03/11/2012
Since we've had the positive pregnancy test on Monday, I think i've become even more worried, than I have at any point up to this. Every little pain & ache Libby has, I automatically assume the worst is happening. I'm trying to remain as positive as I can about it all, But something keeps eating away at me. I'm absolutely scared to death of history repeating itself.
It's been just over two years since we lost 'Eggburt' (that's the pet name we gave to our unborn child) & it still feels pretty raw to this day. I dread to think what another miscarriage would do to us.Hopefully we'll never get to find out. no one should ever have to endure it. It was hard on me, I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life. The worst thing about it for me was seeing it almost physically & mentally destroy Libby and not be able to do anything about it. I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I rarely remember my dreams, but I'm fairly sure I know what I'm dreaming about, I seem to be grinding my teeth more & more, to the point of agony. This next clinic appointment & scan cannot come quick enough to put our minds at rest.
My Mum passed away 18 years ago. & right now I never missed her more. I really need that one person you can always rely on to say the right thing to put your mind at ease or just to listen to what you have to say & not pass judgement or anything like that. It doesn't help that I don't have a grave or anything to go & visit to vent my spleen. Instead she's still 'sat' in an urn in my dads flat gathering dust. I just wish we could spread them somewhere special, somewhere where we could visit when we need to be close to our mother. but i have a feeling that'll not happen anytime soon
Sorry to go on & on about death & misery, It's just how i'm feeling. Positive by day, bitterly negative by night
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