#9 Stress

16/09/2012

It's really easy to see why fertility issues causes the meltdown of some relationships, even well before they've got to IVF stage. I've seen it happen quite a few times, & the sad thing is, one of the couple's I'm refering to both now have kids with different partners. When I heard that they had split up, I was quite critical (as usual) sayin that the had no commitment to each other or that they didn't love each other. when in fact it's the stress of it that ripped them apart
I consider my marriage to be as strong as as it can be, especially in the last year or two, things have been better that I could have ever imagined. Not that things were bad before, it's just that occasionally we were prone to taking each other for granted, & I'm not always the easiest of people to live with. But recently there has what seems to be a slight wedge between us, not in any serious kind of way, mainly because Libby is struggling with the side effects of the medication & stresses that come with it, coupled with my general inability to do anything about it. Admittedly I can make cups of tea & constantly say "don't worry, it'll be all right" & to a degree that's OK, but to me OK isn't enough. I want to be able to say it's going to be fine & be 100% sure that what i'm saying is what I mean. & that in turn stresses me out & adds to that wedge between us.

18/09/2012

I don't have much luck when it comes to public transport, Well it strikes again. Thanks to both bus & train, I made it into Sheffield twenty minutes late, giving me 10 minutes to get from one side of the city to the other. Thankfully Libby had borrowed the company car from work & was able to pick me up from the station, It just meant I had to get in it without her pulling up in a no stopping zone. I should work for Mi5 with the daredevil stunt I pulled off. Jumping in a moving car? ...EASY! (admittedly it was moving quite slow, thanks to the traffic lights) We made it to the clinic with only seconds to spare.
Annoyingly it proved to be a pointless journey. Well it always was going to be for me, because I'm surplus to requirements at the moment anyway, but I'm determined to be there as often as humanly possible. The scan that should have been taking place, now wasn't taking place, because a blood test will surfice, Ive travelled over an hour by bus, train & car, to witness something I hate & wasted a holiday day at work...AWESOME!
Taking blood from Libby is like taking blood from a stone, Both are heartless & cold! (Did i say that out aloud?) some nurses can do it with the greatest of ease, but most struggle. it's been known for blood to be extracted from her feet because her veins in her arms & hands are so hard to draw from, Today's nurse is of the struggling king & inflicted quite a bit of pain to take some red stuff. So anyway you'll find me in the waiting room, it's like watching a horror film

19/09/2012

Today is blood test results day AND... It's not good. It turns out the suprecur injections haven't been doing the job of dampening down Libby's hormones, Instead her oestrogen levels are higher than normal. So now she's got to go back tomorrow for the scan she should have had yesterday. Apparently this is quite common, but surely if it's common we should have been told about it before now. I would have preferred to have had this information instead of the biology lessons that were inflicted on us.

20/09/2012

So Libby has had to go the her scan on her own, because I couldn't get the day off work at such short notice
delays, which makes me quite irritable, Because I wanted to be there for my Wife, like a husband should.
It turns out Libby has another ovarian cyst, which is probably causing the hormone level to still be quite high.
Libby has a thing about ovarian cysts, most meds she takes seems to trigger them. So it almost seems quite normal to us. but annoyingly it might drag our treatment out a bit longer

21/09/2012

Libby's had a call from the clinic today regarding the results of the scan. She's been advised to skip the next set of drugs (Menopur) & go straight to the last one (Ovitrelle) because it should shrink  the cyst, & then she can carry on as normal maybe only delaying things by about two weeks ... Fingers crossed

The Ovitrelle needle is quite odd looking, it looks a little like one of those pens with interchangable inks, it's quite a large syringe, but with a smallish needle & a button instead of a plunger.

Like an idiot, I've read up on the side effects again & got myself worked up. So hopefully it's 'worse case scenario' stuff like it was with the Suprecur

<sometime later>
So far we've had nausia, dizziness, aches & pains, tears, hugs, tea & sympathy & for now I now have a comatose wife. She's watching Hollyoaks on TV, but with her eyes closed, (which I find the best way to watch soap opera's & without sound too) but she's not asleep... Honest
I've also plucked up the courage to voice my concerns about the aforementioned 'wedge' between us, but also reassured ourselves that we'll get through it because we know it's there, We know why it's there & we know it'll go away once things calm down
& if it gets too much, we can stop the treatment, because our relationship will always come first. As much as this is important to us, it isn't the be all & end all

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#8 Hopes & Fears

11/09/2012
I want to thank everyone for their kind words of support, it's been a really big help. Even though I haven't done this for sympathy or praise, it's still nice to receive it. I originally did it as a bit of Therapy for myself, getting some things of my chest & maybe help other people who going through similar things, Especially the blokes out there who don't like asking for help or talking about subjects like this, because it is hard

I'm praying that if all this works, that we have a boy, because there's far to many females in this house already & I never get to watch what I want on tv because there's ALWAYS bloody soap opera's on, Even the dogs are higher in the pecking order than me. I'd be safer getting in the chinchilla's cage.
In all honesty, I really don't care if it's a boy or a girl, & wouldn't want to know before it's birth, I wan't to experience all the fun & surprises along the way, I want to be like a little kid at Christmas, But i'm getting ahead of myself, I don't want to get my hopes to high, purely because there's still so much that can go wrong,
We already have a high risk of an ectopic pregnancy, which is far too scary for me to even contemplate. plus there's the other risks that go with having children after the age of 30, like higher risk of Downs syndrome & other disabilities & scariest of all miscarriage, I really think that would be like a hammer blow to us if that happened again.

13/09/2012
Y'know when I started writing this blog, I said 'some of it will make you think I'm a dickhead' Well this is going to be one of those posts, Because the stage we are now at with our treatment, (I keep saying OUR treatment, when in fact I don't have a great deal to do, besides getting acquainted with little plastic pots) things are quite slow moving & not a great deal to write about, so i'm going to air some thoughts & views that will probably put people off me &/or this blog ...Sorry!

It has occurred to me many times that if we hadn't waited til now to start trying for a family things might have been very different & perhaps less complicated, but i'm kinda glad we did. purely for the reason that the current 'younger' generation scares the crap out of me. For example If I look out of my front windows right now (Or at almost any time of the day, except in winter) I see families sat outside their houses smoking & drinking (including a pregnant teenager), shouting & swearing at each other in front of young children, shouting & swearing AT young children. Litter & beer cans all over the place. Kids running all over the road & it's quite a busy road too, It's a miracle no one has been hurt. Children aren't taught respect any more either, We had an incident a week or so ago, where one of the kids from the house opposite threw a piece of wood at our car as we parked up on the street. Libby confronted the mother about it, & all she said was "he's a right little c*nt" with no apology what so ever, then she she threatened to beat the kid when she got hold of him. What has that taught the kid or any other kid that saw it? I dread to think
I know this isn't just happening on my street or even just in Maltby, its almost every village, town & city throughout the country.
So hopefully, by waiting to have kids, they might miss this generation altogether & things might improve, I doubt it, At least it can't get much worse. ...I hope
One though does enter my mind quite a lot is that there should be some form of licence to have kids, like you would for a car, you learn how to be a parent before you can become one. We had to be checked that we didn't have a criminal record & we could provide a safe environment for a baby (See previous blog) before we could start our IVF, so why isn't such a thing applied to people having kids naturally? Although that would be impossible to enforce & probably against a whole load of human rights

14/09/2012
Today I saw quite possibly the most horrifying thing ever. A woman at a cash machine with a little girl & a dog. Not that scary eh? Anyway the dog bolted off across the road, The woman chased after the dog leaving the little girl stood on her own on a relatively busy high street, not many people around but plenty of cars. I told Libby to pull over so I could go after the dog So the woman could stay with the kid, but she carried on running after dog, leaving a child aged 5 or 6 crying her eyes out. I know we do silly things when we panic, but to leave a child on their own to go after a dog is disgraceful. Anything could have happened to her. she could have run out into the road & got hit by a car, kidnapped or anything sinister like that, How did the woman know I wasn't going to do something horrible? luckily I managed to calm the girl down & take her to her mum or whoever she was. Typically, I didn't even get a thank you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY??? I despair, I really do.

15/09/2012
I was recently having a conversation in a group on Facebook about my fears of being a parent. The lady I was speaking to, said her "eldest of three is now 20 years old & it's still quite scary & doesn't really get much easier. Shame there's no instruction book" So I started looking around the internet for 'Good Parenting guides' & was amazed at some of the things that were suggested, things that are common sense. But if it is that easy, why do so many people seem to find it hard work?
I'm not the brightest of people, not by a long shot, but I do pride myself on my common sense approach to life, so hopefully I'll be able to rise to the challenge, & I'm sure it will be challenging. But If we can care for our foster daughter, a hormonal teenage girl (with added baggage) we can just about care for anything.
But maybe there should be a lot more additional help out there for for people that want & need it. Well that's if it's not there already.

#7. Drugs & sex, but no Rock & roll!

07/09/2012

We've a special delivery .... A large consignment of drugs & syringes! And the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
We have:
Suprecur - A hormone suppressant, Injected daily for 3 weeks
Menopur - To stimulate egg production, injected daily, alongside the Suprecur, on the 3rd week.
Apparently this drug causes what can be described as a 'mini menopause' (now that's a scary term)
Ovitrelle  - To stimulate egg maturity, A one off injection when advised by clinic depending on the results of a scan & blood test, which will take place on the 18th of this month. If this injection is done wrong, the whole process will have been in vein, because it will not work (Hmmmm no pressure there then) Thankfully more needle training will be given at the next appointment. I don't have to go to this, but I want to, I'm determined to be a part of the whole process. AND as added bonus, it means getting another day off work, plus more stuff for me to write about.

I had no idea what to expect from the forthcoming transformation of my wife into a pin cushion.
It was explained in great detail  by our nurse, but it didn't register, Another case of being blinded by science. So I've done some research online. Normally I wouldn't take notice of 'net doctors' purely because a lot of info found on the net is badly researched & inaccurate. There's also a lot of scare stories out there.
A lot of what I've read does sound vaguely familiar, so there must be some truths in it. There is a scarily long list of potential side effects which I really wish I hadn't read. But Hey! I have now & I suppose it adds to the material I can write about. I'm kinda hoping the more worrying side effects are a worse case scenario because the thought of my wife getting a blood disorder or a decrease in bone density amongst many others is absolutely frightening. But then again if this stuff was 'bad' surely it wouldn't be prescribed to anyone, or at least there would be more warnings Arghhhhhh! now my brain is doing overtime, maybe research wasnt such a good idea after all!
I hope i'm not putting anyone off IVF here, that's the last thing I want to do. Surely any potential pains & anguish caused have got to be worth it, even if it doesn't work out. Yes I'm aware that last sentence might not make a great deal of sense. so here's my thought 'It's better to try & fail, than to not try & never know what could have been'
The scary thing about me having that thought is that there is a hope for me as a positive person <shock>

09/09/2012

Soooo now we're on day 3 of the Suprecur, And no sign of any scary side effects, So far we've had a bit of minor bruising & swelling   & quite a bit of nausea & dizziness. But worst of all .... (wait for it) .... brittle nails, For someone who takes great pride in their fingernails & ever changing colour, this is a fate worse than death
I also read that a dry vagina is also a common side effect, but apparently it's quite the opposit. the downside of this is that I cannot take advantage of this because we've been told by our nurse to avoid getting Libby's heart rate above 140bpm ...DAMN!!!!
When Libby was on the clomid, & we had to have sex regularly, it became a massive chore, now it's the other away around & we have to avoid it, i can guarantee I/we will want it 24/7. BAH! just my luck

10/09/2012
Just been reading through the notes we have from the clinic & the afore mentioned heart rate thing is for when the embryo(s) are implanted into the body... So that means... I can Hop on the good foot & do the bad thing (to quote Austin powers) You know what'll happen now, neither of us will be bothered or too tired. Talk about swings & roundabouts, But never say never heheh

#6 Up's & (Mostly) Downs & up's again

03/09/2012
Sorry if I start (& end) with a bit of a rant today, things have been testing my patience & mostly winning.

Why is it, that when you have an appointment, the whole world decides to conspire against you?
Work, Public transport, & people in general just seem intent on not allowing me to get to Sheffield on time &   making sure I don't particularly enjoy the commute either.
What bugged me most is that i'm travelling to a clinic because of our fetility issues & i'm surrounded by people with kids, not just any people though, These are the kinda people who look like they can't look after themselves, never mind the children they have reared. Not that that I begrudge them the right to procreate, it just seems that their only purpose is to rub salt into my wounds.
To add insult to injury I seem to be surrounded by another pet hates. Lots of young girls in denim hotpants & a full face of make up. This look is fine for older teenagers & adults, but not 8 year olds for gods sake.  I hate the over-sexualisation of kids, it scares me to death, & it's certainly not a good look is it?. It actually puts me off wanting kids if they are going to be nothing more than a sex object, & what's even more worrying is... who is it for?
I just hope I can be a good dad & allow my kid(s) to have a proper childhood, like the ones we had as kids instead of being fast tracked to adolescence
(End of rant)

The appointment was relatively straight forward, just recapping on the previous meeting. plus some needle training. Which I can't bare to watch, I don't know what it is that freaks me out about them, I know that (most of the time) they don't really hurt all that much, it's just the though of anything penetrating the skin turns my stomach. Paul, do you wan't to have a go? Haha...er no, I'll pass thanks. Thank god that Libby's sister is a nurse, That'll come in handy so I don't have to assist in anything injection related should the need arise.
We spent the rest of the appointment chatting with our nurse about, what happens if this cycle is unsuccessful.
Because we are being funded by the NHS (tax funded health care - for non English readers) we are entitled to 2 fresh cycles &  1 or 2 attempts using frozen embryo's. So hopefully we stand quite a good chance of success. I just hope that we are successful first time, because the three month wait between attempts will seem like an eternity
We also got talking about us being foster carers, & the girl we care for. the nurse was quite inquisitive on the subject, asking about her mental well being & the health issues, which we were quite happy to discuss. (I can't actually go into specifics with you, because of confidentiality)
I didn't see the nurse's line in questioning actually had a point to it. As it turns out, they had serious concerns as to our as-yet unborn child's safety around a foster child that has a history of health & psychological issues  (the key word here is 'HISTORY' ....as in something that has past). This really didn't seem a problem until we got home & we received a call from the clinic saying that they couldn't allow the treatment to continue until they had written reassurances from social services that a child would be safe in our care with a potential threat from someone / something else under the same roof.
And now we have a welcome return the pessimist that likes to live in my pocket (I carry him around with me for when a stressful situation arises ...and out it comes)
It's times like this I wish I believed in a god, so I could ask him why he's such a vindictive bastard towards me & Libby. Nothing is straight forward, but i suppose if it was, life would be boring (But I'm starting to think that boring would be nice, if only once in a while)
Because of the arrival of Mr Pessimist, my already deep seated doubts in Social services & their ability to know the difference between their arse's & their elbows was suddenly intensified tenfold.
With the treatment now postponed, I had actually given up hope (on everything) I didn't know when the treatment would be able continue, if at all. It seemed like we we're being penalised for being good honest people. I didn't know if social services would hold up their side of the arrangement. Libby was in pieces, I was unbelievably angry (I broke a fan & kicked a wooden cake stand...which hurt) I needed to get away & the poor dog took all the flack, I picked up her lead & we walked for miles to the village where I used to live, probably about a 9 mile round trip. which I'm so glad I did, the fresh air & alone time was the perfect tonic. I got a lot of thinking done, & the main conclusion i drew was. I need to grow the fuck up, go home & apologise for being a dick & face this head on.

I was totally gobsmacked the next day to find social services had actually done a good job for once  & sorted the whole mess out by informing the clinic that we we're the right people to be caring for a foster child such as the one we have & that she is absolutely no threat to anyone & such a situation arise, we would know how to deal with it & we have social & support workers to aid us as a back up plan. Admittedly we did have to make a lot of noise & make threats to quit fostering if it meant we wouldn't be able to go through our treatment. Fostering is important to us but hopefully having a child that would be our flesh & blood is THE single most important thing in our lives
I was still expecting at least a months delay before treatment could start again, but thankfully we can continue on Friday as originally planned ...BRING ON THE INJECTIONS (evil grin)