All I do know is that it still all seems so surreal, I can't even begin to make sense of it all, & I don't think I want to, It's like the best dream ever & I don't want to wake up.
2nd July 2013
Nothing really much to report, just mainly filling forms & answering LOT'S of questions. Then this bombshell hit. "have you thought about testing for Downs syndrome?"
As many of the regular readers will know, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Why are the asking me this question, do they know something? yep, I'm freaking out. & the first thing that springs to mind is 'Can we test to see if it's going to be ginger' I am so glad that thought didn't escape my lips, because I reckon it would have gone down like a fart in a spacesuit
I later found out that this is just a routine question, but it still hasn't made the decision process any easier.
If we don't have the test, i'll worry about what might happen, If we have the test & it's a high risk, We can be prepared, But can you ever be prepared for something like that, & even if we are at a high risk, It's still likely that all will be normal, so we would have been worrying for nothing. It's looking like whatever my decision, i'm going to worry. I've got a lot to think about. One thing I do know, If it is born with Downs syndrome, it'll still be loved & will still be wanted.
9th July 2013
After much thought, I think i've decided to not have the tests for Down syndrome. Whatever the outcome, the result will not change anything. he/she will still be loved, no matter what.
Every time we have been to the Greenoaks center at Rotherham Hospital, (& we've been here a lot) We're normally sat waiting for a ridiculously long time past our appointment time, & it's always been torture, you see, they do ultrasound scans, midwifery & Infertility investigations, all in the same department, so if your going through the nightmare of infertility, you WILL be sat in the same waiting room as a lot of pregnant women.Today it's all different, we're not sat in misery, we're now the people we've spent years being bitter towards. It feels odd, but it feels good, I'm just glad the waiting room is empty so there's no one feeling like we did all those times. & because the waiting room is empty, we don't have to wait.
A large gentle looking man shouted us through for our ultrasound scan.Really wasn't expecting it to be a man, not that it makes any difference.
Wiggle wasn't wiggling as much as last time, which kinda upset Libby a little, but the sonographer (Can't remember his name) was very reassuring, & that there was still a lot of movement. He asked the question about the Downs syndrome tests & we were quite adamant that we didn't want them. He actually seemed quite glad about that, because wiggle was laying in a funny position (like father like...embryo) & made it quite hard to measure the back of the neck. There is another test, where they take fluid from the amniotic sack, but there is a risk of miscarriage with that, so that's right of the window.
Anyhoo.. the date he gives us backs up the rough date that we were given at care, Due date is January 11th 2014. Which means it can't be the frosty, however, I'm still convinced that this is wrong.
Looking at the scan pic, I'm convinced that we're having a T-Rex, we need more dinosaurs in the family
11th July 2013
I feel horrible right now, I keep getting mad at Libby for buying baby things, I want to wait 'til closer to the birth so I know everything is going to be ok & then it feels like we might not be wasting our money. I know that sounds horrible. But i'm just absolutely petrified to get too attached to something that could still go horribly wrong. I've been down this road too many times where the carrot has been dangled in front of me & then taken away & i don't want to be hurt again
Someone slap me please!!!
15th July 2013
I must say i'm feeling a little more relaxed about wiggle now. I've had a few days to breathe and to speak to people. I learnt a valuable lesson from a friend whose 3 year old daughter has been diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia this week, I need to enjoy this because the worry doesn't end with the birth, it's a lifelong thing & theres always going to be scary things around every corner
This weekend just gone, I've been 'forced' into shopping for baby things, & I actually think I enjoyed it, (Shhh don't tell anyone) Especially when I found an absolutely awesome Spider-man costume baby grow in Mothercare... It had better be a boy now!
So now we have nursery furniture, a few sleepsuits, & few little bits & pieces, & we're currently on the hunt for a pram that isn't going to mean remortgaging the house
The only thing thats kinda bugging me now, is that its starting to look more & more likely that Wiggle was a natural conception. which we were lead to believe was impossible & I spent so much time getting angry with people who would say 'relax & it'll happen in time'. & now it has happened naturally, I feel like a bit of a fraud.
I don't think for one minute that de-stressing has played a part in this because we were as stressed as we have been for the last few years of trying to concieve, because we we're about to start out last attempt at IVF. As the nurse at Care said when found out, the IVF drugs mixed with hormones can sometimes kickstart the body into working
