#32 Christmas is coming & the goose is getting fat & so is the wife! (I'm sure I'll get a slap for this title)

14th November 2013. 

I've meaning to start this blog post for a few days now, but I'm far too lazy, well that's not strictly true. I've actually been kinda busy decorating the entire world, or do it seems. Next stop: the the former junk room, soon to be nursery. 

The reason for the mad decorating spree... As of Saturday just gone, we are on the final countdown (cue cheesy 80's rock anthem) yeah that's right, we hit the milestone of 9 week remaining. 

To celebrate that milestone I've started freaking out & grinding my teeth again, why? I don't really know. I mean, I know my life is about to change on a major scale, but I thought I was genuinely ready to embrace it, pick up the ball & run with it, but my old friend self doubt seems to be back in town, I hate that bastard! 

Libby had an appointment last week with her gynae consultant last week to conclude the journey on infertility road, but they haven't signed us off because they're still unsure whether this is an IVF baby of  not, due to the fact that the date of embryo transfer & the midwife's estimated date of natural conception are so close to each other. It's been suggested to us that we have a sizing scan at 32 week (this coming Monday) & again at 36 week. Even though it doesn't matter either way, we're going to go ahead with the scans just so we get to see our Wiggle again. 

Most people only get 2 scans at 12 & 20 weeks, so we're kinda lucky that these will be our 4th & 5th

22nd November

The scan was pretty straight forward, thankfully there was nothing on show that might spoil the gender surprise. Well actually there was absolutely nothing on show, Wiggle wasn't playing nice, & decided after a hard day if kicking the crap out of Libby, it was time for a hard earned rest & got curled up in a ball. Which made the sonographer'a job a tad impossible. He could only take rough estimates as to size & weight, but based on previous information from the midwife, he was fairly sure it's slightly bigger than average & possible weighs about 5lb already. So it's either going to be an enormous baby, or as we've suspected all along, that this is the frozen embryo we had implanted in back in March. 

Hopefully the next scan will be able to confirm things

At least I'm prepared if it comes early, the  Nursery is nearly finished, then I can start decorating the stairs... Never ending decorating YAY!!!

#31 A whole load of mini updates... & the worst title for a blog post

9th July 2013

Hi, my name is Paul, I used to be a negative norman. It has now been over a month since I was a insufferably miserable dick. I'm kinda getting addicted to this being happy malarky, Don't get me wrong, there's still an angry beaver within, but anger is healthy sometimes... Apparently

I'm finding this blog quite hard at the minute, because very little is happening right now, i'm finding it hard to be inspired. I've taken to making notes when inspiration hits me. The only problem is, they are all one word notes & I haven't got a clue what half of them refer to!

Today Lib had an appointment to see the Consultant that did our fertility investigations, & she got to hear our baby's heartbeat & I missed it.
When we last saw the midwife at the hospital, we asked her what was the reason behind the appointment we had with the consultant, She said it was just so he could sign us off, So I probably didn't need to be there.
But if had known that he was going to check the heartbeat, I'd have dropped everything to be there.
So yeah, annoyed much!
Anyway He didn't sign us off. He can't be sure that this is an IVF baby or not, so he wants to see us again in November

Preston ... This note means nothing to me & also confused me greatly


24th July 2013

I've just heard the single most amazing thing in my life (so far)
The heartbeat of my unborn child & I nearly cried, & i'm not ashamed to admit it either


25th August 2013 

Yesterday was the first time in seven days that i've seen my wife & our amazing bump, She's been on holiday with her family & I couldn't get time from work to go, this sucks balls on a major scale. Even though its only been a week, the bump seems to have grown so much, & I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that my child is in there somewhere

Amidst various stories of holiday fun & adventure that I missed out on, one thing that arisen upset me quite a bit. The girl we foster has been telling everyone that she's not looking forward to the baby coming into our lives. I kinda get why, because she's been passed around from family member to family member, told that she can't live with her Mum & her Dad can't have her living with him, so maybe she thinks that now we have a child of our own, she'll have to move on again. This couldn't actually be further from the truth.
From the day we started our IVF, we've always told her that no matter what happens, she'll always be able to call our house, her home, we've always tried to involve her in all the decisions & above all be honest with her. Just upsets me that she couldn't be honest with us, & let us find out how she feels from someone else.


27th August 2013

I had a feeling today was going to be a good day, It's my day off work, it's the day of my 3rd driving test (Yes I failed 2 already) & the date of our 20 week scan, well it turns out I only have two of these right, The scan is tomorrow & I should be at work. on the plus side, I passed my driving test! The roads of South Yorkshire are no longer safe


28th August 2013

Sometimes I actually amaze myself, normally when we have a hospital/clinic appointment, I can guarantee something will stop me from getting there with time to spare, I expected today to be pretty much the same as any other, We had to be at the hospital for our scan at 13.45, the problem is, I wouldn't normally finish until 14.15 on a Wednesday, Today I appear to have been possessed by a Red Bull fuelled cheetah! SPEEDY MAIL>>>> GO! 
Predictably because I've managed to get to the hospital early, I'm now sat in the waiting room at least 20 minutes past the actual appointment time... Hmmmph!


The scan was brilliant, the sonographer was so attentive, he showed us our Wiggle & went into loads of detail, explaining all the different bits & pieces, well all of the bits & pieces that aren't, er... y'know 'bit's & pieces' He even managed to show us a face :) Shame we couldn't have got a shot of that.
Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that the new scan shows that we aren't actually expecting a dinosaur. The only thing we now know for certain is that it has the exactly the same head of hair as me

23rd September 2013

It's been a hard slog to try & keep on top of this blog lately, I'm not sure if I've lost interest or not, I just find it a struggle to motivate myself, It was so much easier when I was lost in the midst of a journey that I didn't really understand & trying to make sense of it. But now I don't need the have an outlet for my rants, bitterness & confusion, its a lot more challenging
As I've recently mentioned in a previous post, I've been making lots of  notes as an aid to memory, but because I've been very unmotivated, A lot of them have just built up, and it's taken quite a while to get on top of them, so a lot of the posts are written in hindsight & are a bit sketchy on the details, mainly because I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast this morning, never mind what I thought or did on the 9th of July. But I soldiered on


It's odd what goes through my head sometimes, But I've been feeling quite reflective lately, (light just bounces off me.. I love crap humour) It's occurred to me that I'm the last of a generation of Holden's
My Dad was an only child, he's fathered 4 kids, Me, My two sisters & our half brother, both my sisters are married so the name hasn't carried over to their kids, & the half brother has two girls, so again the name is unlikely to carry over there, So it comes down to me, & If me & Libby have a girl, The name dies with me, because it's highly unlikely that we'll be able to have another child. I'm not sure if I feel sad about that or not.
I think i'd like to attempt to do a family tree, just to see if theres many Holden's on my granddads side of the family

Lately it seems like the entire world & it's dog are pregnant. Whether it's inspired by the birth of Prince William & Kate's (I dunno what her actual title is) baby or It's people getting out of paying bedroom tax  (cynical?... me?) Either way we're clearly in the middle of a full on baby boom
I'm thankful that it's happening now & not 6 months ago otherwise i'd quite possibly have gone nuts.  But it really bugs me, that when people see Libby's bump, they might be thinking we're just part of the trend, Sometimes I just want to scream out at people, even though they're probably not even thinking what I think they're thinking, but still, my mind works in strange ways

On a final note, Libby's Nannan fancies herself as a bit of a psychic, she thinks because of the shape of the bump that we're having a girl, but then again, because there hasn't been any morning sickness, it could be a boy, so I could be either.... yeah, i'd have never have guessed ;)

#30 Three cheers for writers block!

28th June 2013

Here it is, the result of years & years of heartbreak, agony & anger. Ladies & gentlemen, i'd like to introduce you all to Wiggle. This is the scan we had done at CARE on the 25th, still no accurate date yet, we won't have the dating scan until Tuesday 9th July. We're pretty sure it's the frozen embryo that we got the negative test result from, I don't see how it can be anything else, because we didn't do the ... you know... do that, for at least a month or so after, so that would make it younger than the 11 week estimate  that care gave us, & if it is the the frostie, that would make it older than the 11 week estimate, but that makes the most sense to us, but can't be 100% sure 'til the dating scan
All I do know is that it still all seems so surreal, I can't even begin to make sense of it all, & I don't think I want to, It's like the best dream ever & I don't want to wake up.

2nd July 2013

Its safe to say that this woman has the biggest, loudest voice on the face of the planet, but i suppose thats what you want from a midwife, All she'd need is a huge ginger beard & she'd be a double of Brian Blessed (Please don't ask who Brian Blessed is)
Nothing really much to report, just mainly filling forms & answering LOT'S of questions. Then this bombshell hit. "have you thought about testing for Downs syndrome?"
As many of the regular readers will know, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Why are the asking me this question, do they know something? yep, I'm freaking out. & the first thing that springs to mind is 'Can we test to see if it's going to be ginger' I am so glad that thought didn't escape my lips, because I reckon it would have gone down like a fart in a spacesuit
I later found out that this is just a routine question, but it still hasn't made the decision process any easier.
If we don't have the test, i'll worry about what might happen, If we have the test & it's a high risk, We can be prepared, But can you ever be prepared for something like that, & even if we are at a high risk, It's still likely that all will be normal, so we would have been worrying for nothing. It's looking like whatever my decision, i'm going to worry. I've got a lot to think about. One thing I do know, If it is born with Downs syndrome, it'll still be loved & will still be wanted.

9th July 2013

After much thought, I think i've decided  to not have the tests for Down syndrome. Whatever the outcome, the result will not change anything. he/she will still be loved, no matter what.
Every time we have been to the Greenoaks center at Rotherham Hospital, (& we've been here a lot) We're normally sat waiting for a ridiculously long time past our appointment time, & it's always been torture, you see, they do ultrasound scans, midwifery & Infertility investigations, all in the same department, so if your going through the nightmare of infertility, you WILL be sat in the same waiting room as a lot of pregnant women.Today it's all different, we're not sat in misery, we're now the people we've spent years being bitter towards. It feels odd, but it feels good, I'm just glad the waiting room is empty so there's no one feeling like we did all those times. & because the waiting room is empty, we don't have to wait.
A large gentle looking man shouted us through for our ultrasound scan.Really wasn't expecting it to be a man, not that it makes any difference.
Wiggle wasn't wiggling as much as last time, which kinda upset Libby a little, but the sonographer (Can't remember his name)  was very reassuring, & that there was still a lot of movement. He asked the question about the Downs syndrome tests & we were quite adamant that we didn't want them. He actually seemed quite glad about that, because wiggle was laying in a funny position  (like father like...embryo) & made it quite hard to measure the back of the neck. There is another test, where they take fluid from the amniotic sack, but there is a risk of miscarriage with that, so that's right of the window.
Anyhoo.. the date he gives us backs up the rough date that we were given at care, Due date is January 11th 2014. Which means it can't be the frosty, however, I'm still convinced that this is wrong.

The midwife isn't a large gentle looking man, She's a very grumpy looking woman, & comes across as someone who is in it for the money, not 'cause she care, although i might be wrong, but that's how she comes across, Didn't really like her very much if i'm honest, she didn't seem very professional at all. & to make matters worse she asked about the Downs syndrome test & that we could still change our mind if we wanted. GREAT more indecision! Thank god our community midwife was much more friendly (even if she is a lot louder)


Looking at the scan pic, I'm convinced that we're having a T-Rex, we need more dinosaurs in the family

11th July 2013

I feel horrible right now, I keep getting mad at Libby for buying baby things, I want to wait 'til closer to the birth so I know everything is going to be ok & then it feels like we might not be wasting our money. I know that sounds horrible. But i'm just absolutely petrified to get too attached to something that could still go horribly wrong. I've been down this road too many times where the carrot has been dangled in front of me & then taken away & i don't want to be hurt again

Someone slap me please!!!

15th July 2013

I must say i'm feeling a little more relaxed about wiggle now. I've had a few days to breathe and to speak to people. I learnt a valuable lesson from a friend whose 3 year old daughter has been diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia this week, I need to enjoy this because the worry doesn't end with the birth, it's a lifelong thing & theres always going to be scary things around every corner

This weekend just gone, I've been 'forced' into shopping for baby things, & I actually think I enjoyed it, (Shhh don't tell anyone)  Especially when I found an absolutely awesome Spider-man costume baby grow in Mothercare... It had better be a boy now!
So now we have nursery furniture, a few sleepsuits, & few little bits & pieces, & we're currently on the hunt for a pram that isn't going to mean remortgaging the house

The only thing thats kinda bugging me now, is that its starting to look more & more likely that Wiggle was a natural conception. which we were lead to believe was impossible & I spent so much time getting angry with people who would say 'relax & it'll happen in time'. & now it has happened naturally, I feel like a bit of a fraud.
I don't think for one minute that de-stressing has played a part in this because we were as stressed as we have been for the last few years of trying to concieve, because we we're about to start out last attempt at IVF. As the nurse at Care said when found out, the IVF drugs mixed with hormones can sometimes kickstart the body into working