20th March 2013
I'm really struggling to find any positivity in our journey today, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake my doubts & fears, & the whole farse at work over the last few days really hasn't helped in the slightest.
In the end, I thought it wise to speak to my area union rep, (even though i'm not actually in the union) just for a bit of advice on what I should do & maybe weigh up the consequences of my actions if I didn't show up for work. Surprisingly he was really understanding, having actually been through it himself.
I explained my plan to sit down with my manager & explain what it means to me to be there & try & not lose my cool again, But he had a better plan & wanted to speak to my manager himself. The next thing I know is, the sound of raised voices & slamming doors (oops) I do know what was said, but I don't think I can go into too much detail just incase there is any of the powers that be within Royal Mail reading this.
Anyhoo, It's now sorted & I've got the day off, I just hope to a god that we don't need many more appointments.
So that's that problem solved I really need to stop being a sour face
Normally under any kind of normal circumstance i'd avoid watching any TV programming about babies & birth such as 'One Born Every Minute' on Channel4, But tonight the BBC are running a night of baby programs. Like an idiot I thought it might do me good to watch it. I assumed the happiness of people might rub off on me & improve my outlook on the subject. Did it work? ...NO! & i'm not surprised really, I have no idea why i thought that it would do.
I think I managed around half an hour before I had to turn off. I found myself getting angry & frustrated at the couples who were successful. But what really hit me hard, there was a girl who had gone for a scan & found no heartbeat, it turns out the baby had died at 11 week & her body didn't know she had miscarried. that hit me like a ton of bricks & then all I could think about was (our previous losses) Eggbert & Nemo. Time for a shower me thinks
Quite possibly the longest, most therapeutic shower of my life. I found myself repeating to myself "I'm washing away my negativity" ....Yes I think I've finally lost the plot
21st March 2013
It appears my crazy shower idea has worked, I feel a bit more human today. & life seems a little TOO normal, but I'm not complaining
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
#23 I think i'm broken
19th March 2013
Oh what a truly fucking horrible day! (sorry for the bad language)
After yesterdays good news at the clinic, it seems like everything is crashing down around me.
Yesterday, I threatened to quit my job, because i was refused time off, but then thought things should have been alright because the embryo transfer is going to take place next week instead, but it now turns out i'm probably not going to get that day off either. & from what i can gather, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
"There is no automatic right to time off for fertility treatment but time off for medical appointments related to fertility should be treated in the same way as any other medical appointment under your employer’s policy" Because it's not me personally having the procedure done, I seemingly don't have a leg to stand on.
this has been constantly rattling around my head all day to the point that i've not been able to think about anything other than this & it's driving me crazy, I've made so many mistakes & delivered tons of mail to wrong address's (& if anyone complains I will not be held responsible for my actions) Now I just feel absolutely drained & void of any kind of enthusiasm. I'm now seriously considering quiting my job, because I don't believe Royal Mail is a company I want to work for anymore
I decided to phone CARE, just to check whether or not I need to be there, & it turns out I don't because I've already signed all the necessary consent forms. You think that'd make things clearer & i'd be happy to go to work. No chance, I feel just as shitty! Because I'm a hardcore pessimist misery guts, all I can think of now is, if anything goes wrong & I'm not there, I will hold myself & probably even my manager responsible. I need to be there for my own sanity. It's all messing with my head & it's freaking me out BIG TIME! I'm starting to wish everything would just stop
Oh what a truly fucking horrible day! (sorry for the bad language)
After yesterdays good news at the clinic, it seems like everything is crashing down around me.
Yesterday, I threatened to quit my job, because i was refused time off, but then thought things should have been alright because the embryo transfer is going to take place next week instead, but it now turns out i'm probably not going to get that day off either. & from what i can gather, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
"There is no automatic right to time off for fertility treatment but time off for medical appointments related to fertility should be treated in the same way as any other medical appointment under your employer’s policy" Because it's not me personally having the procedure done, I seemingly don't have a leg to stand on.
this has been constantly rattling around my head all day to the point that i've not been able to think about anything other than this & it's driving me crazy, I've made so many mistakes & delivered tons of mail to wrong address's (& if anyone complains I will not be held responsible for my actions) Now I just feel absolutely drained & void of any kind of enthusiasm. I'm now seriously considering quiting my job, because I don't believe Royal Mail is a company I want to work for anymore
I decided to phone CARE, just to check whether or not I need to be there, & it turns out I don't because I've already signed all the necessary consent forms. You think that'd make things clearer & i'd be happy to go to work. No chance, I feel just as shitty! Because I'm a hardcore pessimist misery guts, all I can think of now is, if anything goes wrong & I'm not there, I will hold myself & probably even my manager responsible. I need to be there for my own sanity. It's all messing with my head & it's freaking me out BIG TIME! I'm starting to wish everything would just stop
Monday, 18 March 2013
#22 Trying to think of a title is hard
March 4th 2013
We never thought for one minute we’d ever be eagerly anticipating the start of a monthly bleed, especially With the fact that endometriosis & irregular periods has pretty much meant a lot of unwanted bleeding & misery over the last 10+ years.
We never thought for one minute we’d ever be eagerly anticipating the start of a monthly bleed, especially With the fact that endometriosis & irregular periods has pretty much meant a lot of unwanted bleeding & misery over the last 10+ years.
As soon as her cycle starts, she can start the Climoval to prepare the lady bits for the FET (Frozen embryo transfer)
March 9th 2013
As luck would have it we've managed to get an appointment sorted at CARE for the Monday after Libby's birthday & i've been given the go ahead to make noise with the band, to save them from being unrehearsed & on the chaotic side, now it's going to be unrehearsed ... but great fun all the same
As luck would have it we've managed to get an appointment sorted at CARE for the Monday after Libby's birthday & i've been given the go ahead to make noise with the band, to save them from being unrehearsed & on the chaotic side, now it's going to be unrehearsed ... but great fun all the same
March 10th 2013
It's safe to say the combination of meds/endo/period, hasn't really agreed with Libby much this week. It's horrible seeing her in pain & unhappy, but you have to keep telling yourself it's all means to an end & it's what we want, no matter how horrible things get.
I wish more people would understand how painful & emotionally draining IVF & infertility in general is. & that it isn't just a quick fix solution to not being able to conceive. Once again i've had the 'if the ivf doesn't work, it'll happen naturally in it's own time' Yes this might be the case for some people, but not for us, we can't conceive for medical reasons. Also, this last week or so that things have been up in the air with the band, i've ended up losing my temper with someone I used to consider a close friend. He was due to help out for the gig i wasn't going to do, but now because I am doing it, he was felt the need to have a pathetic dig at me, for inconveniencing him & wasted his Thursday night because he had to rehearse when it wasn't required.
Well i'm so sorry that my future is less important that your couple of hours on a thursday night.
The reason i wasn't going to do it was my wife might need to take it easy & be stress free, because she could be carrying my freshly implanted child. So because we're not at the clinic until after the gig, I thought i'd be a good mate & help out by doing what mates do. Only to be vilified ...Gee thanks!
March 17th 2013I did the gig last night & it was awesome, the best yet. but my 'mate' who caused the previous rant, STILL doesn't get it & felt the need to have another dig, but this time for losing my temper. One upon a time he's have admitted he was wrong an apologise, strange how people change isn't it.
It seems to me people who don't understand or are ignorant towards IVF & the baggage that comes with it, are the people who don't seem to have a problem having children?
March 18th 2013
Today is a day of firsts, We set off early & we're actually half an hour early for an appointment. Shame that it was in vein, for the first time ever we have been kept waiting 45 minutes to see the nurse. DAMMIT! Typical huh? #note to self...Don't be organised, chaos is much better
Libby is not happy about the fact that the need to take blood as well as being probed in places that most people wouldn't be probed if they had the choice.
It's seems seems that the meds have had the desired effect & it's looking good, but it also looks like it's had a undesired effect too... the return of the ovarian cyst, but this time it's roughly 1cm bigger than before, which could explain a lot of the pain that Libby has been getting.
So now we're just waiting to find out what the blood results have to say & I'm just hoping this cyst doesn't delay things again. If not we could be looking at later this week for the transfer.
On a very rare occasion public transport hasn't let me down (another 1st) I was back home for 10.30, If i'd have known I'd have been back this early I could have still gone to work after all, so I thought i'd do the right thing & call in to see if there was anything i could help out with, & also inform my manager that i may need another day off this week.
I've previously mentioned how good she's been with me needing time off, so i was actually expecting the same treatment. but NO, not this time, I was told there was no chance at all, because there was no one to cover & then made to feel guilty for needing time off. The problem is I don't have an option, I have to be there, or the procedure won't go ahead, & that's clinic policy.
But I'm told there is an option & it involve's jeopardising my long term happiness & going to work. SOOOO, I told her, that this is more important than any job & if it come's to it, I will quit my job & walk out. I can always find other work, The way i see it is, I work to live, not live to work
We should hear in the next 40 minutes what the blood results are, & also find out whether or not in need to start looking for anther job
.....& the results are in!
It's looking like I don't need to quit my job just yet. The embryologist will defrost the embies on Monday 25th & we're booked in for 13.30
AWESOME!!!!!!!
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
#21 A bit of stuff & nonsense
25/02/2013
I'm finding it hard to keep up with writing this blog. Since the loss we suffered in November, I've tried my best to avoid thinking about IVF & everything associated with it, because the emotions attached a still so raw & I find avoiding issues is good for me, I know I shouldn't bottle things up but it's just how I work. As ive said many times 'I am just a typical everyday bloke' ...& this is how us men deal with stuff, right?
Recently it seems like i'm surrounded by it. Especially this week with the publication of the NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) Infertility guidlines & all thge forore surrounding them
Also daily TV show This Morning in the UK are running an Infertility awareness week. I must admit this is an excellent thing to happen, but it's also set the old grey matter back into action, & that's not such a good thing
Just looking through some of the comments on This Morning's Facebook page, & I'm faced with the reason why we need such a thing as National infertility awareness week. People need educating because they are clueless about infertility or for some reason are so against it,& it's really quite worrying. Lots of comments saying things like 'It's cos they're actively trying, if they just stopped trying, and only had sex when in the mood, they'd fall pregnant quite easily'
I've had people people say this kind of thing to me no end of this, & yeah, I kinda get that that might be the case for some people, But a lot of infertility issues that most people have are due to actual medical reasons.
I really wish it was as simple as stopping trying, In fact i'd give my right nut to have it that easy (Although, giving up my testicles for the purpose of having kids is kinda counter productive) I'm sure every single couple going through IVF could list the reasons why that argument is so unbelievably flawed
With us, having sex is rarely an option because wifey finds it agonizing due to endometriosis, & even if that wasn't the case theres the small matter of the under performing overies, & a fallopian tube that is none existant, which before was blocked
The thing is pro-creating is a lot harder than just having sex, if it happens without trying, then the people people are lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it)
There was one amazing reply to the post in question from a lady saying 'It's like saying if someone was disabled if they just relaxed and didn't try they could walk again' that brought a little smile to my face
There's also lots of people saying things like 'I do think its sad some people can't have children, but surely the more people conceive through treatments ect, means less homeless children being adopted and given the chance of a loving home? or 'IVF is wrong, Infertility is gods way of controlling the population, the world is overcrowded as it is'
But adoption isn't always a good solution, it can be sometimes a lengthy & stressful process, & in some cases quite expensive. The adopted kids can also come with a lot of issues which can be quite damaging to family life, believe me I've seen it.
Besides is it not enough that we are registered foster carers?
The funny thing is, all the negative comments come from people who, based on their personal Facebook profiles clearly already have children of their own & therefore have little or no actual experience of infertility, or ectopic/miscarriage
I really don't know why there is so much negativity & vitriol towards Infertility treatments, Would anyone care to try & explain it to me?
I've also come across a few cases of people who have been through IVF or an actual end product of it, That are ashamed of it. This really confuses me.
Its not the easiest thing to go through & it takes a lot of physical & emotional strength, I'm proud of the fact of what we've achieved in the last year the high's & even the lows that we've overcome, to the point that I want to sing it from the rooftops, & lot of this blog is me doing just that.
With our FET (frozen embryo transfer) fast approaching (about 3 weeks time) It's had me looking forward to the future & what it has instore for us. It got me thinking about if we can actually afford to raise a child in this day & age, where money is not all that easy to come by. So I've decided to take a step closer to becoming a 'responsible' adult. I've decided to give over with achieving nothing & earning very little in dead end jobs, So I've took my first step on the career ladder, I've applied for a deputy manager position with Royal Mail. I still won't be rolling in money, but it's certainly a step in the right direction
The downside to the closeness of our next chapter, is that i've had to do one thing i absolutely hate doing & that's pulling out of a show with my band on March 16th. but as much as I hate doing it, My lady deserves my undiveded attention. And i'll happily be a little slave boy for her. I'm determined to make this time around as stress free as humanly possible.
I'm not sure if I've brought up the subject of our (non-deliberate) bitterness towards friends, Family & even complete strangers who are successful at making babies. We don't try to push these people away or distance ourselves from them, but we have been doing just that, maybe subconsciously, I don't really know. But the reason we have been doing it is because it hurts so much to see people happy with their buns in the oven or little bundles of joy. It seems like we're being punished & it's horrible.
Last night I got one of the most heart warming messages from a good friend, saying that him & his partner are expecting their 1st child together (Both have kids from past relationships) He didn't want to start broadcasting it until he'd made sure we were comfortable with it, because he didn't want to rub salt into to our open wounds.
The fact that he'd thought that he had to do this (which he didn't) is the single nicest gesture I've received in a long long time, & for once we wish them all the luck in the world, & my god do they deserve it
In hindsight, Maybe this blog wasn't one of my better idea's, or perhaps I should have kept it anonymous. With the ever fast coming FET, it means that i'm going to have to either tell people far too early that it's worked, or be the barer of bad news to people who don't really know me. If it was anonymous at least it would be a bit more impersonal & easier to deal with.
But I have started, so I guess it's going to have to finish the story. I'm just not sure how to go about writing about the coming events, I don't want to tempt fate & I cerainly can't bare going through the same thing as last time & then have to feel like I have to write about it. I might not write anything for a few months just to get the 1st 3 month out of the way, then it should be plain sailing by that point. I really don't know what to do
I'm finding it hard to keep up with writing this blog. Since the loss we suffered in November, I've tried my best to avoid thinking about IVF & everything associated with it, because the emotions attached a still so raw & I find avoiding issues is good for me, I know I shouldn't bottle things up but it's just how I work. As ive said many times 'I am just a typical everyday bloke' ...& this is how us men deal with stuff, right?
Recently it seems like i'm surrounded by it. Especially this week with the publication of the NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) Infertility guidlines & all thge forore surrounding them
Also daily TV show This Morning in the UK are running an Infertility awareness week. I must admit this is an excellent thing to happen, but it's also set the old grey matter back into action, & that's not such a good thing
Just looking through some of the comments on This Morning's Facebook page, & I'm faced with the reason why we need such a thing as National infertility awareness week. People need educating because they are clueless about infertility or for some reason are so against it,& it's really quite worrying. Lots of comments saying things like 'It's cos they're actively trying, if they just stopped trying, and only had sex when in the mood, they'd fall pregnant quite easily'
I've had people people say this kind of thing to me no end of this, & yeah, I kinda get that that might be the case for some people, But a lot of infertility issues that most people have are due to actual medical reasons.
I really wish it was as simple as stopping trying, In fact i'd give my right nut to have it that easy (Although, giving up my testicles for the purpose of having kids is kinda counter productive) I'm sure every single couple going through IVF could list the reasons why that argument is so unbelievably flawed
With us, having sex is rarely an option because wifey finds it agonizing due to endometriosis, & even if that wasn't the case theres the small matter of the under performing overies, & a fallopian tube that is none existant, which before was blocked
The thing is pro-creating is a lot harder than just having sex, if it happens without trying, then the people people are lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it)
There was one amazing reply to the post in question from a lady saying 'It's like saying if someone was disabled if they just relaxed and didn't try they could walk again' that brought a little smile to my face
There's also lots of people saying things like 'I do think its sad some people can't have children, but surely the more people conceive through treatments ect, means less homeless children being adopted and given the chance of a loving home? or 'IVF is wrong, Infertility is gods way of controlling the population, the world is overcrowded as it is'
But adoption isn't always a good solution, it can be sometimes a lengthy & stressful process, & in some cases quite expensive. The adopted kids can also come with a lot of issues which can be quite damaging to family life, believe me I've seen it.
Besides is it not enough that we are registered foster carers?
The funny thing is, all the negative comments come from people who, based on their personal Facebook profiles clearly already have children of their own & therefore have little or no actual experience of infertility, or ectopic/miscarriage
I really don't know why there is so much negativity & vitriol towards Infertility treatments, Would anyone care to try & explain it to me?
I've also come across a few cases of people who have been through IVF or an actual end product of it, That are ashamed of it. This really confuses me.
Its not the easiest thing to go through & it takes a lot of physical & emotional strength, I'm proud of the fact of what we've achieved in the last year the high's & even the lows that we've overcome, to the point that I want to sing it from the rooftops, & lot of this blog is me doing just that.
With our FET (frozen embryo transfer) fast approaching (about 3 weeks time) It's had me looking forward to the future & what it has instore for us. It got me thinking about if we can actually afford to raise a child in this day & age, where money is not all that easy to come by. So I've decided to take a step closer to becoming a 'responsible' adult. I've decided to give over with achieving nothing & earning very little in dead end jobs, So I've took my first step on the career ladder, I've applied for a deputy manager position with Royal Mail. I still won't be rolling in money, but it's certainly a step in the right direction
The downside to the closeness of our next chapter, is that i've had to do one thing i absolutely hate doing & that's pulling out of a show with my band on March 16th. but as much as I hate doing it, My lady deserves my undiveded attention. And i'll happily be a little slave boy for her. I'm determined to make this time around as stress free as humanly possible.
I'm not sure if I've brought up the subject of our (non-deliberate) bitterness towards friends, Family & even complete strangers who are successful at making babies. We don't try to push these people away or distance ourselves from them, but we have been doing just that, maybe subconsciously, I don't really know. But the reason we have been doing it is because it hurts so much to see people happy with their buns in the oven or little bundles of joy. It seems like we're being punished & it's horrible.
Last night I got one of the most heart warming messages from a good friend, saying that him & his partner are expecting their 1st child together (Both have kids from past relationships) He didn't want to start broadcasting it until he'd made sure we were comfortable with it, because he didn't want to rub salt into to our open wounds.
The fact that he'd thought that he had to do this (which he didn't) is the single nicest gesture I've received in a long long time, & for once we wish them all the luck in the world, & my god do they deserve it
In hindsight, Maybe this blog wasn't one of my better idea's, or perhaps I should have kept it anonymous. With the ever fast coming FET, it means that i'm going to have to either tell people far too early that it's worked, or be the barer of bad news to people who don't really know me. If it was anonymous at least it would be a bit more impersonal & easier to deal with.
But I have started, so I guess it's going to have to finish the story. I'm just not sure how to go about writing about the coming events, I don't want to tempt fate & I cerainly can't bare going through the same thing as last time & then have to feel like I have to write about it. I might not write anything for a few months just to get the 1st 3 month out of the way, then it should be plain sailing by that point. I really don't know what to do
Friday, 25 January 2013
#20 Here we go again
07/01/2013
It's hard to believe its been nearly two months since I last posted anything, where has time gone?
First of all, happy new year to all of you. I hope Santa has treated you well?
I don't know if its the cantankerous old man within me, but I've never really been a fan of christmas. I find, that as a celebration it's kinda lost its way, but I shan't go into that (unless you want me to)
This year (I suppose that should be last year, what with it bring January) I've decided to try make the most of it & try to be a little less anti-Christmas, or antisocial as Libby will no doubt probably tell you.
But I'll tell you what, it bloody worked. Who'd have thought that spending quality time with loved ones & friends can serve well as a distraction from miniature disasters & major catastrophe's.
For any readers that haven't being reading this blog from day one (where have you been?) me & my wife of 5 years & partner for 17 years have recently undergone our first cycle of IVF, because my wife's internal lady parts are a bit crap, This cycle had some very positive results but unfortunately ended with an ectopic pregnancy back in November
09/01/2012
We were back at Rotherham general hospital yesterday for a follow up on the surgery that Libby had to undergo as part of removing the fallopian tube that 'Nemo' the embryo had decided to call home . We had hoped that it would be the end to the first chapter, so we could get on with the next, but annoyingly that wasn't the case at all.
We had always been led to believe that Libby had one fallopian tube that was blocked & serving no purpose, This tube could have been removed during the various medical procedures to find out what the problem is/was. This tube wasn't remove because it wasn't causing any harm.
So when we found out about the ectopic pregnancy, we assumed it was in the good tube & that was the one that was removed in the operation to remove the foetus & we have never been told anything that would make us think otherwise. Especially when you have medical professionals telling you that the procedure was a success despite the complications, the fetus & tube we're removed & it's now one less thing to go wrong in future attempts at procreating, however it can now never happen naturally. again making us think it was the good tube removed & the blocked one causing no harm.
So why during this appointment with the consultant, are we told that the ectopic was in the blocked tube & why is the good tube still in there? So when we're told it can't happen again, we find that to be nothing short of a lie or ridiculously misleading information. It can happen again.
This fills me with so much dread, I was only just getting used to the idea of starting the Ivf again & now i feel like ive been kicked in the bollocks. Not good
17/01/2013
Luckily we managed to get an appointment at CARE at short notice thanks to a cancellation. Talk about history repeating its self, almost every appointment, either me or Libby have been late or cut it fine, It's usually me though (always) this time both of us are late thanks to the snow, well, its due to other drivers not having a clue how to drive in the snow ...says me the non driver hehehe
It's horrible been late for appointments especially when you get the feeling all the staff are looking at you disapprovingly I thought I was being paranoid, but Libby felt the same too.
I was expecting a telling off from the nurse we had the appointment with, It's not one of the usual staff from our previous appointments, so wasn't sure what to expect, Luckily she was lovely, (But most of 'em have been)
She had clearly been swotting up on our files, She knew all of Libby's 'complex' medical history leading upto where we are know, the miscarriage, the ectopic, endometriosis & everything inbetween. The solution to all these problems was simple... ''We have got to get you pregnant'' ...well that's easy for you to say, I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to. You see my confidence isn't all that high at the minute, considering the information that we got from Rotherham Hospital. I'm pessimistic at best. thankfully the nurse who I cannot remember the name of, did a pretty good job of reassuring me. Yes the worst can happen again. but the chances are slim. As they say 'lightning never strikes the same place twice'
So anyway, we're giving one of our frozen embryo's a shot. which is good because Libby doesn't have to go through all the injections again. just some pills, (Climoval, to stop the ovaries form working ...I think) plus the Utogestan pessaries that she had to take vaginally during the end stages of the previous attempt (To thicken the womb lining so the embryo can implant itself into it)
The only downside now is waiting to start, the clinic prefer to wait for three menstrual cycles to pass after a failed attempt, so the body can get back to normal (or as normal as can be). So we're looking at mid march time .... this is going to be a long wait
25/01/2013
Ive done a fair bit of research on FET (frozen embryo transfer) & all the info i've found is really positive.
for instance frozen embryo's normally lead to health babies & the success rate is higher
The Independent
Huffington Post
NHS
www.fertilitystories.com/frozenembryo
It's hard to believe its been nearly two months since I last posted anything, where has time gone?
First of all, happy new year to all of you. I hope Santa has treated you well?
I don't know if its the cantankerous old man within me, but I've never really been a fan of christmas. I find, that as a celebration it's kinda lost its way, but I shan't go into that (unless you want me to)
This year (I suppose that should be last year, what with it bring January) I've decided to try make the most of it & try to be a little less anti-Christmas, or antisocial as Libby will no doubt probably tell you.
But I'll tell you what, it bloody worked. Who'd have thought that spending quality time with loved ones & friends can serve well as a distraction from miniature disasters & major catastrophe's.
For any readers that haven't being reading this blog from day one (where have you been?) me & my wife of 5 years & partner for 17 years have recently undergone our first cycle of IVF, because my wife's internal lady parts are a bit crap, This cycle had some very positive results but unfortunately ended with an ectopic pregnancy back in November
09/01/2012
We were back at Rotherham general hospital yesterday for a follow up on the surgery that Libby had to undergo as part of removing the fallopian tube that 'Nemo' the embryo had decided to call home . We had hoped that it would be the end to the first chapter, so we could get on with the next, but annoyingly that wasn't the case at all.
We had always been led to believe that Libby had one fallopian tube that was blocked & serving no purpose, This tube could have been removed during the various medical procedures to find out what the problem is/was. This tube wasn't remove because it wasn't causing any harm.
So when we found out about the ectopic pregnancy, we assumed it was in the good tube & that was the one that was removed in the operation to remove the foetus & we have never been told anything that would make us think otherwise. Especially when you have medical professionals telling you that the procedure was a success despite the complications, the fetus & tube we're removed & it's now one less thing to go wrong in future attempts at procreating, however it can now never happen naturally. again making us think it was the good tube removed & the blocked one causing no harm.
So why during this appointment with the consultant, are we told that the ectopic was in the blocked tube & why is the good tube still in there? So when we're told it can't happen again, we find that to be nothing short of a lie or ridiculously misleading information. It can happen again.
This fills me with so much dread, I was only just getting used to the idea of starting the Ivf again & now i feel like ive been kicked in the bollocks. Not good
17/01/2013
Luckily we managed to get an appointment at CARE at short notice thanks to a cancellation. Talk about history repeating its self, almost every appointment, either me or Libby have been late or cut it fine, It's usually me though (always) this time both of us are late thanks to the snow, well, its due to other drivers not having a clue how to drive in the snow ...says me the non driver hehehe
It's horrible been late for appointments especially when you get the feeling all the staff are looking at you disapprovingly I thought I was being paranoid, but Libby felt the same too.
I was expecting a telling off from the nurse we had the appointment with, It's not one of the usual staff from our previous appointments, so wasn't sure what to expect, Luckily she was lovely, (But most of 'em have been)
She had clearly been swotting up on our files, She knew all of Libby's 'complex' medical history leading upto where we are know, the miscarriage, the ectopic, endometriosis & everything inbetween. The solution to all these problems was simple... ''We have got to get you pregnant'' ...well that's easy for you to say, I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to. You see my confidence isn't all that high at the minute, considering the information that we got from Rotherham Hospital. I'm pessimistic at best. thankfully the nurse who I cannot remember the name of, did a pretty good job of reassuring me. Yes the worst can happen again. but the chances are slim. As they say 'lightning never strikes the same place twice'
So anyway, we're giving one of our frozen embryo's a shot. which is good because Libby doesn't have to go through all the injections again. just some pills, (Climoval, to stop the ovaries form working ...I think) plus the Utogestan pessaries that she had to take vaginally during the end stages of the previous attempt (To thicken the womb lining so the embryo can implant itself into it)
The only downside now is waiting to start, the clinic prefer to wait for three menstrual cycles to pass after a failed attempt, so the body can get back to normal (or as normal as can be). So we're looking at mid march time .... this is going to be a long wait
25/01/2013
Ive done a fair bit of research on FET (frozen embryo transfer) & all the info i've found is really positive.
for instance frozen embryo's normally lead to health babies & the success rate is higher
The Independent
Huffington Post
NHS
www.fertilitystories.com/frozenembryo
Monday, 26 November 2012
#19 Ends & beginnings
I've started & deleted this post about 5 times now. I keep writing words but none of it seems to make sense or it just hurts to much to think about. I've also had to edit the finished product quite heavily because of personal nature, it got a bit too personal & a lot of it is still quite raw
15/11/2012
Started again
It feels so much better being back at home, I think I might have completely lost the plot if we'd have spent any more time in that hospital, It's just got too many bad memories attached to it & it's far from aestetically pleasing to look at
Apparently there was some complications in surgery, I'm glad I didn't know this at the time or the seemingly eternal wait for Libby to come back from theatre would have been a hell of a lot more agonising than it already was. The offending fallopian tube had become bound to part of the bowel, so it had to be separated gently for it was completely removed.
The wait was strange, I had to go to the Accident & Emergency dept to get my elbow checked & ended up in tears in front of the doctor, Luckily she was really understanding & was really comforting, having just started her forth IVF cycle, she knew pretty much what I was feeling (Or so she said, maybe she just said that to help calm me down) I spent some of it once again in the chapel, but left before the chaplain offered his unwanted godly views (No offense to any religious readers out there) The rest of the time I just sat in the window of cubicle staring out over a courtyard, where people go out to smoke, including expectant mothers, & that there is the ultimate kick in the teeth. Why should these people be allowed to have kids when people like us try our hardest & seemingly never get anywhere. More annoyingly, the hospital don't seem to do anything about it, even though they claim to have a no smoking anywhere on hospital grounds policy.
16/11/2012
This is horrible, I didn't think it was possible to feel so sad & drained of life. I keep trying to put a brave face on things, mainly for the sake of the people I deliver to, but then I feel guilty for smiling. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Normally self pitying people wind me up, but here I am contradicting myself.
I'm so glad I have band practice tonight, just for a few hours distraction & take my frustrations out on my drums, Probably not a wise decision with my elbow in the condition it's in, but needs must when the devil drives
18/11/2012
Why do people feel the need, to tell you how you should feel? when they don't really know anything about me, I'm sick & tired of people telling me I need to stay strong & supportive for Libby. I may be a typical bloke to a degree, but I'm not afraid to admit to having emotions & feelings. I can't pretend not to be absolutely devastated by the event of this last week, the last thing I need is being made to feel even worse than I already do, because I can't by the rock I should be for my wife. We're there for each other & that's what counts.
22/11/2012
Today is the first day i've felt anything like human again. I've not cried for a few days, I just wish I could say the same for Libby, she hasn't got the same distractions from reality as me, When I get in from work or band practice, I can see straight away she's struggling & it hurts to see it. I think she'll actually be glad to get back to work.
26/11/2012
One last addition before I finally get round to posting this.
It seems the dust has settled & the normality we've been craving is finally starting to show it's face, I know we still have a long way to go, there's still going to be emotional days, but they seem to be interspersed with good days, We've managed to get out & about to see friends & family for food & drink, & that in itself has been really healing.
As horrible this experience as been, I'm so thankful for the few positives to come out of it.
I've come to realise that the 6 week scan that took our dream away, saved my wife's life, If this had been a regular pregnancy where upon the scan wouldn't have been done until 12 week'. The embryo growing in the tube could have taken her life. She wasn't feeling the pains from ectopic pregnant because she's used to the cramps & sharp pains in her lady bits, because she's had endometriosis for so long, the pain was 'normal' to her. Also, now that the tube has been removed there is no chance of another etcopic pregnancy because the other tube is blocked & that's one less thing to go wrong.
Libby is back at Rotherham General Hospital for yet another blood test, because the beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels hadn't dropped quite enough, so hopefully the test tomorrow will be good news.
Both of us will hopefully making a trip back to the hospital to make an entry (our second) in the memory book. This is a book where all the would-have-been parents get to leave a little message or poem for their lost little angels. I dreading this to be honest, it was quite painful last time, but i'm so glad to have do it
We're still none the wiser as to what happens next, whether we will start a second live cycle or if the clinic will try to use our frozen embryo's. & we have no idea when we will be able to start again. If anyone can fill in the blanks, it'd be much appreciated
15/11/2012
Started again
It feels so much better being back at home, I think I might have completely lost the plot if we'd have spent any more time in that hospital, It's just got too many bad memories attached to it & it's far from aestetically pleasing to look at
Apparently there was some complications in surgery, I'm glad I didn't know this at the time or the seemingly eternal wait for Libby to come back from theatre would have been a hell of a lot more agonising than it already was. The offending fallopian tube had become bound to part of the bowel, so it had to be separated gently for it was completely removed.
The wait was strange, I had to go to the Accident & Emergency dept to get my elbow checked & ended up in tears in front of the doctor, Luckily she was really understanding & was really comforting, having just started her forth IVF cycle, she knew pretty much what I was feeling (Or so she said, maybe she just said that to help calm me down) I spent some of it once again in the chapel, but left before the chaplain offered his unwanted godly views (No offense to any religious readers out there) The rest of the time I just sat in the window of cubicle staring out over a courtyard, where people go out to smoke, including expectant mothers, & that there is the ultimate kick in the teeth. Why should these people be allowed to have kids when people like us try our hardest & seemingly never get anywhere. More annoyingly, the hospital don't seem to do anything about it, even though they claim to have a no smoking anywhere on hospital grounds policy.
16/11/2012
This is horrible, I didn't think it was possible to feel so sad & drained of life. I keep trying to put a brave face on things, mainly for the sake of the people I deliver to, but then I feel guilty for smiling. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Normally self pitying people wind me up, but here I am contradicting myself.
I'm so glad I have band practice tonight, just for a few hours distraction & take my frustrations out on my drums, Probably not a wise decision with my elbow in the condition it's in, but needs must when the devil drives
18/11/2012
Why do people feel the need, to tell you how you should feel? when they don't really know anything about me, I'm sick & tired of people telling me I need to stay strong & supportive for Libby. I may be a typical bloke to a degree, but I'm not afraid to admit to having emotions & feelings. I can't pretend not to be absolutely devastated by the event of this last week, the last thing I need is being made to feel even worse than I already do, because I can't by the rock I should be for my wife. We're there for each other & that's what counts.
22/11/2012
Today is the first day i've felt anything like human again. I've not cried for a few days, I just wish I could say the same for Libby, she hasn't got the same distractions from reality as me, When I get in from work or band practice, I can see straight away she's struggling & it hurts to see it. I think she'll actually be glad to get back to work.
26/11/2012
One last addition before I finally get round to posting this.
It seems the dust has settled & the normality we've been craving is finally starting to show it's face, I know we still have a long way to go, there's still going to be emotional days, but they seem to be interspersed with good days, We've managed to get out & about to see friends & family for food & drink, & that in itself has been really healing.
As horrible this experience as been, I'm so thankful for the few positives to come out of it.
I've come to realise that the 6 week scan that took our dream away, saved my wife's life, If this had been a regular pregnancy where upon the scan wouldn't have been done until 12 week'. The embryo growing in the tube could have taken her life. She wasn't feeling the pains from ectopic pregnant because she's used to the cramps & sharp pains in her lady bits, because she's had endometriosis for so long, the pain was 'normal' to her. Also, now that the tube has been removed there is no chance of another etcopic pregnancy because the other tube is blocked & that's one less thing to go wrong.
Libby is back at Rotherham General Hospital for yet another blood test, because the beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels hadn't dropped quite enough, so hopefully the test tomorrow will be good news.
Both of us will hopefully making a trip back to the hospital to make an entry (our second) in the memory book. This is a book where all the would-have-been parents get to leave a little message or poem for their lost little angels. I dreading this to be honest, it was quite painful last time, but i'm so glad to have do it
We're still none the wiser as to what happens next, whether we will start a second live cycle or if the clinic will try to use our frozen embryo's. & we have no idea when we will be able to start again. If anyone can fill in the blanks, it'd be much appreciated
Monday, 12 November 2012
#18 .My heart is broke, But I have some glue
04/11/2012
Whilst going through the various webpages where I normally share this blog, I came across something so hateful & bitter, it angered & upset me a lot. I am usually not all that easily offended, but this really hit me. www.facebook.com/story.php?korawalker>ivf
Then goes on to say
"I would never force this world on another human and those smart and selfless enough wouldn't either and adopt if they want parenthood so badly. It does effect my life, you people are ruining this planet and it's heart wrenching. Ivf is expensive and it's just a smack in the face to all the other millions of homeless children.You people are ignorant. Infertility is a blessing. Adopt, you selfish moos"
I don't know if this person is trolling & just out to upset people that are already in a delicate frame of mind. or if he/she actually believes the bile they're spewing. I'd really like to meet this person, just to see what makes them tick &/or give them a slap
08/11/2012
I'm currently sat in Rotherham's accident & emergency dept awaiting an Xray to see if I've dislocated my elbow after a fall at work. I'm so clumsy it's unbelievable!
I'm taking this as a good omen. the last time Libby was expecting, we had to come here because little eggburt had to leave us. So now Libby is pregnant again, It's my turn to be here, So Nemo will do just fine. Good logic eh?
09/11/2012
This day has taken so long to come. We have our six week scan & hopefully i'll get to see someone special
10/11/2012
Yesterday didn't quite go to plan. the scan didn't show anything in the womb, but high levels of the pregnancy hormones in the blood. So it's definitely there somewhere, just no idea where. The clinic thought it wise that
Libby should be admitted to hospital straight away, because of the high possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. They want to keep her under observation because of the complications associated with it. If the foetus is in the fallopian tubes. it will have to be terminated. There is a chance things will be ok, but it is very slim.
I don't know what to feel, it swings between anger & misery constantly, I want to cry, but can't
11/11/2012
I'm so frustrated right now, I don't have a clue what is happening, Libby is an emotional wreck, & all the doctors seem to be doing is assume. Another blood test has shown that he the hormone level has doubled again.
The doctor has suggested that the reason for the no show on the scan could be that it's twins & may have been too small to see on the scan, but it's more than most likely ectopic. so a scan has been book for the morning & hopefully if it is twins they should be more visible because of the hormone level being so high. & if it proves to be ectopic, it's looking like a trip into surgery to remove the foetus & he offending tube. On the plus side, if they remove the tube, it's one less thing to go wrong
I know this is a horrible things to say, but I think a miscarriage would have been easier to deal with, purely because is a definite end instead of being (unavoidably) dragged out
12/11/2012
Today we've had to say goodbye to someone so special, so wanted & so much needed. But they'll never get know any of this. We'll never get to meet our little Nemo, Hopefully one day we'll meet, along with Eggburt & we'll have our day in the sun.
Libby was taken into surgery this morning to remove the foetus. Its hit me so fucking hard i can't even begin to make sense of it all. I even wen't to the hospital chapel, I have no idea what I was expecting, inner peace the voice of god? all I got was angry & more upset. If there there is a god, I want to know why, why now, why us AGAIN???
Please don't be offended by this, but I'm not after sympathy of anything like that, I don't handle messages of sorry & stay strong or positive or whatever too well, I just need to time to get my head round things & hopefully dust myself off & carry on with life
Whilst going through the various webpages where I normally share this blog, I came across something so hateful & bitter, it angered & upset me a lot. I am usually not all that easily offended, but this really hit me. www.facebook.com/story.php?korawalker>ivf
"I find it highly offensive this shit (IVF) is allowed, and encouraged, to proceed when so many kids already exist who need homes, food, and medical care JUST so some mother fucker who is SO SELFISH he wants,and can PAY for, a worthless, "mini me". HOW SELF ABSORBED could a person be to believe HIS DNA is so stellar and superior the world can't do without his offspring?"
Then goes on to say
"I would never force this world on another human and those smart and selfless enough wouldn't either and adopt if they want parenthood so badly. It does effect my life, you people are ruining this planet and it's heart wrenching. Ivf is expensive and it's just a smack in the face to all the other millions of homeless children.You people are ignorant. Infertility is a blessing. Adopt, you selfish moos"
I don't know if this person is trolling & just out to upset people that are already in a delicate frame of mind. or if he/she actually believes the bile they're spewing. I'd really like to meet this person, just to see what makes them tick &/or give them a slap
08/11/2012
I'm currently sat in Rotherham's accident & emergency dept awaiting an Xray to see if I've dislocated my elbow after a fall at work. I'm so clumsy it's unbelievable!
I'm taking this as a good omen. the last time Libby was expecting, we had to come here because little eggburt had to leave us. So now Libby is pregnant again, It's my turn to be here, So Nemo will do just fine. Good logic eh?
09/11/2012
This day has taken so long to come. We have our six week scan & hopefully i'll get to see someone special
10/11/2012
Yesterday didn't quite go to plan. the scan didn't show anything in the womb, but high levels of the pregnancy hormones in the blood. So it's definitely there somewhere, just no idea where. The clinic thought it wise that
Libby should be admitted to hospital straight away, because of the high possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. They want to keep her under observation because of the complications associated with it. If the foetus is in the fallopian tubes. it will have to be terminated. There is a chance things will be ok, but it is very slim.
I don't know what to feel, it swings between anger & misery constantly, I want to cry, but can't
11/11/2012
I'm so frustrated right now, I don't have a clue what is happening, Libby is an emotional wreck, & all the doctors seem to be doing is assume. Another blood test has shown that he the hormone level has doubled again.
The doctor has suggested that the reason for the no show on the scan could be that it's twins & may have been too small to see on the scan, but it's more than most likely ectopic. so a scan has been book for the morning & hopefully if it is twins they should be more visible because of the hormone level being so high. & if it proves to be ectopic, it's looking like a trip into surgery to remove the foetus & he offending tube. On the plus side, if they remove the tube, it's one less thing to go wrong
I know this is a horrible things to say, but I think a miscarriage would have been easier to deal with, purely because is a definite end instead of being (unavoidably) dragged out
12/11/2012
Today we've had to say goodbye to someone so special, so wanted & so much needed. But they'll never get know any of this. We'll never get to meet our little Nemo, Hopefully one day we'll meet, along with Eggburt & we'll have our day in the sun.
Libby was taken into surgery this morning to remove the foetus. Its hit me so fucking hard i can't even begin to make sense of it all. I even wen't to the hospital chapel, I have no idea what I was expecting, inner peace the voice of god? all I got was angry & more upset. If there there is a god, I want to know why, why now, why us AGAIN???
I very nearly scrapped this whole blog today, I hoped something like this could never happen, but I suppose it's all part of the journey, no matter how much it hurts, & if it helps someone in the long run, then I suppose Ive achieved something
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