I originally started writing this at 3am while sat sucking on ice, because my mouth felt like i'd been chewing on a brick, I really ought to see someone about my teeth grinding. but who, seeing as I hate dentists with a passion. But anyway, I deleted what I started because it didn't make a great deal of sense.
Also, a lot of it was composed on my phone while sat on a bus, so I can imagine that it's still doesn't make much sense. I'm also in a better mood than I have been all day, so you may notice, most of what I've written is a bit doom & gloom, interspersed with silly bits (I'm not manic/depressive or anything)
It's fair to say our journey has been full of ups & downs throughout, & today alone we've relived them all.
I don't think either of us got a great deal of sleep last night, I'm not entirely sure if it's down to excitement or nervousness. Which ever it was, it already set my day off on a downer... It doesn't take much, believe me. All I can say is thank The Lord for caffeine!
Being a glass half empty kinda guy & always expecting the worse. I'd been dreading the call from the clinic all morning, the call that should say "the embryo has thawed ok, come & have it stuck in ya" (maybe it'd be worded better with them being professionals & all that) But I had a feeling this wasn't going to be the case at all, & when the call came in at 11.30, my suspicions were confirmed. The thaw was unsuccessful. To say I was gutted would be an understatement.
Me, being me, I stormed off & decided not to acknowledge it & continue cleaning the kitchen.
(yeah, you read that right, I am a man that cleans the house)
The embryologist wanted to thaw both the remaining just to improve the chances of survival. But that news really didn't do anything to improve my mood, I was already set to strike this part of the journey off as just another failure.
What's the best thing to do when your fast approaching the time to leave the house to go to the clinic? Take off your clothes & get in the shower. As I've previously stated in older posts that we're masters at cutting things fine, we don't do early (or at least not very often) & we seem to thrive on the chaos of trying to get their on time.
The whole journey to the clinic was a long silent one, I couldn't even make the effort to get angry at Bruno Mars on the radio (I hate Bruno Mars more than I hate dentists & needles combined, & don't get me started on dentist WITH needles) but bizarrely enough, considering the shower episode, we were still going to be there early. & therefore had time to stop for food, Which was the only time we spoke throughout the whole journey, well when I say 'spoke' it was only yes's & no's. Anyway we're still early ... Dammit
Sitting in the waiting is normally quite a pleasant experience because overtone is quite friendly & smiling, but today was like waiting for a death sentence & the news that embies 2 & 3 hadn't survived either. By the time we were shown to our private recuperation room, I had a change of heart & opted to stop being a dick & just hugged Libby. The healing power of a hug is the best drug ever #fact!
As usual the nurses were being very attentive, making sure we're ok & if we need anything
The I get asked the hardest question, do we want both embryos placing & if we decide to use both, we need to understand we're doubling the chance of success, & risking multiple births (& here's the punch line) doubling the risk of another ectopic pregnancy. I'm shit at making any kind of decision, let alone one of this kind of magnitude! Aaaaarghhhhh brain meltdown! To make it harder, Libby looked at me to answer. I knew that she had already chose what to do, but wanted me to say the words. So here's the dilemma: if we use one frostie & if fails, we'll always think 'what if we'd used two, it might have worked' & if we use both& we get hit with another ectopic, I'll be of the mindset 'what if we'd used one, would it have worked out ok?'
I chose both
And here they are. I've named one of them Tony (the tiger, from the Kellogg's Frosties cereal) & the other is yet to be named (answers on a postcard...)
Now I'm praying to a god that I don't believe in, failing that, will someone beat some positivity into me?
I'm now gonna step away from this blog for a couple of months, just until I know everything is ok with my wife & kid(s?) & I don't want to jinx things by announcing any pregnancy too early.
Also if it's not alright, well I'll face that bridge when we come to it
Thanks for reading & I'll be back soon
Paul
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