#35 A big fat full stop

Saturday13th March 2021

I'm not entirely sure why i'm writing this, or even if I actually want to. I certainly never thought i'd be revisiting this after all these years, But here I am.
I thought our infertility journey ended with the birth of our daughter Mia, turns out I was wrong. I now look at infertility as on ongoing war with many battles to fight, We just happened to get lucky with one particular fight. So we took our prize & went home. Safe in the knowledge that ignorance is bliss, The war simply didn't matter anymore, we stopped fighting.

I'm not 100% sure if the subject cropped up in previous blog posts, & I don't really want to go back & read through them. Because to be honest, I find them quite painful to read. Theresa log of bad memories there, & i don't really recognise the person the wrote it anymore.
But, anyway... Over the years, we've had another war to fight, whilst not strictly being connected to our infertility, it definitely went hand in hand. My good lady wife suffers with severe endometriosis, which has been often kept at bay by surgery every 18 months or so to cut out the affected tissue. If you're unfamiliar with Endometriosis, Click here for gory details, A lot of people assume its just like a bad period but in a nutshell It's a chronic, often debilitating illness that has left my wife in agony & ruined our sex life for the best part of the last 15 years or more, Libby once described it as being like being chewed to death from the stomach down by a fucking shark! 
Anyways, the surgery was getting less & less effective, so the specialists tried an abdominal ablation, where they inflate a balloon in the uterus & fill it with a hot liquid to burn away the uterine lining. 
The downside to this is that it seriously reduces the chance of getting  successfully carrying a baby full term after the procedure. There was very little chance of this happening anyway given our history. but even with IVF, it would be risky. Whist doing this procedure, they discovered that the endometrium had now spread to the bowels casing even more pain.
Well, it turns out the operation didn't work very well & the pain & bleeding returned a lot faster than usual. The next step would be an hysterectomy to remove the problem all together, because surgery after surgery after surgery isn't good for anyone, especially with diminishing results.

Op booked ....Covid says NO
Op rebooked ....Covid says NO! again
Op rebooked again .... Covid says NO!, hospital says Fuck you covid

Today the operation was carried out & just like that our war with infertility was over. IVF cant solve this one
The jury remains out on whether the war on endo is over, just because the womb is gone, doesn't mean the pain has gone.

We chose not the continue fighting our infertility with the birth of Mia, because of how much it destroyed our mental health, we said we couldn't put ourselves through the potential misery of what we'd previously been through. Even the possibility of another amazing son or daughter wasn't incentive enough. But above all we didn't want to put Mia though our struggles. 
So we put the past behind us & moved on, like i said. 'Ignorance is bliss' ...But now that the choice has been taken away altogether, and that full stop has been put on the end of the story, maybe burying our heads in the sand wasn't the best course of action & now we'll never know, That hurts more than I thought it would.

To add insult to injury, tomorrow is Mothers Day here in the UK, & my wife will be spending it in a hospital bed recovering & thanks to covid & its associated restrictions, she can't spend it with her daughter.

Monday 15th March 2021

The curse of the 2020s continues, Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, the surgery was carried out by keyhole & Libby could come home & spend the remainder of Mothers Day with us. 
Sadly it was short lived, today we spent a lot of time in Accident & Emergency, due to Libby having acute abdominal pains, temperature spikes, fitting, Blood pressure dropping & regularly falling unconscious. & shall be spending the night in another hospital bed & potentially missing her birthday tomorrow. JOY! 

#edit, she's currently in surgery to correct some unnoticed complications from the original op

I am however eternally thankful for this one, 7 years has passed by far too quickly

#33 Getting closer, closer than we think?

18th December 2013

Morning all, how you doing?

Its been a busy couple of weeks, finishing off decorating, playing my final gig of the year with my band 10Flaws Down (You should check us out, we're pretty good...shameless plug) Hospital appointments, christmas stuff & A quiet weekend away in York before the chaos of the festive season coupled with imminent childbirth take over everything

So yeah, We had our final sizing scan on Monday the nurse that did the scan was ace, so friendly & helpful, She managed to show us our baby's face & it's chubby little cheeks. But it wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture of its face, but got a good profile shot

Although our due date hasn't changed, because it's too late to do that. Wiggle is measuring in around 40week & because the growth has been constantly above average, It confirms our suspicion that weve had all along that Wiggle was a frosty (Frozen embryo) ... you know, the one that we got a negative test result result from (for those who don't know what happened #27 Another Chapter Closes / #29 An Unexpected twist) I'm now sooo glad we didn't take a re-test, because, not knowing made life a lot more simple & when dealing with infertility, simplicity is no bad thing.
I know it doesn't particularly mean anything whether its a natural conception or not, it really does not make the slightest difference, it won't be loved any more or any less. it's more about knowing that it's due to come earlier than we had been originally been led to believe, well that's if it doesn't come late
The unofficial due date is now December 27th, not the 25th as I originally assumed, because the frozen embryo was 2 days old when it was implanted
We're just playing the waiting game now, everything is ready, including us & thats the scary bit, well actually not, we still need to decide on names

From L to R
 11week, 13week, 20week, 32week & 36week
or by our dates
13week, 15week, 22week, 34week & 38week

#29 An Unexpected Twist

24/06/2013

I started this post off almost a month ago with absolutely no idea what to write, all i know is that the last two whole months have been sheer bliss, Normal sleep patterns, relatively stress & anxiety free living & it's about to become crashing to an end, as we approach the date that the wife becoming a pincushion for the second & final (?) time.
We're due to start treatment on the 27th of this month, but this morning, Libby started bleeding heavy a few days ahead of when it should have started, This is hardly surprising, more of an annoyance, because it could potentially stall our treatment for another month or maybe longer.
We called the clinic as a precaution & to find out what happens next, The have given us an appointment for tomorrow for a scan & a blood test to eliminate the possibility of another cyst or an endo bleed... YAY!!! the stress has started before the first needle breaks the skin

25/06/2013

I'm now on the second day of my week off, also the 2nd day i've got out of bed at 6am when i don't have to go to work...THIS SUCKS!
At least today it is through choice, I don't have to go to Libby's scan, but I have nothing like work in my way to stop me & i like to hear what's happening from the horses mouth. So i'm sat outside the clinic at 7.40am, 20 minutes before any of the staff get here, I'm wearing shorts & t shirt & it's not all that warm...I could/should still be in bed.
On the plus side, because we're the first to be seen, there's not much chance of the appointment been delayed.
So faster than you can say funky gibbon, libby is stripped from the waist down with nothing but a towel to keep her modesty intact. To be honest I wasn't expecting any surprises, just the usual, 'you have an ovarian cyst, roughly the size & shape of texas'
After a long pause, We got some VERY unexpected news Something along the lines of  "there is something there, you appear to be pregnant...Very pregnant" Que long confused silent pause
Me & Libby just looked at each other, not sure whether to laugh or cry. I'm still gobsmacked hours later
Apparently it's roughly 11 weeks, but can't be sure till we see a midwife for a proper scan, but here's the weird thing, there's a chance that this could be the result of out last IVF attempt which we tested as negative, ...that test was 11 weeks ago, There is also a slight chance that this could be natural, The nurse said the ivf drugs & mixture of hormones can sometimes kickstart the lady bits into working, Either way i'm not bothered, i'm quite possibly the happiest man alive right now. & I hope to a god that never changes.
The scan clearly shows a heartbeat & it wouldn't stay still long enough to take a picture.
In the tradition of giving things names (Eggburt, Nemo) we calling it Wiggle, although I prefer Cleetus the Foetus

#28 Chapter 3, the beginning of the end (ooooh sounds a bit sinister)

25/04/2013

Hi, me again. Although a little less stressed...for now. Welcome to the last chapter in this fucked up rollercoaster of a journey.
This will be our third & final funded cycle of IVF, & as there is no way on gods green earth we could afford to pay to continue the journey, this is where it will come to a definite end, so it had better work, or else... Or else what I have no idea. Who am I even threatening? God? myself? Libby? Mrs Smith at No42? Answers on a postcard to the usual address

"I can see clearly, now the rain has gone"

Sorry to quote the old Jimmy Cliff song, but it's kinda relevant to how the last attempt ended. I know this might sound strange (it does to me) but I felt strangely relieved when the FET (frozen embryo transfer) failed, it was like I could breath for the first time in weeks, & thinking straight was pure bliss.Don't get me wrong, I was truly gutted, but my head was so messed up, that it had overshadowed everything else.
I wish the clinic offer more in the way of psychological support, because I need it from time to time...well more often than not, Yes i'm unstable. There I said it.

I had convinced myself that that was the end, I couldn't put myself through the mental torture again, & worst of all I couldn't bare to see Libby bring reduced to another physical & emotional wreck again. Maybe I was just fooling myself because I want to be a father so bad, I want to make my wife, my angel the best & proudest mother on the planet.
It's so hard to just walk away from something that you want (need) so bad, even though it might never happen. I went to bed on that thought & woke up the next day with a newfound determination to give this our last & best shot. After all it's better to try & fail than to not try at all. But this time failure is not an option, I'm in it to win it. Positivity town ... Here I come!

Soooooo! We were back at the clinic today, & it was nothing much to write home about, not an entire waste of time.We're looking at starting again at the beginning of June with everything the same as the original fresh cycle, lots of drugs, needles & the complete breakdown of my wife. But we're going with that approach, because the result from that time round were beyond our expectations, with the exception of the fact that the embryo had to be removed in surgery.
We got talking about the ectopic pregnancy that ended our first cycle & something was mentioned that had never been mentioned before, or at least not mentioned in my presence. That libby has Pelvic inflammatory disease & this could cause another ectopic, but it can be controlled with drugs
So I did some research (never a good thing) & to my dismay, I found out it's actually could be the route cause of all of this. Weirdly we've bloods & other bodily fluids taken over the years & there has never been any sign of an STI whatsoever this just confuses my totally.
But whether that is that case & whether or not it is my fault, what's done is done & I can't let it cloud my will to make this cycle work

#26 Apologies without apologising

1st April 2013

Okay, at the end of my last post I said I wouldn't be posting anything for a while, but I simply cannot switch off from this journey, my mind has become IVF & everything that goes with it 24/7.
I  have a tendency to let my mind & my mouth runaway with themselves. But here's the problem, my mind is running wild & I'm jumping to a lot of conclusion which aren't always the right conclusions, & because I'm writing about a lot of things that tie in with the journey, these wrong conclusion are resulting in people (friends in particular) being offended or upset about what I'm saying. It seems I'm pushing people even further away.
But this is the weird thing, I'm not sorry. This how I feel.or what I felt at a specific time.
I wanted this blog to be a chronicle of every mindset I experience & the reactions that come with it, in a hope that I can try make sense of it all in an attempt to council myself through everything, I also hoped it might help someone else understand what comes with the whole process & the thoughts & feelings & conclusions that come with it (whether right or wrong)
Hopefully someone will see the errors of MY ways to recognize them & avoid them or make them better for themselves. I however haven't learnt anything & it's all become a bit of a mess, I have become consumed by it all & I'VE become a mess too.

Before, I used to bottle my feelings & emotions up and it would occasionally all bubble up to the surface & make a mess of things, but this time the same has happened, even though thought I've expressed how I feel.
This past Friday, I went out for what was intended to be a fun night out with my two sisters & a couple of mates. Well it started off as fun, but ended being alcohol fuelled  tear stained bout of anger & bitterness. I'm scared it's going to go wrong, I'm scared I'm losing my family & friends, I'm scared that if it fails it's going to end up ripping me & Libby apart. It's got to the point I'm scared to carry on. ...I'm broken
When we first started or journey, I wish the psychological side was explained as well as the physical side, maybe our choice to go ahead might have been different.  IVF & infertility is truly horrible, I wouldn't wish anything to do with infertility on my worst enemy
I wan't to switch off, I want to be happy again, even If just for 5 minutes, Is that too much to ask?

#25 Frosties ...... They're Grrrrrreat!

25th March 2013
I originally started writing this at 3am while sat sucking on ice, because my mouth felt like i'd been chewing on a brick, I really ought to see someone about my teeth grinding. but who, seeing as I hate dentists with a passion. But anyway, I deleted what I started because it didn't make a great deal of sense.
Also, a lot of it was composed on my phone while sat on a bus, so I can imagine that it's still doesn't make much sense. I'm also in a better mood than I have been all day, so you may notice, most of what I've written is a bit doom & gloom, interspersed with silly bits (I'm not manic/depressive or anything)

It's fair to say our journey has been full of ups & downs throughout, & today alone we've relived them all.
I don't think either of us got a great deal of sleep last night, I'm not entirely sure if it's down to excitement or nervousness. Which ever it was, it already set my day off on a downer... It doesn't take much, believe me. All I can say is thank The Lord for caffeine!
Being a glass half empty kinda guy & always expecting the worse. I'd been dreading the call from the clinic all morning, the call that should say "the embryo has thawed ok, come & have it stuck in ya" (maybe it'd be worded better with them being professionals & all that) But I had a feeling this wasn't going to be the case at all, & when the call came in at 11.30, my suspicions were confirmed. The thaw was unsuccessful. To say I was gutted would be an understatement.
Me, being me, I stormed off & decided not to acknowledge it & continue cleaning the kitchen.
(yeah, you read that right, I am a man that cleans the house)
The embryologist wanted to thaw both the remaining just to improve the chances of survival. But that news really didn't do anything to improve my mood, I was already set to strike this part of the journey off as just another failure.
What's the best thing to do when your fast approaching the time to leave the house to go to the clinic? Take off your clothes & get in the shower. As I've previously stated in older posts that we're masters at cutting things fine, we don't do early (or at least not very often) & we seem to thrive on the chaos of trying to get their on time.
The whole journey to the clinic was a long silent one, I couldn't even make the effort to get angry at Bruno Mars on the radio (I hate Bruno Mars more than I hate dentists & needles combined, & don't get me started on dentist WITH needles) but bizarrely enough, considering the shower episode, we were still going to be there early. & therefore had time to stop for food, Which was the only time we spoke throughout the whole journey, well when I say 'spoke' it was only yes's & no's. Anyway we're still early ... Dammit
Sitting in the waiting is normally quite a pleasant experience because overtone is quite friendly & smiling, but today was like waiting for a death sentence & the news that embies 2 & 3 hadn't survived either. By the time we were shown to our private recuperation room, I had a change of heart & opted to stop being a dick & just hugged Libby. The healing power of a hug is the best drug ever #fact!
As usual the nurses were being very attentive, making sure we're ok & if we need anything
The I get asked the hardest question, do we want both embryos placing & if we decide to use both, we need to understand we're doubling the chance of success, & risking multiple births (& here's the punch line) doubling the risk of another ectopic pregnancy. I'm shit at making any kind of decision, let alone one of this kind of magnitude! Aaaaarghhhhh brain meltdown! To make it harder, Libby looked at me to answer. I knew that she had already chose what to do, but wanted me to say the words. So here's the dilemma: if we use one frostie & if fails, we'll always think 'what if we'd used two, it might have worked' & if we use both& we get hit with another ectopic, I'll be of the mindset 'what if we'd used one, would it have worked out ok?'
I chose both
And here they are. I've named one of them Tony (the tiger, from the Kellogg's Frosties cereal) & the other is yet to be named (answers on a postcard...)

Now I'm praying to a god that I don't believe in, failing that, will someone beat some positivity into me?
I'm now gonna step away from this blog for a couple of months, just until I know everything is ok with my wife & kid(s?) & I don't want to jinx things by announcing any pregnancy too early.
Also if it's not alright, well I'll face that bridge when we come to it

Thanks for reading & I'll be back soon
Paul

#24 Always look on the bright side of life.... You just have to find it first, & if you don't find it, Make your own

20th March 2013

I'm really struggling to find any positivity in our journey today, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake my doubts & fears, & the whole farse at work over the last few days really hasn't helped in the slightest.
In the end, I thought it wise to speak to my area union rep, (even though i'm not actually in the union) just for a bit of advice on what I should do & maybe weigh up the consequences of my actions if I didn't show up for work. Surprisingly he was really understanding, having actually been through it himself.
I explained my plan to sit down with my manager & explain what it means to me to be there & try & not lose my cool again, But he had a better plan & wanted to speak to my manager himself. The next thing I know is, the sound of raised voices & slamming doors (oops) I do know what was said, but I don't think I can go into too much detail just incase there is any of the powers that be within Royal Mail reading this.
Anyhoo, It's now sorted & I've got the day off, I just hope to a god that we don't need many more appointments.
So that's that problem solved I really need to stop being a sour face

Normally under any kind of normal circumstance i'd avoid watching any TV programming about babies & birth such as 'One Born Every Minute' on Channel4, But tonight the BBC are running a night of baby programs. Like an idiot I thought it might do me good to watch it. I assumed the happiness of people might rub off on me & improve my outlook on the subject. Did it work? ...NO! & i'm not surprised really, I have no idea why i thought that it would do.
I think I managed around half an hour before I had to turn off. I found myself getting angry & frustrated at the couples who were successful. But what really hit me hard, there was a girl who had gone for a scan & found no heartbeat, it turns out the baby had died at 11 week & her body didn't know she had miscarried. that hit me like a ton of bricks & then all I could think about was (our previous losses) Eggbert & Nemo. Time for a shower me thinks
Quite possibly the longest, most therapeutic shower of my life. I found myself repeating to myself  "I'm washing away my negativity" ....Yes I think I've finally lost the plot


21st March 2013

It appears my crazy shower idea has worked, I feel a bit more human today. & life seems a little TOO normal, but I'm not complaining

#23 I think i'm broken

19th March 2013

Oh what a truly fucking horrible day! (sorry for the bad language)
After yesterdays good news at the clinic, it seems like everything is crashing down around me.
Yesterday, I threatened to quit my job, because i was refused time off, but then thought things should have been alright because the embryo transfer is going to take place next week instead, but it now turns out i'm probably not going to get that day off either. & from what i can gather, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
"There is no automatic right to time off for fertility treatment but time off for medical appointments related to fertility should be treated in the same way as any other medical appointment under your employer’s policy"  Because it's not me personally having the procedure done, I seemingly don't have a leg to stand on.
this has been constantly rattling around my head all day to the point that i've not been able to think about anything other than this & it's driving me crazy, I've made so many mistakes & delivered tons of mail to wrong address's (& if anyone complains I will not be held responsible for my actions) Now I just feel absolutely drained & void of any kind of enthusiasm. I'm now seriously considering quiting my job, because I don't believe Royal Mail is a company I want to work for anymore

I decided to phone CARE, just to check whether or not I need to be there, & it turns out I don't because I've already signed all the necessary consent forms. You think that'd make things clearer & i'd be happy to go to work. No chance, I feel just as shitty! Because I'm a hardcore pessimist misery guts, all I can think of now is, if anything goes wrong & I'm not there, I will hold myself & probably even my manager responsible. I need to be there for my own sanity. It's all messing with my head & it's freaking me out BIG TIME! I'm starting to wish everything would just stop

#22 Trying to think of a title is hard

March 4th 2013
We never thought for one minute we’d ever be eagerly anticipating the start of a monthly bleed, especially With the fact that endometriosis & irregular periods has pretty much meant a lot of unwanted bleeding & misery over the last 10+ years. 

As soon as her cycle starts, she can start the Climoval to prepare the lady bits for the FET (Frozen embryo transfer)

I appear to be in the doghouse right now. My band have got a last minute gig booked for around the time we'll be having the FET, & to add insult to injury, it's also on the day of Libby's birthday, As much as I hate pulling out of playing live (I've never done it...I leave that unprofessional people) I'm going to have to bow out, as much as music is my life, my wife & a chance of completing my family have priority over everything. Thankfully the lads are quite an understanding bunch & are going to do a stripped down performance without this balding noise addict hitting things at the back... so yeah my life has been spared & my marriage is saved

March 9th 2013
As luck would have it we've managed to get an appointment sorted at CARE for the Monday after Libby's birthday & i've been given the go ahead to make noise with the band, to save them from being unrehearsed & on the chaotic side, now it's going to be unrehearsed ... but great fun all the same

March 10th 2013

It's safe to say the combination of meds/endo/period, hasn't really agreed with Libby much this week. It's horrible seeing her in pain & unhappy, but you have to keep telling yourself it's all means to an end & it's what we want, no matter how horrible things get.

I wish more people would understand how painful & emotionally draining IVF & infertility in general is. & that it isn't just a quick fix solution to not being able to conceive. Once again i've had the 'if the ivf doesn't work, it'll happen naturally in it's own time' Yes this might be the case for some people, but not for us, we can't conceive for medical reasons. 
Also, this last week or so that things have been up in the air with the band, i've ended up losing my temper with someone I used to consider a close friend. He was due to help out for the gig i wasn't going to do, but now because I am doing it, he was felt the need to have a pathetic dig at me, for inconveniencing him & wasted his Thursday night because he had to rehearse when it wasn't required.
Well i'm so sorry that my future is less important that your couple of hours on a thursday night.
The reason i wasn't going to do it was my wife might need to take it easy & be stress free, because she could be carrying my freshly implanted child. So because we're not at the clinic until after the gig, I thought i'd be a good mate & help out by doing what mates do. Only to be vilified ...Gee thanks!

March 17th 2013I did the gig last night & it was awesome, the best yet. but my 'mate' who caused the previous rant, STILL doesn't get it & felt the need to have another dig, but this time for losing my temper. One upon a time he's have admitted he was wrong an apologise, strange how people change isn't it.
It seems to me people who don't understand or are ignorant towards IVF & the baggage that comes with it, are the people who don't seem to have a problem having children?

March 18th 2013
Today is a day of firsts, We set off early & we're actually half an hour early for an appointment. Shame that it was in vein, for the first time ever we have been kept waiting 45 minutes to see the nurse. DAMMIT! Typical huh? #note to self...Don't be organised, chaos is much better
Libby is not happy about the fact that the need to take blood as well as being probed in places that most people wouldn't be probed if they had the choice.
It's seems seems that the meds have had the desired effect & it's looking good, but it also looks like it's had a undesired effect too... the return of the ovarian cyst, but this time it's roughly 1cm bigger than before, which could explain a lot of the pain that Libby has been getting.
So now we're just waiting to find out what the blood results have to say & I'm just hoping this cyst doesn't delay things again. If not we could be looking at later this week for the transfer.

On a very rare occasion public transport hasn't let me down (another 1st) I was back home for 10.30, If i'd have known I'd have been back this early I could have still gone to work after all, so I thought i'd do the right thing & call in to see if there was anything i could help out with, & also inform my manager that i may need another day off this week.
I've previously mentioned how good she's been with me needing time off, so i was actually expecting the same treatment. but NO, not this time, I was told there was no chance at all, because there was no one to cover & then made to feel guilty for needing time off. The problem is I don't have an option, I have to be there, or the procedure won't go ahead, & that's clinic policy. 
But I'm told there is an option & it involve's jeopardising my long term happiness & going to work. SOOOO, I told her, that this is more important than any job & if it come's to it, I will quit my job & walk out. I can always find other work, The way i see it is, I work to live, not live to work

We should hear in the next 40 minutes what the blood results are, & also find out whether or not in need to start looking for anther job


.....& the results are in!
It's looking like I don't need to quit my job just yet. The embryologist will defrost the embies on Monday 25th & we're booked in for 13.30 

AWESOME!!!!!!!

#21 A bit of stuff & nonsense

25/02/2013

I'm finding it hard to keep up with writing this blog. Since the loss we suffered in November, I've tried my best to avoid thinking about IVF & everything associated with it, because the emotions attached a still so raw & I find avoiding issues is good for me, I know I shouldn't bottle things up but it's just how I work. As ive said many times 'I am just a typical everyday bloke' ...& this is how us men deal with stuff, right?
Recently it seems like i'm surrounded by it. Especially this week with the publication of the NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) Infertility guidlines & all thge forore surrounding them

Also daily TV show This Morning in the UK are running an Infertility awareness week. I must admit this is an excellent thing to happen, but it's also set the old grey matter back into action, & that's not such a good thing

Just looking through some of the comments on This Morning's Facebook page, & I'm faced with the reason why we need such a thing as National infertility awareness week. People need educating because they are clueless about infertility or for some reason are so against it,& it's really quite worrying. Lots of comments saying things like 'It's cos they're actively trying, if they just stopped trying, and only had sex when in the mood, they'd fall pregnant quite easily' 
I've had people people say this kind of thing to me no end of this, & yeah, I kinda get that that might be the case for some people, But a lot of infertility issues that most people have are due to actual medical reasons.
I really wish it was as simple as stopping trying, In fact i'd give my right nut to have it that easy (Although, giving up my testicles for the purpose of having kids is kinda counter productive) I'm sure every single couple going through IVF could list the reasons why that argument is so unbelievably flawed
With us, having sex is rarely an option because wifey finds it agonizing due to endometriosis, & even if that wasn't the case theres the small matter of the under performing overies, & a fallopian tube that is none existant, which before was blocked
The thing is pro-creating is a lot harder than just having sex, if it happens without trying, then the people people are lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it)
There was one amazing reply to the post in question from a lady saying 'It's like saying if someone was disabled if they just relaxed and didn't try they could walk again' that brought a little smile to my face

There's also lots of people saying things like 'I do think its sad some people can't have children, but surely the more people conceive through treatments ect, means less homeless children being adopted and given the chance of a loving home?  or  'IVF is wrong, Infertility is gods way of controlling the population, the world is overcrowded as it is'
But adoption isn't always a good solution, it can be sometimes a lengthy & stressful process, & in some cases quite expensive. The adopted kids can also come with a lot of issues which can be quite damaging to family life, believe me I've seen it.
Besides is it not enough that we are registered foster carers?
The funny thing is, all the negative comments come from people who, based on their personal Facebook profiles clearly already have children of their own & therefore have little or no actual experience of infertility, or ectopic/miscarriage
I really don't know why there is so much negativity & vitriol towards Infertility treatments, Would anyone care to try & explain it to me?

I've also come across a few cases of people who have been through IVF or an actual end product of it, That are ashamed of it. This really confuses me.
Its not the easiest thing to go through & it takes a lot of physical & emotional strength, I'm proud of the fact of what we've achieved in the last year the high's & even the lows that we've overcome, to the point that I want to sing it from the rooftops, & lot of this blog is me doing just that.



With our FET (frozen embryo transfer) fast approaching (about 3 weeks time) It's had me looking forward to the future & what it has instore for us. It got me thinking about if we can actually afford to raise a child in this day & age, where money is not all that easy to come by. So I've decided to take a step closer to becoming a 'responsible' adult. I've decided to give over with achieving nothing & earning very little in dead end jobs, So I've took my first step on the career ladder, I've applied for a deputy manager position with Royal Mail. I still won't be rolling in money, but it's certainly a step in the right direction



The downside to the closeness of our next chapter, is that i've had to do one thing i absolutely hate doing & that's pulling out of a show with my band on March 16th. but as much as I hate doing it, My lady deserves my undiveded attention. And i'll happily be a little slave boy for her. I'm determined to make this time around as stress free as humanly possible.



I'm not sure if I've brought up the subject of our (non-deliberate) bitterness towards friends, Family & even complete strangers who are successful at making babies. We don't try to push these people away or distance ourselves from them, but we have been doing just that, maybe subconsciously, I don't really know. But the reason we have been doing it is because it hurts so much to see people happy with their buns in the oven or little bundles of joy. It seems like we're being punished & it's horrible.
Last night I got one of the most heart warming messages from a good friend, saying that him & his partner are expecting their 1st child together (Both have kids from past relationships) He didn't want to start broadcasting it until he'd made sure we were comfortable with it, because he didn't want to rub salt into to our open wounds.
The fact that he'd thought that he had to do this (which he didn't) is the single nicest gesture I've received in a long long time, & for once we wish them all the luck in the world, & my god do they deserve it


In hindsight, Maybe this blog wasn't one of my better idea's, or perhaps I should have kept it anonymous. With the ever fast coming FET, it means that i'm going to have to either tell people far too early that it's worked, or be the barer of bad news to people who don't really know me. If it was anonymous at least it would be a bit more impersonal & easier to deal with.
But I have started, so I guess it's going to have to finish the story. I'm just not sure how to go about writing about the coming events, I don't want to tempt fate & I cerainly can't bare going through the same thing as last time & then have to feel like I have to write about it. I might not write anything for a few months just to get the 1st 3 month out of the way, then it should be plain sailing by that point. I really don't know what to do

#18 .My heart is broke, But I have some glue

04/11/2012

Whilst going through the various webpages where I normally share this blog, I came across something so hateful & bitter, it angered & upset me a lot. I am usually not all that easily offended, but this really hit me. www.facebook.com/story.php?korawalker>ivf

"I find it highly offensive this shit (IVF) is allowed, and encouraged, to proceed when so many kids already exist who need homes, food, and medical care JUST so some mother fucker who is SO SELFISH he wants,and can PAY for, a worthless, "mini me". HOW SELF ABSORBED could a person be to believe HIS DNA is so stellar and superior the world can't do without his offspring?"

Then goes on to say
"I would never force this world on another human and those smart and selfless enough wouldn't either and adopt if they want parenthood so badly. It does effect my life, you people are ruining this planet and it's heart wrenching. Ivf is expensive and it's just a smack in the face to all the other millions of homeless children.You people are ignorant. Infertility is a blessing. Adopt, you selfish moos"

I don't know if this person is trolling & just out to upset people that are already in a delicate frame of mind. or if he/she actually believes the bile they're spewing. I'd really like to meet this person, just to see what makes them tick &/or give them a slap

08/11/2012

I'm currently sat in Rotherham's accident & emergency dept awaiting an Xray to see if I've dislocated my elbow after a fall at work. I'm so clumsy it's unbelievable!
I'm taking this as a good omen. the last time Libby was expecting, we had to come here because little eggburt had to leave us. So now Libby is pregnant again, It's my turn to be here, So Nemo will do just fine. Good logic eh?

09/11/2012

This day has taken so long to come. We have our six week scan & hopefully i'll get to see someone special

10/11/2012

Yesterday didn't quite go to plan. the scan didn't show anything in the womb, but high levels of the pregnancy hormones in the blood. So it's definitely there somewhere, just no idea where. The clinic thought it wise that
Libby should be admitted to hospital straight away, because of the high possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. They want to keep her under observation because of the complications associated with it. If the foetus is in the fallopian tubes. it will have to be terminated. There is a chance things will be ok, but it is very slim.
I don't know what to feel, it swings between anger & misery constantly, I want to cry, but can't

11/11/2012

I'm so frustrated right now, I don't have a clue what is happening, Libby is an emotional wreck, & all the doctors seem to be doing is assume. Another blood test has shown that he the hormone level has doubled again.
The doctor has suggested that the reason for the no show on the scan could be that it's twins & may have been too small to see on the scan, but it's more than most likely ectopic. so a scan has been book for the morning & hopefully if it is twins they should be more visible because of the hormone level being so high. & if it proves to be ectopic, it's looking like a trip into surgery to remove the foetus & he offending tube. On the plus side, if they remove the tube, it's one less thing to go wrong
I know this is a horrible things to say, but I think a miscarriage would have been easier to deal with, purely because is a definite end instead of being (unavoidably) dragged out

12/11/2012

Today we've had to say goodbye to someone so special, so wanted & so much needed. But they'll never get know any of this. We'll never get to meet our little Nemo, Hopefully one day we'll meet, along with Eggburt & we'll have our day in the sun.
Libby was taken into surgery this morning to remove the foetus. Its hit me so fucking hard i can't even begin to make sense of it all. I even wen't to the hospital chapel,  I have no idea what I was expecting, inner peace the voice of god? all I got was angry & more upset. If there there is a god, I want to know why, why now, why us AGAIN???

I very nearly scrapped this whole blog today, I hoped something like this could never happen, but I suppose it's all part of the journey, no matter how much it hurts, & if it helps someone in the long run, then I suppose Ive achieved something

Please don't be offended by this, but I'm not after sympathy of anything like that, I don't handle messages of sorry & stay strong  or positive or whatever too well, I just need to time to get my head round things & hopefully dust myself off & carry on with life

#17 Needing a hug & a shoulder to cry on

03/11/2012

Since we've had the positive pregnancy test on Monday, I think i've become even more worried, than I have at any point up to this. Every little pain & ache Libby has, I automatically assume the worst is happening. I'm trying to remain as positive as I can about it all, But something keeps eating away at me. I'm absolutely scared to death of history repeating itself.
It's been just over two years since we lost 'Eggburt' (that's the pet name we gave to our unborn child) & it still feels pretty raw to this day. I dread to think what another miscarriage would do to us.Hopefully we'll never get to find out. no one should ever have to endure it. It was hard on me, I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life. The worst thing about it for me was seeing it almost physically & mentally destroy Libby and not be able to do anything about it. I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I rarely remember my dreams, but I'm fairly sure I know what I'm dreaming about, I seem to be grinding my teeth more & more, to the point of agony. This next clinic appointment & scan cannot come quick enough to put our minds at rest.

My Mum passed away 18 years ago. & right now I never missed her more. I really need that one person you can always rely on to say the right thing to put your mind at ease or just to listen to what you have to say & not pass judgement or anything like that. It doesn't help that I don't have a grave or anything to go & visit to vent my spleen. Instead she's still 'sat' in an urn in my dads flat gathering dust. I just wish we could spread them somewhere special, somewhere where we could visit when we need to be close to our mother. but i have a feeling that'll not happen anytime soon
Sorry to go on & on about death & misery, It's just how i'm feeling. Positive by day, bitterly negative by night

#16 The never ending emotional rollercoaster, This time i'm not complaining

28/10/2012

Coming to terms with our first cycle not working was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, the fact that we are still so far from the end of this journey has had quite a comforting effect on us both.

This morning we had to do a pregnancy test as directed by the clinic to confirm or deny what we thought was happening. There is almost an element of relief, knowing that there would then be a 'full stop' on this chapter of the story.
So here we go, One line for negative, two for positive. Well there's definitely one line, & after a minute or two, a second line appears, but only very faint. ...so what does that mean? Is it positive, was it positive before but now isn't?
Great! Now I'm just confused, so just bought another supposedly better rest to do in the morning to clear any confusion. Well it had better be a 'better' test, it cost me bloody £8

29/10/2012

6.30am on a Monday, the first day of my week off from work & I'm wide awake (dressed as spiderman... Don't ask) I didn't really sleep much last night, & what little sleep i did get, i think i spent that grinding my teeth because my mouth & teeth are so sore. it's hardly surprising considering the level of mixed emotion we're both experiencing.
Time to get down to business, & it's quite possibly the most nervous yet excited i've ever been.

....And the result is:
...Time to shit my pant in excitement & fear .

How & why we've actually gotten to this stage is beyond me. Less than a week ago we'd near enough given up & now we're 9 months away from potentially being parents.
Really need to call the clinic & find out what happens now.
The wait for the pregnancy hotline to open is far too long, but not stressful, for once i'm on cloud nine.


We're booked in for a scan on November the 9th, (Just over a weeks time) just to make sure the embryo/embryo's haven't settled in the fallopian tubes, because we're at a high risk of it being ectopic.& that could be disastrous.  We also will be having more regular scans than usual because of the miscarriage for suffered a couple of years ago.
But i'm trying not to think of the possible negative's. This is our time to shine, I can feel it

#15 Emotional rollercoaster? That's an understatement

17/10/2012
Having no actual means to update this blog other than a mobile phone is proving to be a nightmare (Note to self: win lottery & buy a new laptop or if that fails, get the other one repaired)

Things are going well so far, one of the embryo's that wasn't implanted has been frozen for future use. & having recently read a pretty interesting article on the BBC website about frozen Embies, appently te freezing & unfreezing process is good for the health of the baby & mother, so surely this is a good thing, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19468026
I wasn't initially overwhelmed by the fact that only one was frozen, considering that we had so many fertilized eggs, but we've been informed that this is quite normal, as they only usually freeze one or two,

19/10/2012
Well wasn't expecting that, The clinic have just phoned to let us know that they've frozen another two embies  , That 3 in the bank, Hopefully we'll never need them.
All the hallmarks of being pregnant are starting to show, Stomach cramps, sore & swollen boob's & being off certain foods. I know it's still to early to say, but surely that's a good sign. Even the dog is acting very strange. our Labrador Jess has suddenly switched from Daddys little girl to a mummys girl. She's keep cuddling up to libby & sniffing & occasionally licking her belly (that's just gross. I know). it's almost as if she knows that there is something in there. Spooky huh?

21/10.2012
So much for taking it easy & avoiding stress. Being foster parents we have the joys of unpredictable behaviour, the girl that we currently care for has been relatively well behaved & settled for a few months now, but things couldn't have changed at such a worse time. her attitude towards us has suddenly changed like the flip of a switch, Constant picking at us as though she's going out of her way to cause arguments.
To make things worse I've just snapped back at her, making the situation a hell of alot worse! Time for a meeting with social services I think. We need a little help

23/10/2012
I don't know if it's just coincidence, or a direct result of the last few days of stress, but Libby has started bleeding today & it's progressively got heavier & more painful as the day has gone on. It's safe to say all my new found optimism has gone out of the window. I'm so scared that this attempt has come to an end

24/10/2012
I had previously come to the conclusion that it really wasn't an issue if it didn't work, because everything up to now had had such brilliant results including 3 frozen embryos. But the realisation that this might have failed has hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. The clinic have said to stay positive, but that's easier said than done
I just feel numb & a little lost

Please note, I'm not fishing for sympathy here.

#14 So much to write about & no idea where to start

12/10/2012

We're not having a 13th post, because I don't want any bad luck

It's egg collection day & it's fair to say things are a little on the tense side. It really doesn't help when we Libby get's out of the shower & says "give me a shout at 7.10, 'cause we need to be setting off" Which is a fine plan indeed considering 7.10 was two minutes ago & i'm in the middle of making breakfast & still needing a shower myself. I don't think we've had a single appointment without some element of chaos. But in all honesty I believe we thrive on being disorganised, It's much more fun than that way (In this instance fun is pronounced ARGHHHH SHIT! ) Life would be boring if it was organised.
God knows how we managed it but we made it, mainly thanks to Libby's heavy right foot & it's loving relationship with a car's accelerator pedal.

Libby appears to have been making friends in my absence, which is kinda nice because she's not normally the most outgoing of people & on the plus side it makes it all a bit more 'normal'. Then to take the normality away, I found out this lady has spent a scary amount of money on treatment, more than a fifth of what we paid for our house. Just to clarify, I don't have a problem with the amount of money people spend on treatment, If I could afford it, i'd probably do the same, It just makes me wonder where you would draw the line? I just hope we never get to to such a position, because (to quote Mick Hucknall...yeah, sorry about that) "Money's too tight to mention"

Thankfully we're not sat in the waiting room too long otherwise I'd have probably said something stupid or offended somebody.  We both have our own little task to perform, so no time like the present to get on with it. Libby has drugs to take & I have to get intimate with a plastic cup. 
The last time I was in this situation, My (bad) sense of humour was going into overload, making me want to check in on facebook with something crude, But I was strong & resisted the urge, but this time, no chance, the temptation is too strong. As I was shown to my little room I was quite relieved that it was a new a new leather chair in there after last time, but I still kinda found it disturbing knowing that someone else had sat in it doing the bad thing.
 I was impressed that they had a different selection of 'mens interest magazines in the cupboard, but was instantly put of using them when I found a page stuck together, that's just uncalled for, I suppose I had better use my imagination. I read somewhere on an internet forum that there's a clinic in Nottingham that has a flat screen TV showing porn movies, Surely that has to be a better option than feeling like a 14 year old boy catching a quick look at their dad's secret stash of magazines. which i'm sure has probably happened to almost everyone. Aren't all dad's supposed to keep ancient porn mags under the wardrobe? not that I ever looked
By the time I'd got back to the recovery room Libby was already dosed up on Temazepam & half asleep, in the white hospital dressing gown she was told to wear, Which she wasn't happy, because it hadn't been washed with fabric softener & felt like cardboard. Typical Lib, Bless her

Much to my surprise, I was invited into the egg extraction, something like that doesn't happen in regular hospitals & clinics. Much more to my surprise, I did it, which is a really alien thing for me to do, I'm pretty squeamish for a bloke, & the idea of probes & sharp objects been inserted into someones nether-regions is quite repulsive to me. Luckily for the doctor & nurses, I couldn't actually see what was going on, otherwise they might have been attacked by my breakfast. I was quite happy to stand there & hold Libby's hand & talk nonsense to her, with the help of one of the nurses, about Ninja Turtles & cake. As usual I have to find something amusing in a situation like this, & today it came in the shape of a visiting doctor from Doncaster Royal Infirmary, who was there to be nosey at how other Hospitals do things, but I anyway, he looked like John Coffey from the film The Green Mile (the big black man)
The procedure didn't last long at all really, half hour altogether. & out of the ten usable follicles  they managed to extract nine eggs. To say i'm proud of my lady is an understatement!
So, what better way to end to appointment, than a spot of tea, biscuits & daytime TV while the people who know what they're doing get on with their thing. Lets get off to town for some dinner AND an extravagant purchase ... a new kettle (which needs to be returned 'cause it bloody leeks)
The tickets we had for the concert in Leeds didn't go to waste either, Libby didn't feel upto it, but didn't feels bad enough to need me around, I couldn't leave her alone, so I made our foster child babysit her.
For those who we're asking who I went to see, It was Terrorvision, I assume most of you are scratching your head & wondering 'who?' They had tons of top 40 hits in the 90's & i'll bet you know the most popular & frankly horrible song 'Tequila'

13/10/2012
I'm a bit half asleep this morning, had a massive shock to the system having to work my first saturday in months, 5am should not be allowed, especially after rocking out the night before.
but the phone call from the clinic makes it all worth while. First the bad news, two of the nine eggs weren't mature enough, but the good news is The other seven fertilised successfully, which is awesome.
Considering that we are nowhere near the finishing line, this is quite possibly the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. Thanks to my natural negativity, I never dreamed that we would ever achieve anything like this. These eggs are our lucky seven & I have a good feeling ...I might make a good optimist after all.
Now, it's a case of playing the waiting game for a day or two to see if the cells have multiplied enough to re-implant the eggs into the womb, Hopefully it'll be Monday, but more than most likely it'll be Wednesday.
Time to cross all appendages!

16/10/2012

Sorry this part of the post is going to be quite disjointed, my laptop had died, so i'm having to do it on the blogger mobile phone app, & it's harder to edit stuff using a phone keypad

It's fair to say, the last few days has been a bit of a rollercoaster, I'd pretty much given up on a Monday appointment after sat around waiting for the phone to ring. & when it did, it wasn't particularly the call I wanted, It was work asking me if there was any chance I could work. Because we'd still not had a call from the clinic I decided to earn a few extra pennies. Two minutes after I walked into work, Libby phoned to say the clinic had called & the wanted us at the clinic for 14.30. Bloody typical, considering i was due to finish my shift at 14.15. Thankfully my manager has been amazing throughout this process & let me finish at 12. If you're reading this Teresa, I owe you a huge favour.

Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two are classed as grade nine, which is really good, as they prefer to use eggs grade seven & over. two are borderline usable and the rest are still developing  But in the short space of time of the phone call & us arriving at the clinic, the two borderline embryo's have developed quite significantly, so hopefully the rest will be good enough to freeze for potential future use, We should find the results of that on Wednesday.

These are the two embryo's that are to be implanted, (& for all you science buffs, The one on the left has 8 cells & the right has 9) Weird looking things aren't they. It's even weirder to think that this is what human life starts off as. I was amazed when they asked if we wanted a picture of them. We've been  encouraged to talk to them, which is a little bit odd, but worth a shot, so we've named them Nemo & Dory (From Finding Nemo)
The implantation went by like a flash, It was just a case of using a speculum & a catheter into the uterus to implant the embryos. and thats that, no tea & recuperation today,
Now the hard work is done, it's completely in the hands of nature. Libby has to take it easy, no  heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise, & No sex (BOOOOOO!)
The no sex thing is going to kill me, Libby has a tablet she has to put right at the back of her lady bits & she cant do it, because her fingers aren't long enough to get to the back, so I'm stuck with the task twice a day. It's already proven to put a lot of strain on the trouser area. & I can't so a single thing about it. ARGHHHH!

I can see the next two weeks 'til we find out if its worked or not, being the longest two weeks EVER!
Thankfully I have quite a lot of stuff to be doing with my band(s) to keep me occupied including playing live this weekend, but the downside to that is that I won't let Libby come, because she always helps with the transport & moving stuff around, So I banned her from coming to remove the temptation.
She can sit at home & watch all the terrible soaps shes got on recorded on the sky box, even better for me 'cos then I don't have to endure them.

Im not a believer in a higher power, but prayers are more than welcome.