a major scale, but I thought I was genuinely ready to embrace it, pick up the ball & run with it, but my old friend self doubt seems to be back in town, I hate that bastard! 

Libby had an appointment last week with her gynae consultant last week to conclude the journey on infertility road, but they haven't signed us off because they're still unsure whether this is an IVF baby of  not, due to the fact that the date of embryo transfer & the midwife's estimated date of natural conception are so close to each other. It's been suggested to us that we have a sizing scan at 32 week (this coming Monday) & again at 36 week. Even though it doesn't matter either way, we're going to go ahead with the scans just so we get to see our Wiggle again. 

Most people only get 2 scans at 12 & 20 weeks, so we're kinda lucky that these will be our 4th & 5th

22nd November

The scan was pretty straight forward, thankfully there was nothing on show that might spoil the gender surprise. Well actually there was absolutely nothing on show, Wiggle wasn't playing nice, & decided after a hard day if kicking the crap out of Libby, it was time for a hard earned rest & got curled up in a ball. Which made the sonographer'a job a tad impossible. He could only take rough estimates as to size & weight, but based on previous information from the midwife, he was fairly sure it's slightly bigger than average & possible weighs about 5lb already. So it's either going to be an enormous baby, or as we've suspected all along, that this is the frozen embryo we had implanted in back in March. 

Hopefully the next scan will be able to confirm things

At least I'm prepared if it comes early, the  Nursery is nearly finished, then I can start decorating the stairs... Never ending decorating YAY!!!

#31 A whole load of mini updates... & the worst title for a blog post

9th July 2013

Hi, my name is Paul, I used to be a negative norman. It has now been over a month since I was a insufferably miserable dick. I'm kinda getting addicted to this being happy malarky, Don't get me wrong, there's still an angry beaver within, but anger is healthy sometimes... Apparently

I'm finding this blog quite hard at the minute, because very little is happening right now, i'm finding it hard to be inspired. I've taken to making notes when inspiration hits me. The only problem is, they are all one word notes & I haven't got a clue what half of them refer to!

Today Lib had an appointment to see the Consultant that did our fertility investigations, & she got to hear our baby's heartbeat & I missed it.
When we last saw the midwife at the hospital, we asked her what was the reason behind the appointment we had with the consultant, She said it was just so he could sign us off, So I probably didn't need to be there.
But if had known that he was going to check the heartbeat, I'd have dropped everything to be there.
So yeah, annoyed much!
Anyway He didn't sign us off. He can't be sure that this is an IVF baby or not, so he wants to see us again in November

Preston ... This note means nothing to me & also confused me greatly


24th July 2013

I've just heard the single most amazing thing in my life (so far)
The heartbeat of my unborn child & I nearly cried, & i'm not ashamed to admit it either


25th August 2013 

Yesterday was the first time in seven days that i've seen my wife & our amazing bump, She's been on holiday with her family & I couldn't get time from work to go, this sucks balls on a major scale. Even though its only been a week, the bump seems to have grown so much, & I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that my child is in there somewhere

Amidst various stories of holiday fun & adventure that I missed out on, one thing that arisen upset me quite a bit. The girl we foster has been telling everyone that she's not looking forward to the baby coming into our lives. I kinda get why, because she's been passed around from family member to family member, told that she can't live with her Mum & her Dad can't have her living with him, so maybe she thinks that now we have a child of our own, she'll have to move on again. This couldn't actually be further from the truth.
From the day we started our IVF, we've always told her that no matter what happens, she'll always be able to call our house, her home, we've always tried to involve her in all the decisions & above all be honest with her. Just upsets me that she couldn't be honest with us, & let us find out how she feels from someone else.


27th August 2013

I had a feeling today was going to be a good day, It's my day off work, it's the day of my 3rd driving test (Yes I failed 2 already) & the date of our 20 week scan, well it turns out I only have two of these right, The scan is tomorrow & I should be at work. on the plus side, I passed my driving test! The roads of South Yorkshire are no longer safe


28th August 2013

Sometimes I actually amaze myself, normally when we have a hospital/clinic appointment, I can guarantee something will stop me from getting there with time to spare, I expected today to be pretty much the same as any other, We had to be at the hospital for our scan at 13.45, the problem is, I wouldn't normally finish until 14.15 on a Wednesday, Today I appear to have been possessed by a Red Bull fuelled cheetah! SPEEDY MAIL>>>> GO! 
Predictably because I've managed to get to the hospital early, I'm now sat in the waiting room at least 20 minutes past the actual appointment time... Hmmmph!


The scan was brilliant, the sonographer was so attentive, he showed us our Wiggle & went into loads of detail, explaining all the different bits & pieces, well all of the bits & pieces that aren't, er... y'know 'bit's & pieces' He even managed to show us a face :) Shame we couldn't have got a shot of that.
Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that the new scan shows that we aren't actually expecting a dinosaur. The only thing we now know for certain is that it has the exactly the same head of hair as me

23rd September 2013

It's been a hard slog to try & keep on top of this blog lately, I'm not sure if I've lost interest or not, I just find it a struggle to motivate myself, It was so much easier when I was lost in the midst of a journey that I didn't really understand & trying to make sense of it. But now I don't need the have an outlet for my rants, bitterness & confusion, its a lot more challenging
As I've recently mentioned in a previous post, I've been making lots of  notes as an aid to memory, but because I've been very unmotivated, A lot of them have just built up, and it's taken quite a while to get on top of them, so a lot of the posts are written in hindsight & are a bit sketchy on the details, mainly because I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast this morning, never mind what I thought or did on the 9th of July. But I soldiered on


It's odd what goes through my head sometimes, But I've been feeling quite reflective lately, (light just bounces off me.. I love crap humour) It's occurred to me that I'm the last of a generation of Holden's
My Dad was an only child, he's fathered 4 kids, Me, My two sisters & our half brother, both my sisters are married so the name hasn't carried over to their kids, & the half brother has two girls, so again the name is unlikely to carry over there, So it comes down to me, & If me & Libby have a girl, The name dies with me, because it's highly unlikely that we'll be able to have another child. I'm not sure if I feel sad about that or not.
I think i'd like to attempt to do a family tree, just to see if theres many Holden's on my granddads side of the family

Lately it seems like the entire world & it's dog are pregnant. Whether it's inspired by the birth of Prince William & Kate's (I dunno what her actual title is) baby or It's people getting out of paying bedroom tax  (cynical?... me?) Either way we're clearly in the middle of a full on baby boom
I'm thankful that it's happening now & not 6 months ago otherwise i'd quite possibly have gone nuts.  But it really bugs me, that when people see Libby's bump, they might be thinking we're just part of the trend, Sometimes I just want to scream out at people, even though they're probably not even thinking what I think they're thinking, but still, my mind works in strange ways

On a final note, Libby's Nannan fancies herself as a bit of a psychic, she thinks because of the shape of the bump that we're having a girl, but then again, because there hasn't been any morning sickness, it could be a boy, so I could be either.... yeah, i'd have never have guessed ;)

#30 Three cheers for writers block!

28th June 2013

Here it is, the result of years & years of heartbreak, agony & anger. Ladies & gentlemen, i'd like to introduce you all to Wiggle. This is the scan we had done at CARE on the 25th, still no accurate date yet, we won't have the dating scan until Tuesday 9th July. We're pretty sure it's the frozen embryo that we got the negative test result from, I don't see how it can be anything else, because we didn't do the ... you know... do that, for at least a month or so after, so that would make it younger than the 11 week estimate  that care gave us, & if it is the the frostie, that would make it older than the 11 week estimate, but that makes the most sense to us, but can't be 100% sure 'til the dating scan
All I do know is that it still all seems so surreal, I can't even begin to make sense of it all, & I don't think I want to, It's like the best dream ever & I don't want to wake up.

2nd July 2013

Its safe to say that this woman has the biggest, loudest voice on the face of the planet, but i suppose thats what you want from a midwife, All she'd need is a huge ginger beard & she'd be a double of Brian Blessed (Please don't ask who Brian Blessed is)
Nothing really much to report, just mainly filling forms & answering LOT'S of questions. Then this bombshell hit. "have you thought about testing for Downs syndrome?"
As many of the regular readers will know, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Why are the asking me this question, do they know something? yep, I'm freaking out. & the first thing that springs to mind is 'Can we test to see if it's going to be ginger' I am so glad that thought didn't escape my lips, because I reckon it would have gone down like a fart in a spacesuit
I later found out that this is just a routine question, but it still hasn't made the decision process any easier.
If we don't have the test, i'll worry about what might happen, If we have the test & it's a high risk, We can be prepared, But can you ever be prepared for something like that, & even if we are at a high risk, It's still likely that all will be normal, so we would have been worrying for nothing. It's looking like whatever my decision, i'm going to worry. I've got a lot to think about. One thing I do know, If it is born with Downs syndrome, it'll still be loved & will still be wanted.

9th July 2013

After much thought, I think i've decided  to not have the tests for Down syndrome. Whatever the outcome, the result will not change anything. he/she will still be loved, no matter what.
Every time we have been to the Greenoaks center at Rotherham Hospital, (& we've been here a lot) We're normally sat waiting for a ridiculously long time past our appointment time, & it's always been torture, you see, they do ultrasound scans, midwifery & Infertility investigations, all in the same department, so if your going through the nightmare of infertility, you WILL be sat in the same waiting room as a lot of pregnant women.Today it's all different, we're not sat in misery, we're now the people we've spent years being bitter towards. It feels odd, but it feels good, I'm just glad the waiting room is empty so there's no one feeling like we did all those times. & because the waiting room is empty, we don't have to wait.
A large gentle looking man shouted us through for our ultrasound scan.Really wasn't expecting it to be a man, not that it makes any difference.
Wiggle wasn't wiggling as much as last time, which kinda upset Libby a little, but the sonographer (Can't remember his name)  was very reassuring, & that there was still a lot of movement. He asked the question about the Downs syndrome tests & we were quite adamant that we didn't want them. He actually seemed quite glad about that, because wiggle was laying in a funny position  (like father like...embryo) & made it quite hard to measure the back of the neck. There is another test, where they take fluid from the amniotic sack, but there is a risk of miscarriage with that, so that's right of the window.
Anyhoo.. the date he gives us backs up the rough date that we were given at care, Due date is January 11th 2014. Which means it can't be the frosty, however, I'm still convinced that this is wrong.

The midwife isn't a large gentle looking man, She's a very grumpy looking woman, & comes across as someone who is in it for the money, not 'cause she care, although i might be wrong, but that's how she comes across, Didn't really like her very much if i'm honest, she didn't seem very professional at all. & to make matters worse she asked about the Downs syndrome test & that we could still change our mind if we wanted. GREAT more indecision! Thank god our community midwife was much more friendly (even if she is a lot louder)


Looking at the scan pic, I'm convinced that we're having a T-Rex, we need more dinosaurs in the family

11th July 2013

I feel horrible right now, I keep getting mad at Libby for buying baby things, I want to wait 'til closer to the birth so I know everything is going to be ok & then it feels like we might not be wasting our money. I know that sounds horrible. But i'm just absolutely petrified to get too attached to something that could still go horribly wrong. I've been down this road too many times where the carrot has been dangled in front of me & then taken away & i don't want to be hurt again

Someone slap me please!!!

15th July 2013

I must say i'm feeling a little more relaxed about wiggle now. I've had a few days to breathe and to speak to people. I learnt a valuable lesson from a friend whose 3 year old daughter has been diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia this week, I need to enjoy this because the worry doesn't end with the birth, it's a lifelong thing & theres always going to be scary things around every corner

This weekend just gone, I've been 'forced' into shopping for baby things, & I actually think I enjoyed it, (Shhh don't tell anyone)  Especially when I found an absolutely awesome Spider-man costume baby grow in Mothercare... It had better be a boy now!
So now we have nursery furniture, a few sleepsuits, & few little bits & pieces, & we're currently on the hunt for a pram that isn't going to mean remortgaging the house

The only thing thats kinda bugging me now, is that its starting to look more & more likely that Wiggle was a natural conception. which we were lead to believe was impossible & I spent so much time getting angry with people who would say 'relax & it'll happen in time'. & now it has happened naturally, I feel like a bit of a fraud.
I don't think for one minute that de-stressing has played a part in this because we were as stressed as we have been for the last few years of trying to concieve, because we we're about to start out last attempt at IVF. As the nurse at Care said when found out, the IVF drugs mixed with hormones can sometimes kickstart the body into working

#29 An Unexpected Twist

24/06/2013

I started this post off almost a month ago with absolutely no idea what to write, all i know is that the last two whole months have been sheer bliss, Normal sleep patterns, relatively stress & anxiety free living & it's about to become crashing to an end, as we approach the date that the wife becoming a pincushion for the second & final (?) time.
We're due to start treatment on the 27th of this month, but this morning, Libby started bleeding heavy a few days ahead of when it should have started, This is hardly surprising, more of an annoyance, because it could potentially stall our treatment for another month or maybe longer.
We called the clinic as a precaution & to find out what happens next, The have given us an appointment for tomorrow for a scan & a blood test to eliminate the possibility of another cyst or an endo bleed... YAY!!! the stress has started before the first needle breaks the skin

25/06/2013

I'm now on the second day of my week off, also the 2nd day i've got out of bed at 6am when i don't have to go to work...THIS SUCKS!
At least today it is through choice, I don't have to go to Libby's scan, but I have nothing like work in my way to stop me & i like to hear what's happening from the horses mouth. So i'm sat outside the clinic at 7.40am, 20 minutes before any of the staff get here, I'm wearing shorts & t shirt & it's not all that warm...I could/should still be in bed.
On the plus side, because we're the first to be seen, there's not much chance of the appointment been delayed.
So faster than you can say funky gibbon, libby is stripped from the waist down with nothing but a towel to keep her modesty intact. To be honest I wasn't expecting any surprises, just the usual, 'you have an ovarian cyst, roughly the size & shape of texas'
After a long pause, We got some VERY unexpected news Something along the lines of  "there is something there, you appear to be pregnant...Very pregnant" Que long confused silent pause
Me & Libby just looked at each other, not sure whether to laugh or cry. I'm still gobsmacked hours later
Apparently it's roughly 11 weeks, but can't be sure till we see a midwife for a proper scan, but here's the weird thing, there's a chance that this could be the result of out last IVF attempt which we tested as negative, ...that test was 11 weeks ago, There is also a slight chance that this could be natural, The nurse said the ivf drugs & mixture of hormones can sometimes kickstart the lady bits into working, Either way i'm not bothered, i'm quite possibly the happiest man alive right now. & I hope to a god that never changes.
The scan clearly shows a heartbeat & it wouldn't stay still long enough to take a picture.
In the tradition of giving things names (Eggburt, Nemo) we calling it Wiggle, although I prefer Cleetus the Foetus

#28 Chapter 3, the beginning of the end (ooooh sounds a bit sinister)

25/04/2013

Hi, me again. Although a little less stressed...for now. Welcome to the last chapter in this fucked up rollercoaster of a journey.
This will be our third & final funded cycle of IVF, & as there is no way on gods green earth we could afford to pay to continue the journey, this is where it will come to a definite end, so it had better work, or else... Or else what I have no idea. Who am I even threatening? God? myself? Libby? Mrs Smith at No42? Answers on a postcard to the usual address

"I can see clearly, now the rain has gone"

Sorry to quote the old Jimmy Cliff song, but it's kinda relevant to how the last attempt ended. I know this might sound strange (it does to me) but I felt strangely relieved when the FET (frozen embryo transfer) failed, it was like I could breath for the first time in weeks, & thinking straight was pure bliss.Don't get me wrong, I was truly gutted, but my head was so messed up, that it had overshadowed everything else.
I wish the clinic offer more in the way of psychological support, because I need it from time to time...well more often than not, Yes i'm unstable. There I said it.

I had convinced myself that that was the end, I couldn't put myself through the mental torture again, & worst of all I couldn't bare to see Libby bring reduced to another physical & emotional wreck again. Maybe I was just fooling myself because I want to be a father so bad, I want to make my wife, my angel the best & proudest mother on the planet.
It's so hard to just walk away from something that you want (need) so bad, even though it might never happen. I went to bed on that thought & woke up the next day with a newfound determination to give this our last & best shot. After all it's better to try & fail than to not try at all. But this time failure is not an option, I'm in it to win it. Positivity town ... Here I come!

Soooooo! We were back at the clinic today, & it was nothing much to write home about, not an entire waste of time.We're looking at starting again at the beginning of June with everything the same as the original fresh cycle, lots of drugs, needles & the complete breakdown of my wife. But we're going with that approach, because the result from that time round were beyond our expectations, with the exception of the fact that the embryo had to be removed in surgery.
We got talking about the ectopic pregnancy that ended our first cycle & something was mentioned that had never been mentioned before, or at least not mentioned in my presence. That libby has Pelvic inflammatory disease & this could cause another ectopic, but it can be controlled with drugs
So I did some research (never a good thing) & to my dismay, I found out it's actually could be the route cause of all of this. Weirdly we've bloods & other bodily fluids taken over the years & there has never been any sign of an STI whatsoever this just confuses my totally.
But whether that is that case & whether or not it is my fault, what's done is done & I can't let it cloud my will to make this cycle work

#27 Another chapter closes

4th April 2013

There's nothing better than being kicked in the teeth before breakfast. And on today's breakfast menu... A BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Another chance at a being a proper family has been snatched away from us. I'm not entirely sure how I feel yet, lost I suppose.
To make matters worse, the first three stories on the morning news are all children or newborn related. If there is a god, I imagine he's pointing & laughing at us right now

Right I'm off to drink coffee & wallow in self pity

#26 Apologies without apologising

1st April 2013

Okay, at the end of my last post I said I wouldn't be posting anything for a while, but I simply cannot switch off from this journey, my mind has become IVF & everything that goes with it 24/7.
I  have a tendency to let my mind & my mouth runaway with themselves. But here's the problem, my mind is running wild & I'm jumping to a lot of conclusion which aren't always the right conclusions, & because I'm writing about a lot of things that tie in with the journey, these wrong conclusion are resulting in people (friends in particular) being offended or upset about what I'm saying. It seems I'm pushing people even further away.
But this is the weird thing, I'm not sorry. This how I feel.or what I felt at a specific time.
I wanted this blog to be a chronicle of every mindset I experience & the reactions that come with it, in a hope that I can try make sense of it all in an attempt to council myself through everything, I also hoped it might help someone else understand what comes with the whole process & the thoughts & feelings & conclusions that come with it (whether right or wrong)
Hopefully someone will see the errors of MY ways to recognize them & avoid them or make them better for themselves. I however haven't learnt anything & it's all become a bit of a mess, I have become consumed by it all & I'VE become a mess too.

Before, I used to bottle my feelings & emotions up and it would occasionally all bubble up to the surface & make a mess of things, but this time the same has happened, even though thought I've expressed how I feel.
This past Friday, I went out for what was intended to be a fun night out with my two sisters & a couple of mates. Well it started off as fun, but ended being alcohol fuelled  tear stained bout of anger & bitterness. I'm scared it's going to go wrong, I'm scared I'm losing my family & friends, I'm scared that if it fails it's going to end up ripping me & Libby apart. It's got to the point I'm scared to carry on. ...I'm broken
When we first started or journey, I wish the psychological side was explained as well as the physical side, maybe our choice to go ahead might have been different.  IVF & infertility is truly horrible, I wouldn't wish anything to do with infertility on my worst enemy
I wan't to switch off, I want to be happy again, even If just for 5 minutes, Is that too much to ask?

#25 Frosties ...... They're Grrrrrreat!

25th March 2013
I originally started writing this at 3am while sat sucking on ice, because my mouth felt like i'd been chewing on a brick, I really ought to see someone about my teeth grinding. but who, seeing as I hate dentists with a passion. But anyway, I deleted what I started because it didn't make a great deal of sense.
Also, a lot of it was composed on my phone while sat on a bus, so I can imagine that it's still doesn't make much sense. I'm also in a better mood than I have been all day, so you may notice, most of what I've written is a bit doom & gloom, interspersed with silly bits (I'm not manic/depressive or anything)

It's fair to say our journey has been full of ups & downs throughout, & today alone we've relived them all.
I don't think either of us got a great deal of sleep last night, I'm not entirely sure if it's down to excitement or nervousness. Which ever it was, it already set my day off on a downer... It doesn't take much, believe me. All I can say is thank The Lord for caffeine!
Being a glass half empty kinda guy & always expecting the worse. I'd been dreading the call from the clinic all morning, the call that should say "the embryo has thawed ok, come & have it stuck in ya" (maybe it'd be worded better with them being professionals & all that) But I had a feeling this wasn't going to be the case at all, & when the call came in at 11.30, my suspicions were confirmed. The thaw was unsuccessful. To say I was gutted would be an understatement.
Me, being me, I stormed off & decided not to acknowledge it & continue cleaning the kitchen.
(yeah, you read that right, I am a man that cleans the house)
The embryologist wanted to thaw both the remaining just to improve the chances of survival. But that news really didn't do anything to improve my mood, I was already set to strike this part of the journey off as just another failure.
What's the best thing to do when your fast approaching the time to leave the house to go to the clinic? Take off your clothes & get in the shower. As I've previously stated in older posts that we're masters at cutting things fine, we don't do early (or at least not very often) & we seem to thrive on the chaos of trying to get their on time.
The whole journey to the clinic was a long silent one, I couldn't even make the effort to get angry at Bruno Mars on the radio (I hate Bruno Mars more than I hate dentists & needles combined, & don't get me started on dentist WITH needles) but bizarrely enough, considering the shower episode, we were still going to be there early. & therefore had time to stop for food, Which was the only time we spoke throughout the whole journey, well when I say 'spoke' it was only yes's & no's. Anyway we're still early ... Dammit
Sitting in the waiting is normally quite a pleasant experience because overtone is quite friendly & smiling, but today was like waiting for a death sentence & the news that embies 2 & 3 hadn't survived either. By the time we were shown to our private recuperation room, I had a change of heart & opted to stop being a dick & just hugged Libby. The healing power of a hug is the best drug ever #fact!
As usual the nurses were being very attentive, making sure we're ok & if we need anything
The I get asked the hardest question, do we want both embryos placing & if we decide to use both, we need to understand we're doubling the chance of success, & risking multiple births (& here's the punch line) doubling the risk of another ectopic pregnancy. I'm shit at making any kind of decision, let alone one of this kind of magnitude! Aaaaarghhhhh brain meltdown! To make it harder, Libby looked at me to answer. I knew that she had already chose what to do, but wanted me to say the words. So here's the dilemma: if we use one frostie & if fails, we'll always think 'what if we'd used two, it might have worked' & if we use both& we get hit with another ectopic, I'll be of the mindset 'what if we'd used one, would it have worked out ok?'
I chose both
And here they are. I've named one of them Tony (the tiger, from the Kellogg's Frosties cereal) & the other is yet to be named (answers on a postcard...)

Now I'm praying to a god that I don't believe in, failing that, will someone beat some positivity into me?
I'm now gonna step away from this blog for a couple of months, just until I know everything is ok with my wife & kid(s?) & I don't want to jinx things by announcing any pregnancy too early.
Also if it's not alright, well I'll face that bridge when we come to it

Thanks for reading & I'll be back soon
Paul

Not really a blog post, more of a public information broadcast

22nd March 2013
Thankfully, my mind has switched off from over analyzing every little detail, So I thought i'd do something productive with my time.
Here's some really good webpages for help & advice, or just somewhere to go to vent your spleen

Infertility Support UK: www.facebook.com/groups/125220884314261/
A lovely group of ladies who are all at various stages of treatment, I'm the only bloke there. But i've been made to feel very welcome

IVF Cause UK: www.facebook.com/IvfCause?fref=ts
Lots of good info posted most days. Moderated by the lovely Donna

Infertility Sucks: www.facebook.com/Infertility2012
Some really good questions asked & answered

IVF: www.facebook.com/pages/ivf/127102485433?fref=ts
A friendly community for people to share their experiences and problems with other members

IVF Divas: www.facebook.com/IVFDivas?fref=ts
3 girls at 3 stages of Infertility (Testing / IVF Treatment & IVF Survivor) representing the Infertile & TTC, community, campaigning for awareness, social sensitivity, equality and support.

Fertility Friends: www.fertilityfriends.co.uk

Care Fertility: www.carefertility.com/

I'll probably add more when I remember them

#24 Always look on the bright side of life.... You just have to find it first, & if you don't find it, Make your own

20th March 2013

I'm really struggling to find any positivity in our journey today, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake my doubts & fears, & the whole farse at work over the last few days really hasn't helped in the slightest.
In the end, I thought it wise to speak to my area union rep, (even though i'm not actually in the union) just for a bit of advice on what I should do & maybe weigh up the consequences of my actions if I didn't show up for work. Surprisingly he was really understanding, having actually been through it himself.
I explained my plan to sit down with my manager & explain what it means to me to be there & try & not lose my cool again, But he had a better plan & wanted to speak to my manager himself. The next thing I know is, the sound of raised voices & slamming doors (oops) I do know what was said, but I don't think I can go into too much detail just incase there is any of the powers that be within Royal Mail reading this.
Anyhoo, It's now sorted & I've got the day off, I just hope to a god that we don't need many more appointments.
So that's that problem solved I really need to stop being a sour face

Normally under any kind of normal circumstance i'd avoid watching any TV programming about babies & birth such as 'One Born Every Minute' on Channel4, But tonight the BBC are running a night of baby programs. Like an idiot I thought it might do me good to watch it. I assumed the happiness of people might rub off on me & improve my outlook on the subject. Did it work? ...NO! & i'm not surprised really, I have no idea why i thought that it would do.
I think I managed around half an hour before I had to turn off. I found myself getting angry & frustrated at the couples who were successful. But what really hit me hard, there was a girl who had gone for a scan & found no heartbeat, it turns out the baby had died at 11 week & her body didn't know she had miscarried. that hit me like a ton of bricks & then all I could think about was (our previous losses) Eggbert & Nemo. Time for a shower me thinks
Quite possibly the longest, most therapeutic shower of my life. I found myself repeating to myself  "I'm washing away my negativity" ....Yes I think I've finally lost the plot


21st March 2013

It appears my crazy shower idea has worked, I feel a bit more human today. & life seems a little TOO normal, but I'm not complaining

#23 I think i'm broken

19th March 2013

Oh what a truly fucking horrible day! (sorry for the bad language)
After yesterdays good news at the clinic, it seems like everything is crashing down around me.
Yesterday, I threatened to quit my job, because i was refused time off, but then thought things should have been alright because the embryo transfer is going to take place next week instead, but it now turns out i'm probably not going to get that day off either. & from what i can gather, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
"There is no automatic right to time off for fertility treatment but time off for medical appointments related to fertility should be treated in the same way as any other medical appointment under your employer’s policy"  Because it's not me personally having the procedure done, I seemingly don't have a leg to stand on.
this has been constantly rattling around my head all day to the point that i've not been able to think about anything other than this & it's driving me crazy, I've made so many mistakes & delivered tons of mail to wrong address's (& if anyone complains I will not be held responsible for my actions) Now I just feel absolutely drained & void of any kind of enthusiasm. I'm now seriously considering quiting my job, because I don't believe Royal Mail is a company I want to work for anymore

I decided to phone CARE, just to check whether or not I need to be there, & it turns out I don't because I've already signed all the necessary consent forms. You think that'd make things clearer & i'd be happy to go to work. No chance, I feel just as shitty! Because I'm a hardcore pessimist misery guts, all I can think of now is, if anything goes wrong & I'm not there, I will hold myself & probably even my manager responsible. I need to be there for my own sanity. It's all messing with my head & it's freaking me out BIG TIME! I'm starting to wish everything would just stop

#22 Trying to think of a title is hard

March 4th 2013
We never thought for one minute we’d ever be eagerly anticipating the start of a monthly bleed, especially With the fact that endometriosis & irregular periods has pretty much meant a lot of unwanted bleeding & misery over the last 10+ years. 

As soon as her cycle starts, she can start the Climoval to prepare the lady bits for the FET (Frozen embryo transfer)

I appear to be in the doghouse right now. My band have got a last minute gig booked for around the time we'll be having the FET, & to add insult to injury, it's also on the day of Libby's birthday, As much as I hate pulling out of playing live (I've never done it...I leave that unprofessional people) I'm going to have to bow out, as much as music is my life, my wife & a chance of completing my family have priority over everything. Thankfully the lads are quite an understanding bunch & are going to do a stripped down performance without this balding noise addict hitting things at the back... so yeah my life has been spared & my marriage is saved

March 9th 2013
As luck would have it we've managed to get an appointment sorted at CARE for the Monday after Libby's birthday & i've been given the go ahead to make noise with the band, to save them from being unrehearsed & on the chaotic side, now it's going to be unrehearsed ... but great fun all the same

March 10th 2013

It's safe to say the combination of meds/endo/period, hasn't really agreed with Libby much this week. It's horrible seeing her in pain & unhappy, but you have to keep telling yourself it's all means to an end & it's what we want, no matter how horrible things get.

I wish more people would understand how painful & emotionally draining IVF & infertility in general is. & that it isn't just a quick fix solution to not being able to conceive. Once again i've had the 'if the ivf doesn't work, it'll happen naturally in it's own time' Yes this might be the case for some people, but not for us, we can't conceive for medical reasons. 
Also, this last week or so that things have been up in the air with the band, i've ended up losing my temper with someone I used to consider a close friend. He was due to help out for the gig i wasn't going to do, but now because I am doing it, he was felt the need to have a pathetic dig at me, for inconveniencing him & wasted his Thursday night because he had to rehearse when it wasn't required.
Well i'm so sorry that my future is less important that your couple of hours on a thursday night.
The reason i wasn't going to do it was my wife might need to take it easy & be stress free, because she could be carrying my freshly implanted child. So because we're not at the clinic until after the gig, I thought i'd be a good mate & help out by doing what mates do. Only to be vilified ...Gee thanks!

March 17th 2013I did the gig last night & it was awesome, the best yet. but my 'mate' who caused the previous rant, STILL doesn't get it & felt the need to have another dig, but this time for losing my temper. One upon a time he's have admitted he was wrong an apologise, strange how people change isn't it.
It seems to me people who don't understand or are ignorant towards IVF & the baggage that comes with it, are the people who don't seem to have a problem having children?

March 18th 2013
Today is a day of firsts, We set off early & we're actually half an hour early for an appointment. Shame that it was in vein, for the first time ever we have been kept waiting 45 minutes to see the nurse. DAMMIT! Typical huh? #note to self...Don't be organised, chaos is much better
Libby is not happy about the fact that the need to take blood as well as being probed in places that most people wouldn't be probed if they had the choice.
It's seems seems that the meds have had the desired effect & it's looking good, but it also looks like it's had a undesired effect too... the return of the ovarian cyst, but this time it's roughly 1cm bigger than before, which could explain a lot of the pain that Libby has been getting.
So now we're just waiting to find out what the blood results have to say & I'm just hoping this cyst doesn't delay things again. If not we could be looking at later this week for the transfer.

On a very rare occasion public transport hasn't let me down (another 1st) I was back home for 10.30, If i'd have known I'd have been back this early I could have still gone to work after all, so I thought i'd do the right thing & call in to see if there was anything i could help out with, & also inform my manager that i may need another day off this week.
I've previously mentioned how good she's been with me needing time off, so i was actually expecting the same treatment. but NO, not this time, I was told there was no chance at all, because there was no one to cover & then made to feel guilty for needing time off. The problem is I don't have an option, I have to be there, or the procedure won't go ahead, & that's clinic policy. 
But I'm told there is an option & it involve's jeopardising my long term happiness & going to work. SOOOO, I told her, that this is more important than any job & if it come's to it, I will quit my job & walk out. I can always find other work, The way i see it is, I work to live, not live to work

We should hear in the next 40 minutes what the blood results are, & also find out whether or not in need to start looking for anther job


.....& the results are in!
It's looking like I don't need to quit my job just yet. The embryologist will defrost the embies on Monday 25th & we're booked in for 13.30 

AWESOME!!!!!!!

#21 A bit of stuff & nonsense

25/02/2013

I'm finding it hard to keep up with writing this blog. Since the loss we suffered in November, I've tried my best to avoid thinking about IVF & everything associated with it, because the emotions attached a still so raw & I find avoiding issues is good for me, I know I shouldn't bottle things up but it's just how I work. As ive said many times 'I am just a typical everyday bloke' ...& this is how us men deal with stuff, right?
Recently it seems like i'm surrounded by it. Especially this week with the publication of the NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) Infertility guidlines & all thge forore surrounding them

Also daily TV show This Morning in the UK are running an Infertility awareness week. I must admit this is an excellent thing to happen, but it's also set the old grey matter back into action, & that's not such a good thing

Just looking through some of the comments on This Morning's Facebook page, & I'm faced with the reason why we need such a thing as National infertility awareness week. People need educating because they are clueless about infertility or for some reason are so against it,& it's really quite worrying. Lots of comments saying things like 'It's cos they're actively trying, if they just stopped trying, and only had sex when in the mood, they'd fall pregnant quite easily' 
I've had people people say this kind of thing to me no end of this, & yeah, I kinda get that that might be the case for some people, But a lot of infertility issues that most people have are due to actual medical reasons.
I really wish it was as simple as stopping trying, In fact i'd give my right nut to have it that easy (Although, giving up my testicles for the purpose of having kids is kinda counter productive) I'm sure every single couple going through IVF could list the reasons why that argument is so unbelievably flawed
With us, having sex is rarely an option because wifey finds it agonizing due to endometriosis, & even if that wasn't the case theres the small matter of the under performing overies, & a fallopian tube that is none existant, which before was blocked
The thing is pro-creating is a lot harder than just having sex, if it happens without trying, then the people people are lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it)
There was one amazing reply to the post in question from a lady saying 'It's like saying if someone was disabled if they just relaxed and didn't try they could walk again' that brought a little smile to my face

There's also lots of people saying things like 'I do think its sad some people can't have children, but surely the more people conceive through treatments ect, means less homeless children being adopted and given the chance of a loving home?  or  'IVF is wrong, Infertility is gods way of controlling the population, the world is overcrowded as it is'
But adoption isn't always a good solution, it can be sometimes a lengthy & stressful process, & in some cases quite expensive. The adopted kids can also come with a lot of issues which can be quite damaging to family life, believe me I've seen it.
Besides is it not enough that we are registered foster carers?
The funny thing is, all the negative comments come from people who, based on their personal Facebook profiles clearly already have children of their own & therefore have little or no actual experience of infertility, or ectopic/miscarriage
I really don't know why there is so much negativity & vitriol towards Infertility treatments, Would anyone care to try & explain it to me?

I've also come across a few cases of people who have been through IVF or an actual end product of it, That are ashamed of it. This really confuses me.
Its not the easiest thing to go through & it takes a lot of physical & emotional strength, I'm proud of the fact of what we've achieved in the last year the high's & even the lows that we've overcome, to the point that I want to sing it from the rooftops, & lot of this blog is me doing just that.



With our FET (frozen embryo transfer) fast approaching (about 3 weeks time) It's had me looking forward to the future & what it has instore for us. It got me thinking about if we can actually afford to raise a child in this day & age, where money is not all that easy to come by. So I've decided to take a step closer to becoming a 'responsible' adult. I've decided to give over with achieving nothing & earning very little in dead end jobs, So I've took my first step on the career ladder, I've applied for a deputy manager position with Royal Mail. I still won't be rolling in money, but it's certainly a step in the right direction



The downside to the closeness of our next chapter, is that i've had to do one thing i absolutely hate doing & that's pulling out of a show with my band on March 16th. but as much as I hate doing it, My lady deserves my undiveded attention. And i'll happily be a little slave boy for her. I'm determined to make this time around as stress free as humanly possible.



I'm not sure if I've brought up the subject of our (non-deliberate) bitterness towards friends, Family & even complete strangers who are successful at making babies. We don't try to push these people away or distance ourselves from them, but we have been doing just that, maybe subconsciously, I don't really know. But the reason we have been doing it is because it hurts so much to see people happy with their buns in the oven or little bundles of joy. It seems like we're being punished & it's horrible.
Last night I got one of the most heart warming messages from a good friend, saying that him & his partner are expecting their 1st child together (Both have kids from past relationships) He didn't want to start broadcasting it until he'd made sure we were comfortable with it, because he didn't want to rub salt into to our open wounds.
The fact that he'd thought that he had to do this (which he didn't) is the single nicest gesture I've received in a long long time, & for once we wish them all the luck in the world, & my god do they deserve it


In hindsight, Maybe this blog wasn't one of my better idea's, or perhaps I should have kept it anonymous. With the ever fast coming FET, it means that i'm going to have to either tell people far too early that it's worked, or be the barer of bad news to people who don't really know me. If it was anonymous at least it would be a bit more impersonal & easier to deal with.
But I have started, so I guess it's going to have to finish the story. I'm just not sure how to go about writing about the coming events, I don't want to tempt fate & I cerainly can't bare going through the same thing as last time & then have to feel like I have to write about it. I might not write anything for a few months just to get the 1st 3 month out of the way, then it should be plain sailing by that point. I really don't know what to do

#20 Here we go again

07/01/2013

It's hard to believe its been nearly two months since I last posted anything, where has time gone?
First of all, happy new year to all of you. I hope Santa has treated you well?
I don't know if its the cantankerous old man within me, but I've never really been a fan of christmas. I find, that as a celebration it's kinda lost its way, but I shan't go into that (unless you want me to)
This year (I suppose that should be last year, what with it bring January) I've decided to try make the most of it & try to be a little less anti-Christmas, or antisocial as Libby will no doubt probably tell you.
But I'll tell you what, it bloody worked. Who'd have thought that spending quality time with loved ones & friends can serve well as a distraction from miniature disasters & major catastrophe's.

For any readers that haven't being reading this blog from day one (where have you been?) me & my wife of 5 years & partner for 17 years have recently undergone our first cycle of IVF, because my wife's internal lady parts are a bit crap, This cycle had some very positive results but unfortunately ended with an ectopic pregnancy back in November

09/01/2012

We were back at Rotherham general hospital yesterday for a follow up on the surgery that Libby had to undergo as part of removing the fallopian tube that 'Nemo' the embryo had decided to call home . We had hoped that it would be the end to the first chapter, so we could get on with the next, but annoyingly that wasn't the case at all.
We had always been led to believe that Libby had one fallopian tube that was blocked & serving no purpose, This tube could have been removed during the various medical procedures to find out what the problem is/was. This tube wasn't remove because it wasn't causing any harm.
So when we found out about the ectopic pregnancy, we assumed it was in the good tube & that was the one that was removed in the operation to remove the foetus  & we have never been told anything that would make us think otherwise. Especially when you have medical professionals telling you that the procedure was a success despite the complications, the fetus & tube we're removed & it's now one less thing to go wrong in future attempts at procreating, however it can now never happen naturally. again making us think it was the good tube removed & the blocked one causing no harm.
So why during this appointment with the consultant, are we told that the ectopic was in the blocked tube & why is the good tube still in there? So when we're told it can't happen again, we find that to be nothing short of a lie or ridiculously misleading information. It can happen again.
This fills me with so much dread, I was only just getting used to the idea of starting the Ivf again & now i feel like ive been kicked in the bollocks. Not good

17/01/2013
Luckily we managed to get an appointment at CARE at short notice thanks to a cancellation. Talk about history repeating its self, almost every appointment, either me or Libby have been late or cut it fine, It's usually me though (always) this time both of us are late thanks to the snow, well, its due to other drivers not having a clue how to drive in the snow ...says me the non driver hehehe
It's horrible been late for appointments especially when you get the feeling all the staff are looking at you disapprovingly  I thought I was being paranoid, but Libby felt the same too.
I was expecting a telling off from the nurse we had the appointment with, It's not one of the usual staff from our previous appointments, so wasn't sure what to expect, Luckily she was lovely, (But most of 'em have been)
She had clearly been swotting up on our files, She knew all of Libby's 'complex' medical history leading upto where we are know, the miscarriage, the ectopic, endometriosis & everything inbetween. The solution to all these problems was simple... ''We have got to get you pregnant'' ...well that's easy for you to say, I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to. You see my confidence isn't all that high at the minute, considering the information that we got from Rotherham Hospital. I'm pessimistic at best. thankfully the nurse who I cannot remember the name of, did a pretty good job of reassuring me. Yes the worst can happen again. but the chances are slim. As they say 'lightning never strikes the same place twice'
So anyway, we're giving one of our frozen embryo's a shot. which is good because Libby doesn't have to go through all the injections again. just some pills, (Climoval, to stop the ovaries form working ...I think) plus the Utogestan pessaries that she had to take vaginally during the end stages of the previous attempt (To thicken the womb lining so the embryo can implant itself into it)
The only downside now is waiting to start, the clinic prefer to wait for three menstrual cycles to pass after a failed attempt, so the body can get back to normal (or as normal as can be). So we're looking at mid march time .... this is going to be a long wait

25/01/2013

Ive done a fair bit of research on FET (frozen embryo transfer) & all the info i've found is really positive.
for instance frozen embryo's normally lead to health babies & the success rate is higher

The Independent
Huffington Post
NHS
www.fertilitystories.com/frozenembryo