#25 Frosties ...... They're Grrrrrreat!

25th March 2013
I originally started writing this at 3am while sat sucking on ice, because my mouth felt like i'd been chewing on a brick, I really ought to see someone about my teeth grinding. but who, seeing as I hate dentists with a passion. But anyway, I deleted what I started because it didn't make a great deal of sense.
Also, a lot of it was composed on my phone while sat on a bus, so I can imagine that it's still doesn't make much sense. I'm also in a better mood than I have been all day, so you may notice, most of what I've written is a bit doom & gloom, interspersed with silly bits (I'm not manic/depressive or anything)

It's fair to say our journey has been full of ups & downs throughout, & today alone we've relived them all.
I don't think either of us got a great deal of sleep last night, I'm not entirely sure if it's down to excitement or nervousness. Which ever it was, it already set my day off on a downer... It doesn't take much, believe me. All I can say is thank The Lord for caffeine!
Being a glass half empty kinda guy & always expecting the worse. I'd been dreading the call from the clinic all morning, the call that should say "the embryo has thawed ok, come & have it stuck in ya" (maybe it'd be worded better with them being professionals & all that) But I had a feeling this wasn't going to be the case at all, & when the call came in at 11.30, my suspicions were confirmed. The thaw was unsuccessful. To say I was gutted would be an understatement.
Me, being me, I stormed off & decided not to acknowledge it & continue cleaning the kitchen.
(yeah, you read that right, I am a man that cleans the house)
The embryologist wanted to thaw both the remaining just to improve the chances of survival. But that news really didn't do anything to improve my mood, I was already set to strike this part of the journey off as just another failure.
What's the best thing to do when your fast approaching the time to leave the house to go to the clinic? Take off your clothes & get in the shower. As I've previously stated in older posts that we're masters at cutting things fine, we don't do early (or at least not very often) & we seem to thrive on the chaos of trying to get their on time.
The whole journey to the clinic was a long silent one, I couldn't even make the effort to get angry at Bruno Mars on the radio (I hate Bruno Mars more than I hate dentists & needles combined, & don't get me started on dentist WITH needles) but bizarrely enough, considering the shower episode, we were still going to be there early. & therefore had time to stop for food, Which was the only time we spoke throughout the whole journey, well when I say 'spoke' it was only yes's & no's. Anyway we're still early ... Dammit
Sitting in the waiting is normally quite a pleasant experience because overtone is quite friendly & smiling, but today was like waiting for a death sentence & the news that embies 2 & 3 hadn't survived either. By the time we were shown to our private recuperation room, I had a change of heart & opted to stop being a dick & just hugged Libby. The healing power of a hug is the best drug ever #fact!
As usual the nurses were being very attentive, making sure we're ok & if we need anything
The I get asked the hardest question, do we want both embryos placing & if we decide to use both, we need to understand we're doubling the chance of success, & risking multiple births (& here's the punch line) doubling the risk of another ectopic pregnancy. I'm shit at making any kind of decision, let alone one of this kind of magnitude! Aaaaarghhhhh brain meltdown! To make it harder, Libby looked at me to answer. I knew that she had already chose what to do, but wanted me to say the words. So here's the dilemma: if we use one frostie & if fails, we'll always think 'what if we'd used two, it might have worked' & if we use both& we get hit with another ectopic, I'll be of the mindset 'what if we'd used one, would it have worked out ok?'
I chose both
And here they are. I've named one of them Tony (the tiger, from the Kellogg's Frosties cereal) & the other is yet to be named (answers on a postcard...)

Now I'm praying to a god that I don't believe in, failing that, will someone beat some positivity into me?
I'm now gonna step away from this blog for a couple of months, just until I know everything is ok with my wife & kid(s?) & I don't want to jinx things by announcing any pregnancy too early.
Also if it's not alright, well I'll face that bridge when we come to it

Thanks for reading & I'll be back soon
Paul

Not really a blog post, more of a public information broadcast

22nd March 2013
Thankfully, my mind has switched off from over analyzing every little detail, So I thought i'd do something productive with my time.
Here's some really good webpages for help & advice, or just somewhere to go to vent your spleen

Infertility Support UK: www.facebook.com/groups/125220884314261/
A lovely group of ladies who are all at various stages of treatment, I'm the only bloke there. But i've been made to feel very welcome

IVF Cause UK: www.facebook.com/IvfCause?fref=ts
Lots of good info posted most days. Moderated by the lovely Donna

Infertility Sucks: www.facebook.com/Infertility2012
Some really good questions asked & answered

IVF: www.facebook.com/pages/ivf/127102485433?fref=ts
A friendly community for people to share their experiences and problems with other members

IVF Divas: www.facebook.com/IVFDivas?fref=ts
3 girls at 3 stages of Infertility (Testing / IVF Treatment & IVF Survivor) representing the Infertile & TTC, community, campaigning for awareness, social sensitivity, equality and support.

Fertility Friends: www.fertilityfriends.co.uk

Care Fertility: www.carefertility.com/

I'll probably add more when I remember them

#24 Always look on the bright side of life.... You just have to find it first, & if you don't find it, Make your own

20th March 2013

I'm really struggling to find any positivity in our journey today, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake my doubts & fears, & the whole farse at work over the last few days really hasn't helped in the slightest.
In the end, I thought it wise to speak to my area union rep, (even though i'm not actually in the union) just for a bit of advice on what I should do & maybe weigh up the consequences of my actions if I didn't show up for work. Surprisingly he was really understanding, having actually been through it himself.
I explained my plan to sit down with my manager & explain what it means to me to be there & try & not lose my cool again, But he had a better plan & wanted to speak to my manager himself. The next thing I know is, the sound of raised voices & slamming doors (oops) I do know what was said, but I don't think I can go into too much detail just incase there is any of the powers that be within Royal Mail reading this.
Anyhoo, It's now sorted & I've got the day off, I just hope to a god that we don't need many more appointments.
So that's that problem solved I really need to stop being a sour face

Normally under any kind of normal circumstance i'd avoid watching any TV programming about babies & birth such as 'One Born Every Minute' on Channel4, But tonight the BBC are running a night of baby programs. Like an idiot I thought it might do me good to watch it. I assumed the happiness of people might rub off on me & improve my outlook on the subject. Did it work? ...NO! & i'm not surprised really, I have no idea why i thought that it would do.
I think I managed around half an hour before I had to turn off. I found myself getting angry & frustrated at the couples who were successful. But what really hit me hard, there was a girl who had gone for a scan & found no heartbeat, it turns out the baby had died at 11 week & her body didn't know she had miscarried. that hit me like a ton of bricks & then all I could think about was (our previous losses) Eggbert & Nemo. Time for a shower me thinks
Quite possibly the longest, most therapeutic shower of my life. I found myself repeating to myself  "I'm washing away my negativity" ....Yes I think I've finally lost the plot


21st March 2013

It appears my crazy shower idea has worked, I feel a bit more human today. & life seems a little TOO normal, but I'm not complaining

#23 I think i'm broken

19th March 2013

Oh what a truly fucking horrible day! (sorry for the bad language)
After yesterdays good news at the clinic, it seems like everything is crashing down around me.
Yesterday, I threatened to quit my job, because i was refused time off, but then thought things should have been alright because the embryo transfer is going to take place next week instead, but it now turns out i'm probably not going to get that day off either. & from what i can gather, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
"There is no automatic right to time off for fertility treatment but time off for medical appointments related to fertility should be treated in the same way as any other medical appointment under your employer’s policy"  Because it's not me personally having the procedure done, I seemingly don't have a leg to stand on.
this has been constantly rattling around my head all day to the point that i've not been able to think about anything other than this & it's driving me crazy, I've made so many mistakes & delivered tons of mail to wrong address's (& if anyone complains I will not be held responsible for my actions) Now I just feel absolutely drained & void of any kind of enthusiasm. I'm now seriously considering quiting my job, because I don't believe Royal Mail is a company I want to work for anymore

I decided to phone CARE, just to check whether or not I need to be there, & it turns out I don't because I've already signed all the necessary consent forms. You think that'd make things clearer & i'd be happy to go to work. No chance, I feel just as shitty! Because I'm a hardcore pessimist misery guts, all I can think of now is, if anything goes wrong & I'm not there, I will hold myself & probably even my manager responsible. I need to be there for my own sanity. It's all messing with my head & it's freaking me out BIG TIME! I'm starting to wish everything would just stop

#22 Trying to think of a title is hard

March 4th 2013
We never thought for one minute we’d ever be eagerly anticipating the start of a monthly bleed, especially With the fact that endometriosis & irregular periods has pretty much meant a lot of unwanted bleeding & misery over the last 10+ years. 

As soon as her cycle starts, she can start the Climoval to prepare the lady bits for the FET (Frozen embryo transfer)

I appear to be in the doghouse right now. My band have got a last minute gig booked for around the time we'll be having the FET, & to add insult to injury, it's also on the day of Libby's birthday, As much as I hate pulling out of playing live (I've never done it...I leave that unprofessional people) I'm going to have to bow out, as much as music is my life, my wife & a chance of completing my family have priority over everything. Thankfully the lads are quite an understanding bunch & are going to do a stripped down performance without this balding noise addict hitting things at the back... so yeah my life has been spared & my marriage is saved

March 9th 2013
As luck would have it we've managed to get an appointment sorted at CARE for the Monday after Libby's birthday & i've been given the go ahead to make noise with the band, to save them from being unrehearsed & on the chaotic side, now it's going to be unrehearsed ... but great fun all the same

March 10th 2013

It's safe to say the combination of meds/endo/period, hasn't really agreed with Libby much this week. It's horrible seeing her in pain & unhappy, but you have to keep telling yourself it's all means to an end & it's what we want, no matter how horrible things get.

I wish more people would understand how painful & emotionally draining IVF & infertility in general is. & that it isn't just a quick fix solution to not being able to conceive. Once again i've had the 'if the ivf doesn't work, it'll happen naturally in it's own time' Yes this might be the case for some people, but not for us, we can't conceive for medical reasons. 
Also, this last week or so that things have been up in the air with the band, i've ended up losing my temper with someone I used to consider a close friend. He was due to help out for the gig i wasn't going to do, but now because I am doing it, he was felt the need to have a pathetic dig at me, for inconveniencing him & wasted his Thursday night because he had to rehearse when it wasn't required.
Well i'm so sorry that my future is less important that your couple of hours on a thursday night.
The reason i wasn't going to do it was my wife might need to take it easy & be stress free, because she could be carrying my freshly implanted child. So because we're not at the clinic until after the gig, I thought i'd be a good mate & help out by doing what mates do. Only to be vilified ...Gee thanks!

March 17th 2013I did the gig last night & it was awesome, the best yet. but my 'mate' who caused the previous rant, STILL doesn't get it & felt the need to have another dig, but this time for losing my temper. One upon a time he's have admitted he was wrong an apologise, strange how people change isn't it.
It seems to me people who don't understand or are ignorant towards IVF & the baggage that comes with it, are the people who don't seem to have a problem having children?

March 18th 2013
Today is a day of firsts, We set off early & we're actually half an hour early for an appointment. Shame that it was in vein, for the first time ever we have been kept waiting 45 minutes to see the nurse. DAMMIT! Typical huh? #note to self...Don't be organised, chaos is much better
Libby is not happy about the fact that the need to take blood as well as being probed in places that most people wouldn't be probed if they had the choice.
It's seems seems that the meds have had the desired effect & it's looking good, but it also looks like it's had a undesired effect too... the return of the ovarian cyst, but this time it's roughly 1cm bigger than before, which could explain a lot of the pain that Libby has been getting.
So now we're just waiting to find out what the blood results have to say & I'm just hoping this cyst doesn't delay things again. If not we could be looking at later this week for the transfer.

On a very rare occasion public transport hasn't let me down (another 1st) I was back home for 10.30, If i'd have known I'd have been back this early I could have still gone to work after all, so I thought i'd do the right thing & call in to see if there was anything i could help out with, & also inform my manager that i may need another day off this week.
I've previously mentioned how good she's been with me needing time off, so i was actually expecting the same treatment. but NO, not this time, I was told there was no chance at all, because there was no one to cover & then made to feel guilty for needing time off. The problem is I don't have an option, I have to be there, or the procedure won't go ahead, & that's clinic policy. 
But I'm told there is an option & it involve's jeopardising my long term happiness & going to work. SOOOO, I told her, that this is more important than any job & if it come's to it, I will quit my job & walk out. I can always find other work, The way i see it is, I work to live, not live to work

We should hear in the next 40 minutes what the blood results are, & also find out whether or not in need to start looking for anther job


.....& the results are in!
It's looking like I don't need to quit my job just yet. The embryologist will defrost the embies on Monday 25th & we're booked in for 13.30 

AWESOME!!!!!!!