#35 A big fat full stop

Saturday13th March 2021

I'm not entirely sure why i'm writing this, or even if I actually want to. I certainly never thought i'd be revisiting this after all these years, But here I am.
I thought our infertility journey ended with the birth of our daughter Mia, turns out I was wrong. I now look at infertility as on ongoing war with many battles to fight, We just happened to get lucky with one particular fight. So we took our prize & went home. Safe in the knowledge that ignorance is bliss, The war simply didn't matter anymore, we stopped fighting.

I'm not 100% sure if the subject cropped up in previous blog posts, & I don't really want to go back & read through them. Because to be honest, I find them quite painful to read. Theresa log of bad memories there, & i don't really recognise the person the wrote it anymore.
But, anyway... Over the years, we've had another war to fight, whilst not strictly being connected to our infertility, it definitely went hand in hand. My good lady wife suffers with severe endometriosis, which has been often kept at bay by surgery every 18 months or so to cut out the affected tissue. If you're unfamiliar with Endometriosis, Click here for gory details, A lot of people assume its just like a bad period but in a nutshell It's a chronic, often debilitating illness that has left my wife in agony & ruined our sex life for the best part of the last 15 years or more, Libby once described it as being like being chewed to death from the stomach down by a fucking shark! 
Anyways, the surgery was getting less & less effective, so the specialists tried an abdominal ablation, where they inflate a balloon in the uterus & fill it with a hot liquid to burn away the uterine lining. 
The downside to this is that it seriously reduces the chance of getting  successfully carrying a baby full term after the procedure. There was very little chance of this happening anyway given our history. but even with IVF, it would be risky. Whist doing this procedure, they discovered that the endometrium had now spread to the bowels casing even more pain.
Well, it turns out the operation didn't work very well & the pain & bleeding returned a lot faster than usual. The next step would be an hysterectomy to remove the problem all together, because surgery after surgery after surgery isn't good for anyone, especially with diminishing results.

Op booked ....Covid says NO
Op rebooked ....Covid says NO! again
Op rebooked again .... Covid says NO!, hospital says Fuck you covid

Today the operation was carried out & just like that our war with infertility was over. IVF cant solve this one
The jury remains out on whether the war on endo is over, just because the womb is gone, doesn't mean the pain has gone.

We chose not the continue fighting our infertility with the birth of Mia, because of how much it destroyed our mental health, we said we couldn't put ourselves through the potential misery of what we'd previously been through. Even the possibility of another amazing son or daughter wasn't incentive enough. But above all we didn't want to put Mia though our struggles. 
So we put the past behind us & moved on, like i said. 'Ignorance is bliss' ...But now that the choice has been taken away altogether, and that full stop has been put on the end of the story, maybe burying our heads in the sand wasn't the best course of action & now we'll never know, That hurts more than I thought it would.

To add insult to injury, tomorrow is Mothers Day here in the UK, & my wife will be spending it in a hospital bed recovering & thanks to covid & its associated restrictions, she can't spend it with her daughter.

Monday 15th March 2021

The curse of the 2020s continues, Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, the surgery was carried out by keyhole & Libby could come home & spend the remainder of Mothers Day with us. 
Sadly it was short lived, today we spent a lot of time in Accident & Emergency, due to Libby having acute abdominal pains, temperature spikes, fitting, Blood pressure dropping & regularly falling unconscious. & shall be spending the night in another hospital bed & potentially missing her birthday tomorrow. JOY! 

#edit, she's currently in surgery to correct some unnoticed complications from the original op

I am however eternally thankful for this one, 7 years has passed by far too quickly

#34 Here's where the story ends

3rd February 2014
Little over two weeks ago, years of going through various tests, years of various medications, years of craving to be a parent, years of emptiness, doubt, misery & anger, finally came to an end.

Our final chapter begins roughly 12.20am, January 17th, We'd only been in bed about an hour when I was rudely waken with an elbow to the ribs & the words "Paul, I think my waters have broken" 

I don't really know what the standard reaction to this situation is. Do I jump out of bed & be an attentive caring husband? Nope, I told her to get some rest & I rolled over & started snoring again, completely oblivious to the puddle in our bed

Moments later, I get woken again, "paul, I've spoke to the hospital, my contractions have started & I haven't felt wiggle move since my waters went, they want us to get there ASAP" 

SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!  Headless chicken mode, out if bed, dressed & in the car in about two minutes flat. That must be some sort if world record 

Libby isn't a good passenger at the best of times, and that night was no exception, I lost count of how many times she told me about my speed. Surely I'm excused in this circumstance? The roads were clear & it was past midnight. Whether or not the police would have seen it that way, I don't know, but so glad I never got to find out

Here's a little tip for you, should you ever feel the need to visit Rotherham General hospital for whatever reason, and you don't have change to pay for the (excessive) parking fee's. Simply put a sign in the window of your car with the message  'PARTNER ON LABOUR WARD' We left our car for almost two full days, and I came back to find no parking fines or clamped wheels ... In your face parking wardens & greedy fat-cat hospital bosses

I've had quite a few over night stays in this hospital, thanks to Libby's 'love' of surgery & last minute panic visits, and normally it's not freezing, but you could hardly say its warm either. Tonight I thought it wise to put an extra layer of clothes on, y'know just to be on the safe side, which turns out to be a BIG mistake. The labour ward is actually hotter than hell. I reckon it's that warm you lose weight from sweating 

Thankfully it didn't take to long for us to be seen and get Libby hooked upto a heart monitor. The sound of that heartbeat is the single most soothing sound in the world, and literally within seconds of the monitor being switched on, normal wiggle service resumes, in the form of trying to kick its way out of the womb

Considering it was now the very early hours of the morning, it didn't take too long for our first visitor to arrive, Lib's sister was on nights (she's a nurse at the hospital) thought she'd pop in to have a laugh at us, but ended up not really talking to us, she recognised the midwife from her college days, 20 something years ago. weird huh? Not as weird as the the fact that the other midwife recognised me as her postman, even though I'm pretty sure I've never seen her before in my life. anyway, I digress...

The last 9month had passed (miraculously) without any serious mishap, but the next few hours made that seem like a distant dream. During the night, Wiggle's heart rate dropped to dangerous levels, but quickly recovered, The sound of the alarm & the speed in which the room flooded with doctors and midwives. although it was brief, it was still seriously shit-your-pants scary. After much examination, doctors were also concerned that the labour wasn't progressing quick enough, but have a plan involving drugs, a drug that speeds up the labour process but also makes it considerably more painful. Up until now (about 8 hours in) Libby had gone without any pain relief, but was strongly advised to consider something, as once the meds (Syntocinon) kicks in, it's going to become a little bit more of a bumpy ride... And they wasn't wrong! Libby was actually more upset that she felt she was letting me down by going for pain relief, lord knows how she drew that conclusion.
Gas & air really didn't do a great deal apart induce nausea & to be honest, I'm not at all impressed that I didn't even get to have go, i'd been looking forward to that for months!!!

As the syntosinon level is increased in gradual increments (under usual circumstance, i wouldn't say 'increment') the labour pains increase too, which I was finding rather hard to watch, but Libby being stubborn was still refusing to take the next step up to the epidural, but finally caved in after much persuasion from the midwife ... & two failed attempts later... 

With the contractions getting more intense, the midwife noticed Wiggle's heart rate started dropping again, but because the contractions were getting closer together, the heart wasn't given enough time to recover. 

So the panic button was pressed again & just like last time to room flooded with doctors & nurses. Only this time it was different, no examinations, just two words "THEATRE NOW!"

With the main delivery suite theatre occupied with someone giving birth to twins, we're getting a 1st class upgrade, To one of the main operating theatres! Aaaand, just to make you realise the severity of the situation, I overheard the doctor cancelling someone else's surgery, so we could get in & get the baby out. 

Moments later I'm in a lovely blue set of scrubs & heading for uncertainty, I had no idea what was instore, are we losing the baby? am I losing both of them? am I losing my mind? By this point I was crying like a girl, & to make matters worse, as I walked into the theatre, I found Libby layer out on the table, also crying like a girl (at least she's an pull it off better than me, y'know, actually being a girl)

Thankfully, I can't actually see what's happening, because I'm probably to damn squeamish for my own good. But on the flipside, I have a rather annoying bloke stood behind us, explaining in detail what  was happening, & what all the different sounds were. I understand he was trying to a job & keep is calm, but still, it was annoying. Anyway I must have zoned out & starting paying attention to the very limited view I had of the surgeons. 

It was weird, they were stood there, not particularly looking into the gaping wound in my wife's abdomin, it was almost like they were in the pub just having a chat, talking about last nights tv & something someone said. 

Even though we'd been been waiting what seemed like a lifetime for this moment, what happened next, I was a little unprepared for. The arrival of my newborn baby ...daughter? All the way through this pregnancy, Libby was convinced we were having a boy. I tried to stay neutral, but in the end I started to believe what she was saying. The first thing that came mind was "where's his bits?, hang on it isn't a boy" & when I told Libby it was a girl, she didn't believe me, & then we were both crying again, not that we ever actually stopped 

It didn't take long for them to stitch Libby up & get her back to the labour ward, where we could start the rest of our lives as a normal happy family.

And with that this journey draws to a close, thank for joining me on it, now there's only one thing left to say, meet miss Mia Elizabeth, welcome to the world 

#29 An Unexpected Twist

24/06/2013

I started this post off almost a month ago with absolutely no idea what to write, all i know is that the last two whole months have been sheer bliss, Normal sleep patterns, relatively stress & anxiety free living & it's about to become crashing to an end, as we approach the date that the wife becoming a pincushion for the second & final (?) time.
We're due to start treatment on the 27th of this month, but this morning, Libby started bleeding heavy a few days ahead of when it should have started, This is hardly surprising, more of an annoyance, because it could potentially stall our treatment for another month or maybe longer.
We called the clinic as a precaution & to find out what happens next, The have given us an appointment for tomorrow for a scan & a blood test to eliminate the possibility of another cyst or an endo bleed... YAY!!! the stress has started before the first needle breaks the skin

25/06/2013

I'm now on the second day of my week off, also the 2nd day i've got out of bed at 6am when i don't have to go to work...THIS SUCKS!
At least today it is through choice, I don't have to go to Libby's scan, but I have nothing like work in my way to stop me & i like to hear what's happening from the horses mouth. So i'm sat outside the clinic at 7.40am, 20 minutes before any of the staff get here, I'm wearing shorts & t shirt & it's not all that warm...I could/should still be in bed.
On the plus side, because we're the first to be seen, there's not much chance of the appointment been delayed.
So faster than you can say funky gibbon, libby is stripped from the waist down with nothing but a towel to keep her modesty intact. To be honest I wasn't expecting any surprises, just the usual, 'you have an ovarian cyst, roughly the size & shape of texas'
After a long pause, We got some VERY unexpected news Something along the lines of  "there is something there, you appear to be pregnant...Very pregnant" Que long confused silent pause
Me & Libby just looked at each other, not sure whether to laugh or cry. I'm still gobsmacked hours later
Apparently it's roughly 11 weeks, but can't be sure till we see a midwife for a proper scan, but here's the weird thing, there's a chance that this could be the result of out last IVF attempt which we tested as negative, ...that test was 11 weeks ago, There is also a slight chance that this could be natural, The nurse said the ivf drugs & mixture of hormones can sometimes kickstart the lady bits into working, Either way i'm not bothered, i'm quite possibly the happiest man alive right now. & I hope to a god that never changes.
The scan clearly shows a heartbeat & it wouldn't stay still long enough to take a picture.
In the tradition of giving things names (Eggburt, Nemo) we calling it Wiggle, although I prefer Cleetus the Foetus

#21 A bit of stuff & nonsense

25/02/2013

I'm finding it hard to keep up with writing this blog. Since the loss we suffered in November, I've tried my best to avoid thinking about IVF & everything associated with it, because the emotions attached a still so raw & I find avoiding issues is good for me, I know I shouldn't bottle things up but it's just how I work. As ive said many times 'I am just a typical everyday bloke' ...& this is how us men deal with stuff, right?
Recently it seems like i'm surrounded by it. Especially this week with the publication of the NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) Infertility guidlines & all thge forore surrounding them

Also daily TV show This Morning in the UK are running an Infertility awareness week. I must admit this is an excellent thing to happen, but it's also set the old grey matter back into action, & that's not such a good thing

Just looking through some of the comments on This Morning's Facebook page, & I'm faced with the reason why we need such a thing as National infertility awareness week. People need educating because they are clueless about infertility or for some reason are so against it,& it's really quite worrying. Lots of comments saying things like 'It's cos they're actively trying, if they just stopped trying, and only had sex when in the mood, they'd fall pregnant quite easily' 
I've had people people say this kind of thing to me no end of this, & yeah, I kinda get that that might be the case for some people, But a lot of infertility issues that most people have are due to actual medical reasons.
I really wish it was as simple as stopping trying, In fact i'd give my right nut to have it that easy (Although, giving up my testicles for the purpose of having kids is kinda counter productive) I'm sure every single couple going through IVF could list the reasons why that argument is so unbelievably flawed
With us, having sex is rarely an option because wifey finds it agonizing due to endometriosis, & even if that wasn't the case theres the small matter of the under performing overies, & a fallopian tube that is none existant, which before was blocked
The thing is pro-creating is a lot harder than just having sex, if it happens without trying, then the people people are lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it)
There was one amazing reply to the post in question from a lady saying 'It's like saying if someone was disabled if they just relaxed and didn't try they could walk again' that brought a little smile to my face

There's also lots of people saying things like 'I do think its sad some people can't have children, but surely the more people conceive through treatments ect, means less homeless children being adopted and given the chance of a loving home?  or  'IVF is wrong, Infertility is gods way of controlling the population, the world is overcrowded as it is'
But adoption isn't always a good solution, it can be sometimes a lengthy & stressful process, & in some cases quite expensive. The adopted kids can also come with a lot of issues which can be quite damaging to family life, believe me I've seen it.
Besides is it not enough that we are registered foster carers?
The funny thing is, all the negative comments come from people who, based on their personal Facebook profiles clearly already have children of their own & therefore have little or no actual experience of infertility, or ectopic/miscarriage
I really don't know why there is so much negativity & vitriol towards Infertility treatments, Would anyone care to try & explain it to me?

I've also come across a few cases of people who have been through IVF or an actual end product of it, That are ashamed of it. This really confuses me.
Its not the easiest thing to go through & it takes a lot of physical & emotional strength, I'm proud of the fact of what we've achieved in the last year the high's & even the lows that we've overcome, to the point that I want to sing it from the rooftops, & lot of this blog is me doing just that.



With our FET (frozen embryo transfer) fast approaching (about 3 weeks time) It's had me looking forward to the future & what it has instore for us. It got me thinking about if we can actually afford to raise a child in this day & age, where money is not all that easy to come by. So I've decided to take a step closer to becoming a 'responsible' adult. I've decided to give over with achieving nothing & earning very little in dead end jobs, So I've took my first step on the career ladder, I've applied for a deputy manager position with Royal Mail. I still won't be rolling in money, but it's certainly a step in the right direction



The downside to the closeness of our next chapter, is that i've had to do one thing i absolutely hate doing & that's pulling out of a show with my band on March 16th. but as much as I hate doing it, My lady deserves my undiveded attention. And i'll happily be a little slave boy for her. I'm determined to make this time around as stress free as humanly possible.



I'm not sure if I've brought up the subject of our (non-deliberate) bitterness towards friends, Family & even complete strangers who are successful at making babies. We don't try to push these people away or distance ourselves from them, but we have been doing just that, maybe subconsciously, I don't really know. But the reason we have been doing it is because it hurts so much to see people happy with their buns in the oven or little bundles of joy. It seems like we're being punished & it's horrible.
Last night I got one of the most heart warming messages from a good friend, saying that him & his partner are expecting their 1st child together (Both have kids from past relationships) He didn't want to start broadcasting it until he'd made sure we were comfortable with it, because he didn't want to rub salt into to our open wounds.
The fact that he'd thought that he had to do this (which he didn't) is the single nicest gesture I've received in a long long time, & for once we wish them all the luck in the world, & my god do they deserve it


In hindsight, Maybe this blog wasn't one of my better idea's, or perhaps I should have kept it anonymous. With the ever fast coming FET, it means that i'm going to have to either tell people far too early that it's worked, or be the barer of bad news to people who don't really know me. If it was anonymous at least it would be a bit more impersonal & easier to deal with.
But I have started, so I guess it's going to have to finish the story. I'm just not sure how to go about writing about the coming events, I don't want to tempt fate & I cerainly can't bare going through the same thing as last time & then have to feel like I have to write about it. I might not write anything for a few months just to get the 1st 3 month out of the way, then it should be plain sailing by that point. I really don't know what to do

#18 .My heart is broke, But I have some glue

04/11/2012

Whilst going through the various webpages where I normally share this blog, I came across something so hateful & bitter, it angered & upset me a lot. I am usually not all that easily offended, but this really hit me. www.facebook.com/story.php?korawalker>ivf

"I find it highly offensive this shit (IVF) is allowed, and encouraged, to proceed when so many kids already exist who need homes, food, and medical care JUST so some mother fucker who is SO SELFISH he wants,and can PAY for, a worthless, "mini me". HOW SELF ABSORBED could a person be to believe HIS DNA is so stellar and superior the world can't do without his offspring?"

Then goes on to say
"I would never force this world on another human and those smart and selfless enough wouldn't either and adopt if they want parenthood so badly. It does effect my life, you people are ruining this planet and it's heart wrenching. Ivf is expensive and it's just a smack in the face to all the other millions of homeless children.You people are ignorant. Infertility is a blessing. Adopt, you selfish moos"

I don't know if this person is trolling & just out to upset people that are already in a delicate frame of mind. or if he/she actually believes the bile they're spewing. I'd really like to meet this person, just to see what makes them tick &/or give them a slap

08/11/2012

I'm currently sat in Rotherham's accident & emergency dept awaiting an Xray to see if I've dislocated my elbow after a fall at work. I'm so clumsy it's unbelievable!
I'm taking this as a good omen. the last time Libby was expecting, we had to come here because little eggburt had to leave us. So now Libby is pregnant again, It's my turn to be here, So Nemo will do just fine. Good logic eh?

09/11/2012

This day has taken so long to come. We have our six week scan & hopefully i'll get to see someone special

10/11/2012

Yesterday didn't quite go to plan. the scan didn't show anything in the womb, but high levels of the pregnancy hormones in the blood. So it's definitely there somewhere, just no idea where. The clinic thought it wise that
Libby should be admitted to hospital straight away, because of the high possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. They want to keep her under observation because of the complications associated with it. If the foetus is in the fallopian tubes. it will have to be terminated. There is a chance things will be ok, but it is very slim.
I don't know what to feel, it swings between anger & misery constantly, I want to cry, but can't

11/11/2012

I'm so frustrated right now, I don't have a clue what is happening, Libby is an emotional wreck, & all the doctors seem to be doing is assume. Another blood test has shown that he the hormone level has doubled again.
The doctor has suggested that the reason for the no show on the scan could be that it's twins & may have been too small to see on the scan, but it's more than most likely ectopic. so a scan has been book for the morning & hopefully if it is twins they should be more visible because of the hormone level being so high. & if it proves to be ectopic, it's looking like a trip into surgery to remove the foetus & he offending tube. On the plus side, if they remove the tube, it's one less thing to go wrong
I know this is a horrible things to say, but I think a miscarriage would have been easier to deal with, purely because is a definite end instead of being (unavoidably) dragged out

12/11/2012

Today we've had to say goodbye to someone so special, so wanted & so much needed. But they'll never get know any of this. We'll never get to meet our little Nemo, Hopefully one day we'll meet, along with Eggburt & we'll have our day in the sun.
Libby was taken into surgery this morning to remove the foetus. Its hit me so fucking hard i can't even begin to make sense of it all. I even wen't to the hospital chapel,  I have no idea what I was expecting, inner peace the voice of god? all I got was angry & more upset. If there there is a god, I want to know why, why now, why us AGAIN???

I very nearly scrapped this whole blog today, I hoped something like this could never happen, but I suppose it's all part of the journey, no matter how much it hurts, & if it helps someone in the long run, then I suppose Ive achieved something

Please don't be offended by this, but I'm not after sympathy of anything like that, I don't handle messages of sorry & stay strong  or positive or whatever too well, I just need to time to get my head round things & hopefully dust myself off & carry on with life

#17 Needing a hug & a shoulder to cry on

03/11/2012

Since we've had the positive pregnancy test on Monday, I think i've become even more worried, than I have at any point up to this. Every little pain & ache Libby has, I automatically assume the worst is happening. I'm trying to remain as positive as I can about it all, But something keeps eating away at me. I'm absolutely scared to death of history repeating itself.
It's been just over two years since we lost 'Eggburt' (that's the pet name we gave to our unborn child) & it still feels pretty raw to this day. I dread to think what another miscarriage would do to us.Hopefully we'll never get to find out. no one should ever have to endure it. It was hard on me, I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life. The worst thing about it for me was seeing it almost physically & mentally destroy Libby and not be able to do anything about it. I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I rarely remember my dreams, but I'm fairly sure I know what I'm dreaming about, I seem to be grinding my teeth more & more, to the point of agony. This next clinic appointment & scan cannot come quick enough to put our minds at rest.

My Mum passed away 18 years ago. & right now I never missed her more. I really need that one person you can always rely on to say the right thing to put your mind at ease or just to listen to what you have to say & not pass judgement or anything like that. It doesn't help that I don't have a grave or anything to go & visit to vent my spleen. Instead she's still 'sat' in an urn in my dads flat gathering dust. I just wish we could spread them somewhere special, somewhere where we could visit when we need to be close to our mother. but i have a feeling that'll not happen anytime soon
Sorry to go on & on about death & misery, It's just how i'm feeling. Positive by day, bitterly negative by night

#16 The never ending emotional rollercoaster, This time i'm not complaining

28/10/2012

Coming to terms with our first cycle not working was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, the fact that we are still so far from the end of this journey has had quite a comforting effect on us both.

This morning we had to do a pregnancy test as directed by the clinic to confirm or deny what we thought was happening. There is almost an element of relief, knowing that there would then be a 'full stop' on this chapter of the story.
So here we go, One line for negative, two for positive. Well there's definitely one line, & after a minute or two, a second line appears, but only very faint. ...so what does that mean? Is it positive, was it positive before but now isn't?
Great! Now I'm just confused, so just bought another supposedly better rest to do in the morning to clear any confusion. Well it had better be a 'better' test, it cost me bloody £8

29/10/2012

6.30am on a Monday, the first day of my week off from work & I'm wide awake (dressed as spiderman... Don't ask) I didn't really sleep much last night, & what little sleep i did get, i think i spent that grinding my teeth because my mouth & teeth are so sore. it's hardly surprising considering the level of mixed emotion we're both experiencing.
Time to get down to business, & it's quite possibly the most nervous yet excited i've ever been.

....And the result is:
...Time to shit my pant in excitement & fear .

How & why we've actually gotten to this stage is beyond me. Less than a week ago we'd near enough given up & now we're 9 months away from potentially being parents.
Really need to call the clinic & find out what happens now.
The wait for the pregnancy hotline to open is far too long, but not stressful, for once i'm on cloud nine.


We're booked in for a scan on November the 9th, (Just over a weeks time) just to make sure the embryo/embryo's haven't settled in the fallopian tubes, because we're at a high risk of it being ectopic.& that could be disastrous.  We also will be having more regular scans than usual because of the miscarriage for suffered a couple of years ago.
But i'm trying not to think of the possible negative's. This is our time to shine, I can feel it

#15 Emotional rollercoaster? That's an understatement

17/10/2012
Having no actual means to update this blog other than a mobile phone is proving to be a nightmare (Note to self: win lottery & buy a new laptop or if that fails, get the other one repaired)

Things are going well so far, one of the embryo's that wasn't implanted has been frozen for future use. & having recently read a pretty interesting article on the BBC website about frozen Embies, appently te freezing & unfreezing process is good for the health of the baby & mother, so surely this is a good thing, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19468026
I wasn't initially overwhelmed by the fact that only one was frozen, considering that we had so many fertilized eggs, but we've been informed that this is quite normal, as they only usually freeze one or two,

19/10/2012
Well wasn't expecting that, The clinic have just phoned to let us know that they've frozen another two embies  , That 3 in the bank, Hopefully we'll never need them.
All the hallmarks of being pregnant are starting to show, Stomach cramps, sore & swollen boob's & being off certain foods. I know it's still to early to say, but surely that's a good sign. Even the dog is acting very strange. our Labrador Jess has suddenly switched from Daddys little girl to a mummys girl. She's keep cuddling up to libby & sniffing & occasionally licking her belly (that's just gross. I know). it's almost as if she knows that there is something in there. Spooky huh?

21/10.2012
So much for taking it easy & avoiding stress. Being foster parents we have the joys of unpredictable behaviour, the girl that we currently care for has been relatively well behaved & settled for a few months now, but things couldn't have changed at such a worse time. her attitude towards us has suddenly changed like the flip of a switch, Constant picking at us as though she's going out of her way to cause arguments.
To make things worse I've just snapped back at her, making the situation a hell of alot worse! Time for a meeting with social services I think. We need a little help

23/10/2012
I don't know if it's just coincidence, or a direct result of the last few days of stress, but Libby has started bleeding today & it's progressively got heavier & more painful as the day has gone on. It's safe to say all my new found optimism has gone out of the window. I'm so scared that this attempt has come to an end

24/10/2012
I had previously come to the conclusion that it really wasn't an issue if it didn't work, because everything up to now had had such brilliant results including 3 frozen embryos. But the realisation that this might have failed has hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. The clinic have said to stay positive, but that's easier said than done
I just feel numb & a little lost

Please note, I'm not fishing for sympathy here.

#14 So much to write about & no idea where to start

12/10/2012

We're not having a 13th post, because I don't want any bad luck

It's egg collection day & it's fair to say things are a little on the tense side. It really doesn't help when we Libby get's out of the shower & says "give me a shout at 7.10, 'cause we need to be setting off" Which is a fine plan indeed considering 7.10 was two minutes ago & i'm in the middle of making breakfast & still needing a shower myself. I don't think we've had a single appointment without some element of chaos. But in all honesty I believe we thrive on being disorganised, It's much more fun than that way (In this instance fun is pronounced ARGHHHH SHIT! ) Life would be boring if it was organised.
God knows how we managed it but we made it, mainly thanks to Libby's heavy right foot & it's loving relationship with a car's accelerator pedal.

Libby appears to have been making friends in my absence, which is kinda nice because she's not normally the most outgoing of people & on the plus side it makes it all a bit more 'normal'. Then to take the normality away, I found out this lady has spent a scary amount of money on treatment, more than a fifth of what we paid for our house. Just to clarify, I don't have a problem with the amount of money people spend on treatment, If I could afford it, i'd probably do the same, It just makes me wonder where you would draw the line? I just hope we never get to to such a position, because (to quote Mick Hucknall...yeah, sorry about that) "Money's too tight to mention"

Thankfully we're not sat in the waiting room too long otherwise I'd have probably said something stupid or offended somebody.  We both have our own little task to perform, so no time like the present to get on with it. Libby has drugs to take & I have to get intimate with a plastic cup. 
The last time I was in this situation, My (bad) sense of humour was going into overload, making me want to check in on facebook with something crude, But I was strong & resisted the urge, but this time, no chance, the temptation is too strong. As I was shown to my little room I was quite relieved that it was a new a new leather chair in there after last time, but I still kinda found it disturbing knowing that someone else had sat in it doing the bad thing.
 I was impressed that they had a different selection of 'mens interest magazines in the cupboard, but was instantly put of using them when I found a page stuck together, that's just uncalled for, I suppose I had better use my imagination. I read somewhere on an internet forum that there's a clinic in Nottingham that has a flat screen TV showing porn movies, Surely that has to be a better option than feeling like a 14 year old boy catching a quick look at their dad's secret stash of magazines. which i'm sure has probably happened to almost everyone. Aren't all dad's supposed to keep ancient porn mags under the wardrobe? not that I ever looked
By the time I'd got back to the recovery room Libby was already dosed up on Temazepam & half asleep, in the white hospital dressing gown she was told to wear, Which she wasn't happy, because it hadn't been washed with fabric softener & felt like cardboard. Typical Lib, Bless her

Much to my surprise, I was invited into the egg extraction, something like that doesn't happen in regular hospitals & clinics. Much more to my surprise, I did it, which is a really alien thing for me to do, I'm pretty squeamish for a bloke, & the idea of probes & sharp objects been inserted into someones nether-regions is quite repulsive to me. Luckily for the doctor & nurses, I couldn't actually see what was going on, otherwise they might have been attacked by my breakfast. I was quite happy to stand there & hold Libby's hand & talk nonsense to her, with the help of one of the nurses, about Ninja Turtles & cake. As usual I have to find something amusing in a situation like this, & today it came in the shape of a visiting doctor from Doncaster Royal Infirmary, who was there to be nosey at how other Hospitals do things, but I anyway, he looked like John Coffey from the film The Green Mile (the big black man)
The procedure didn't last long at all really, half hour altogether. & out of the ten usable follicles  they managed to extract nine eggs. To say i'm proud of my lady is an understatement!
So, what better way to end to appointment, than a spot of tea, biscuits & daytime TV while the people who know what they're doing get on with their thing. Lets get off to town for some dinner AND an extravagant purchase ... a new kettle (which needs to be returned 'cause it bloody leeks)
The tickets we had for the concert in Leeds didn't go to waste either, Libby didn't feel upto it, but didn't feels bad enough to need me around, I couldn't leave her alone, so I made our foster child babysit her.
For those who we're asking who I went to see, It was Terrorvision, I assume most of you are scratching your head & wondering 'who?' They had tons of top 40 hits in the 90's & i'll bet you know the most popular & frankly horrible song 'Tequila'

13/10/2012
I'm a bit half asleep this morning, had a massive shock to the system having to work my first saturday in months, 5am should not be allowed, especially after rocking out the night before.
but the phone call from the clinic makes it all worth while. First the bad news, two of the nine eggs weren't mature enough, but the good news is The other seven fertilised successfully, which is awesome.
Considering that we are nowhere near the finishing line, this is quite possibly the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. Thanks to my natural negativity, I never dreamed that we would ever achieve anything like this. These eggs are our lucky seven & I have a good feeling ...I might make a good optimist after all.
Now, it's a case of playing the waiting game for a day or two to see if the cells have multiplied enough to re-implant the eggs into the womb, Hopefully it'll be Monday, but more than most likely it'll be Wednesday.
Time to cross all appendages!

16/10/2012

Sorry this part of the post is going to be quite disjointed, my laptop had died, so i'm having to do it on the blogger mobile phone app, & it's harder to edit stuff using a phone keypad

It's fair to say, the last few days has been a bit of a rollercoaster, I'd pretty much given up on a Monday appointment after sat around waiting for the phone to ring. & when it did, it wasn't particularly the call I wanted, It was work asking me if there was any chance I could work. Because we'd still not had a call from the clinic I decided to earn a few extra pennies. Two minutes after I walked into work, Libby phoned to say the clinic had called & the wanted us at the clinic for 14.30. Bloody typical, considering i was due to finish my shift at 14.15. Thankfully my manager has been amazing throughout this process & let me finish at 12. If you're reading this Teresa, I owe you a huge favour.

Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two are classed as grade nine, which is really good, as they prefer to use eggs grade seven & over. two are borderline usable and the rest are still developing  But in the short space of time of the phone call & us arriving at the clinic, the two borderline embryo's have developed quite significantly, so hopefully the rest will be good enough to freeze for potential future use, We should find the results of that on Wednesday.

These are the two embryo's that are to be implanted, (& for all you science buffs, The one on the left has 8 cells & the right has 9) Weird looking things aren't they. It's even weirder to think that this is what human life starts off as. I was amazed when they asked if we wanted a picture of them. We've been  encouraged to talk to them, which is a little bit odd, but worth a shot, so we've named them Nemo & Dory (From Finding Nemo)
The implantation went by like a flash, It was just a case of using a speculum & a catheter into the uterus to implant the embryos. and thats that, no tea & recuperation today,
Now the hard work is done, it's completely in the hands of nature. Libby has to take it easy, no  heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise, & No sex (BOOOOOO!)
The no sex thing is going to kill me, Libby has a tablet she has to put right at the back of her lady bits & she cant do it, because her fingers aren't long enough to get to the back, so I'm stuck with the task twice a day. It's already proven to put a lot of strain on the trouser area. & I can't so a single thing about it. ARGHHHH!

I can see the next two weeks 'til we find out if its worked or not, being the longest two weeks EVER!
Thankfully I have quite a lot of stuff to be doing with my band(s) to keep me occupied including playing live this weekend, but the downside to that is that I won't let Libby come, because she always helps with the transport & moving stuff around, So I banned her from coming to remove the temptation.
She can sit at home & watch all the terrible soaps shes got on recorded on the sky box, even better for me 'cos then I don't have to endure them.

Im not a believer in a higher power, but prayers are more than welcome.

#12 How do you like your eggs in the morning?

08/10/2012
It really is starting to bother me that i'm not going to be there for Libby's scan again. I feel as though i'm missing important things, especially now things are coming to a head in our first cycle. Even if nothing interesting happened, I'd just like to be there to hold my wife's hand.

So it turns out I have kinda missed out. The scan shows that Libby has 15 ovarian follicles (the cells where the eggs develop) 2 ready, 2 almost ready & the rest just need a little bit more time. Something I did find odd is that the drugs have also stimulated the 'useless' ovary, although I have no idea if they're of any use, We shall see.
Because the follicles are almost ready, Libby can reduce the intake of drugs to avoid overstimulation, but i'm guessing that might mean that I have a little bit of my wifey back
Another scan has been booked for Wednesday, which is our 5th wedding anniversary, so I reckon that's a good omen


10.10.2012

Okay, so that's just odd. In my absence for yet another appointment, Libby got talking to another girl in the waiting room. Out of the blue, she asked if I was called Paul. It turns out she had been reading this blog. Heh small world eh?
I was right in thinking that because today is our wedding anniversary that it was a sign of something good! Because it is indeed good. Todays scan shown that there is 10 good sized follicles, which I understand is a pretty normal number to have. So as you can imagine, it's smiles all round.

When I started writing this blog, I thought that it would take for ages to get to the stage we're now at, but it only feels like yesterday that all this started to take over our lives. This Friday, we're both due at the clinic for Libby's egg collection. Now that we can see something resembling a light at the end of the tunnel, things are starting to feel a lot more real ...like really real ...shit yer pants scary real. Being the kind of person I am, my mind has gone into overdrive with thoughts of 'what if'
The procedure, sounds fairly straightforward, but quite painful at the same time, its an a vaginal ultrasound probe  to see the follicles in the ovaries. A fine needle will then be used to collect the eggs from the follicles. The doctor or nurse will push the needle through the top of the vaginal wall and into each ovarian follicle in turn. to flush out the eggs. What scares me about this is that it's done only with local anesthetic & oxygenWhile this is happening I get shown to the little room to make a semen sample ...Again! for those of you who have been reading this blog from the start, you'll know the score here. And for those who haven't have a look here http://paul-semii-holden.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/here-we-go.html
In preparation, Libby has to inject two lots of Ovitrelle tonight, one in each leg. But as a bonus, she doesn't have anymore injecting herself after this (unless we have to go through another cycle) It's not the last of the drugs however. There's some tablets to take & a suppository. She looks so relieved at that, apparently putting drugs up your bum is a welcome break from sticking them in your legs with sharp things.
To put a slight dampener on things, Libby has started bleeding slightly, only spots, but it's enough to raise concerns. But just called the clinics emergency number, & the nurse we spoke to didn't seem to think it was an issue. but you can't help but assume the worse

Something that I did find slightly weird is, we've been asked to bring a CD with us to the appointment. I'm assuming it's for relaxation purposes, But is it played while the procedure or is played via personal headphones. What kind of music get you prepared for having probes & sharp things stuck up where you don't really want them putting? And what if you opt for something with a fast tempo or obscenely noisy, imagine that being played in the middle of a delicate procedure. surely thats going to be a distraction for the Doctor & nurses


Months ago, Libby bought us tickets to see one of my favourite bands in Leeds for our anniversary. But when she bought them, she hadn't taken in to consideration that it might clash with our treatment. Well it has, on a major scale. the show is on Friday night. My wife, being the angel she is, still wants me to go without her, & I still really want to go. But at the sametime, I don't want to leave her after what she will have been through during the day. I'm still going to make plans to go because i'm selfish. If everything is alright & I didn't go, I'd be mortified. but I can always cancel the plans on the chance that things aren't right

As I've mentioned before that one of the staff at the clinic is been very 'off' with us, for what i presumed was because it's a private clinic & were not paying, therefore we're inferior, or something to that effect
Well, she appears to have a change of heart, She's been nothing short of brilliant with us recently, even with us phoning her at 21.40 to ask about the bleeding. Miracles do happen ;)

#11 Selfish thoughts

03/10/2012
I don't want to sound self pitying or anything to that effect, but it's such a frustrating set of circumstances we're in. I know things are progressing & we're getting closer to the end of our first cycle (hopefully the only cycle) but it absolutely destroys me seeing Libby struggling with the injections & the side effects that come with them. She started off so well with it, & Considering she's never given herself an injection before, she was quite confident with it & seemed to take it all in her stride, but lately She seems to be getting herself worked up & nervous, making the whole thing into a drama. No matter how much I try to reassure her, it just seems to fall on deaf ears. Then once the drugs kick in, it seems to just knock her out. I know she feels worse than she's letting on because she's stopped baking & decorating cakes, that is one of the things she loves to do most.
I know where trying to do a good thing, & making a life that is our own is what we want so badly, But sometimes I just seem to want the woman I love back, Then I just feel terrible for having these selfish thoughts

04/10/2012
There's been a few times over the course of this process that I've thought the staff at the clinic seem to be looking down their noses at us, one person in particular that seems to think she's the lord god almighty. Everytime we've spoke to her with any concerns she's come across that she doesn't really want to be talking to us.
Today Libby has completely run out of one of the drugs she needs When she phoned up to speak to the nurse, who intern had to speak to the person I'm refering to & Lib' could tell by the tone of her voice in the background how she feels about us. I can't help but feeling it's because we're having funding for the treatment, this woman believes we shouldn't be in her clinic,  we aren't able to pay for this therefore we are inferior. These kind of people make my blood boil!!! Hopefully, I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but I doubt it

05/10/2012
Once again Libby has an appointment at the clinic that i'm not there for. Yet another internal scan.
Thankfully the results are quite positive. The drugs seem to be doing there job.
Libby has 15 follicles in her good ovary, but they're not quite ready for the next drug (Another dose of Ovitrelle) So another scan is booked for Monday (Which, again i can't be there for) We're getting closer to finding out when egg collection will be. Exciting times

#10 Drugs, Drugs & More Drugs

01/10/2012
I haven’t posted anything in what seems like an eternity, but not a lot has been happening, just some (Prescription) drug taking, blood tests & transvaginal scans. Mostly stuff that I haven’t been present for. So this post is basically just a short and sweet update.

As I’ve mention in the previous post that Libby had developed (yet another) ovarian cyst, possibly a side effect of the Suprecur injections. It was suggested that she should inject Ovitrelle to either shrink or break up the cyst. Well it seems to have worked the cyst is still there but it's shrunk enough to no longer be of any concern. & as an added bonus, her oestrogen levels have dropped enough to move onto the next step, even more subcutaneous injections! Next up Menopur to stimulate the growth & development of follicles within the ovary.

This is fun stuff because you get to play chemist. There’s one vial of solution & 4 containing a tablet which is dissolved in the solution. It’s all fun & games…honest 

The side effects of the menopur haven’t been anything too dissimilar to the other injections, Tiredness, nausea, dizziness, a whole lot of water retention, but now with added short term dead leg, like proper dead. I’ve deliberately avoided reading up on the side effects, because I’ve previously got freaked out over nothing, as it’s been nowhere near as bad as I was expecting

The highlight of the scan on Friday (which, annoyingly I couldn’t be there for AGAIN) Other than the shrinking cyst, was that Libby has a odd shaped uterus, now what constitutes as ‘odd shaped’? a rhombus or even a dodecahedron perhaps? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
From what I can gather, it can’t be too much of an issue, other wise the would have said… right?

But what I don’t get is, Libby has had soooooo many scans (Internal & external) & clinical procedures. So why has this never been mentioned before? Unless it can change at random intervals. I just don’t have a clue, But I’m gonna avoid researching it, or will I?